I read this in my morning web-rounds today and haven’t been able to get it off my mind. “Do it with passion….”. It doesn’t say what “it” is. “It” in my life right now is….everything. I feel like I’ve lost my passion for everything; cooking, dog-care, sex, exercise, health research, self-care, reading, cleaning. Everything that I value…..sucked into a vortex of passionless apathy.
What does a person do about that? How do you turn the tide? How do you spin your world all the way in another direction? Having my goals lists is great….but if you simply don’t do them, they languish and weeks go by (right, February, I’m aware).
I hate this weather, I absolutely hate it. I’m tired of being cold all the time, I’m tired of the dark and the rain and the snow, I hate that I work until 4:30 in the afternoon, I’m so fucking bored I want to put my head through the wall, I’m sad that I have no vacation to speak of this year. Ya. That. All of it and then some.
I need to breathe life into myself and shake myself out of my monotony. I need to throw myself at my husband when he comes through the door and kiss and hug him until I am all hugged out. I need to paint my nails and wax my legs and drink water. I need to have sex and lay naked in a heap of soft blankets and pillows. I need to earn couch time with the sacrifice of other time. I need to make invigorating shampoo for my scalp and salt scrub for my skin and lather and scrub them both until they’re tingly. I need to lay on the floor and let my dog snuffle me in the head and stand on my back while I laugh. I need to go to the gym and celebrate my body with sweat and effort. I need to force myself to be aware of the moment.
So when you’re mired in gray and fog and dreary cold rain, how do you start the things that light you up? Seriously, I’m asking. How do you start the things that will light your fire again? The things you too easily talk yourself out of.
I feel like, once again, I’m on a precipice. Fix it now or this is your forever. So I’m going to “Do it with passion or don’t do it at all”. “It” being everything. I’m going to forcefully inject passion back into my life in every way and cross my fingers that I don’t run out of energy before the flame catches again.