Thursday, June 26, 2014: Today Girl

Lose 25 pounds, run 10km, squat body weight, save money, take tropical vacation, change life, become new person.  All thoughts that I have regularly and which become hugely overwhelming and defeating.  Thoughts that also project me so far into the future that I miss out on the day that I am living right now.  Even from week to week; I plan for the next week and the next month and project ahead to see what things will look like and I lose what they look like right now.  Through various forms of self-reflection, I have come to the conclusion that I can’t continue on being Unrealistic Expectation Girl. I need to be Today Girl. I spend so much time picturing my life as a different person; me…..but better.  Me…..but fitter.  Me…..but happier.  Me…….all the good qualities and none of the bad.  Me……perfect.  And the thought of trying to get to “perfect me” is exhausting and basically impossible.

So…..what if I change my thought process and focus on simply being the Me that I am right now.  Today Girl.  Today Girl looks at herself the way that she is right now….and banishes the “if this would change and that would get smaller and those would get bigger then I would be happier” thoughts.  Today Girl makes a budget and then makes spending decisions per the budget…and banishes the “6, 8, 12 months from now I’ll have saved $$$ and then I’ll be happier” thoughts.  Today Girl does a reasonable workout for the body and fitness she has today…..and banishes the “this is useless, I’ll never get there” and “6 months from now I’ll be a fierce, totally fit force to be reckoned with and then I’ll be happier” thoughts.

Today Girl recognizes where she is mentally and physically and works with exactly what she has right now and does not worry one iota about what she may have mentally or physically by tomorrow or next month.  Today Girl recognizes that this will be a new way of thinking and that it may feel strange and uncomfortable and even a bit backwards but Unrealistic Expectation Girl’s way of thinking wasn’t working so I’ll try this.

Something I have been sorely missing in the last 8 months is time to myself.  Just to think.  To check in, to recalibrate, to blank my thoughts and rest my brain.  I’ve lamented this lack of alone time for a while now, knowing that it’s part of my dissatisfaction with my life as it is right now.  But oddly, I’ve been unwilling to do anything to really take back that time for myself. Maybe it’s because I’ve felt like “our” needs are greater than my needs and I’ve been loath to do anything that makes any other party uncomfortable or put upon.   Given that it has recently become crystal clear to me just how valuable “time” can be and how greatly it can help my mood, outlook and disposition, I’ve made just “one small change” that my sister advised me to make.

Wednesday and Friday night are Chef’s Night Off.  Basically The Chef is out of the building and both parties can make, buy, eat or not eat whatever they want for dinner and the next day’s lunch.  PB&J?  Go for it. Order pizza?  Here’s the phone.  A plate of watermelon?  Sure thing.  Protein shake and almonds?  Great. Nothing at all?  Consider yourself on a fast then.  I complain (yes, it IS complaining) all the time about how I have no time and cooking is a huge time suck and I just need some downtime….and yet nothing changes.  No miracle helper is sent to me, I still plan, shop for and make every meal that we eat, months go by and I’m in the same position I was in before but getting progressively more burnt out and, yes, resentful.  So I have made the change that I need in order to care for myself.  And yes, there will be an impact and yes, there will be an adjustment and there might even be some resentment from one or both of us………….but it’s non-negotiable.  I need time and I’m taking it back.  I’m taking it from “us” and giving it to “me”.

This may seem like a small and strange little step to take…but it’s the first step in reclaiming myself and figuring out who I am now that the dust has settled.  It’s the first in a series of small changes that will see me become more responsible for myself and less responsible for everything that is “us”.

Advertisement

My Passion Experiment – Day 7

Today marks the end of the first week of My Passion Experiment.  You can read more about it in these posts:

My Passion Experiment

My Passion Experiment – Day 2

My Passion Experiment – Day 4

 

I’d said in one of the previous posts that I don’t feel like it is beneficial to “assess” whether or not it’s working but I thought I could share my observations thus far. (haha, the formatting is all buggered on this so apparently all my observations are number ONE!)

 

1.  Being “in the moment” takes practice.  I am used to flitting around (mentally and physically) and doing one thing while thinking about the next two or three tasks or trying to pull off three or four tasks at once.  I’m guilty of listening with half an ear when someone is talking to me and in having a conversation with someone without actually being engaged with them.  I’m guilty of walking my dog and texting and checking my phone.  I’m guilty of sitting down to watch a movie or a hockey game or a show with my husband and spending half the time reading blogs on my iPad. This past week I have made a concerted effort to focus on ONE thing at a time.  I have purposely left my phone downstairs and/or heard a text/tweet come through and made a point not to look at it until the next day.  Man alive, that part felt HUGELY empowering, not being a slave to a beeping, chirping, buzzing piece of glass and metal.  🙂  I noticed one night when we were having dinner, I was finished eating first and was ready to get up, clean up, get going.  I had to remind myself to just sit….and engage and chat.  Funny how we get used to blazing through things instead of stopping and enjoying them for what they are.

 

1.  I’ve noticed that I don’t feel like I need as much “couch-time” when I’ve done things that are good for me (ie, waxing my legs, filing my nails, hitting the gym, tanning, reading in bed, going to bed on time).  For whatever reason, when I’m not expending time and energy on myself, my “need” for lengthy downtime is greater than when I am spending time on/with myself.  I suspect that it’s the old “quality over quantity”.  When I’m doing quality things for myself, they blow quantity out of the water. And in reverse, if I’m not doing the quality things, I’m trying to fill that “me time” reservoir with something that has a much lower value and it takes a lot more of it.  Make sense?

 

1.  I’ve been following along with a “Love Your Body Challenge” that a dear friend turned me onto.  Every day you’re given a new mantra with a blank to fill in as it relates to you.  Then you repeat it 10 times, do the assigned “action item” while repeating it 10 times and then repeat 10 more times before you go to bed.  I’m not really a “mantra repeating” sort. Seriously…not for me.  But I’ve been writing down my mantra each day, reading it back to myself at various intervals (and reading back the ones from the previous days), doing the action items and really putting thought into what these mantras are supposed to mean.  Aside from developing more appreciation for ALL the aspects of me, it’s made me remember that there is no One Right Way.  I’m not a mantra-repeater.  No problem.  I’m not a runner anymore.  That’s alright.  Realizing that there are as many ways to achieve success as there are unique people in the world has been vastly freeing.

 

1. In an experiment inside my Experiment, I’ve also stopped giving out huge amounts of detail to Ray in regards to what I do in my alone time.  Not because I want to keep things from him but because I feel like I need to be able to celebrate myself without needing any validation from outside of myself.  It’s not hugely important things, just…..a few teeny things that I want for my own which do not impact our relationship in any form.  We are so close and we spend 90% of our at home time within sight of each other and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  But during this time of finding myself and my passion again, it’s been important to do some things because I need them, and they seem to have more value in the absence of explanation or discussion.  Does that even make sense?

 

1. And finally, I am deep in the process of letting go of the past.  That’s all I’m going to say on this right now, it’s an interesting process and one that is taking a lot of my mental energy right now.  I don’t exactly have an awesome skillset surrounding letting things go and releasing my grip on certain things is scary and does not come easily.  But….to learn and grow and move forward you cannot be chained to a huge brick from the past and even a pebble from the past in your moving-ahead-shoe is irritating and inhibits forward motion.  This is a work in progress…like the rest of this Experiment.

I’m very grateful that I have this blog because it certainly helps me to flesh things out in my mind.  But also because of the amazing people that come here to read it, people that comment and link to their own blogs and stories and lives.  It’s really an amazing community and I’m so grateful for it!

My Passion Experiment – Day 4

I sincerely thank everyone that has come to read about this project and especially those who have taken the time to comment, very much appreciated!  I’m on Day 4 of trying to live “on purpose” and of trying to nurture my inner passionate spirit back to life.  I’m not so foolish as to make any determination at this stage as to whether or not it’s “working”.  While normally I would assess and evaluate anything I’m doing, especially new things, in this case I feel that it’s in my best interest to simply keep moving forward.  To look at each new day as a blank canvas on which to paint my colors and each passed day as a finished painting, whatever it might look like.

Over the last couple of days, in choosing to “do it with passion or not at all”, a couple of other words keep popping up in my head.  Respect and disrespect.  In order to bring them into the light and find out what my heart was trying to tell me, I wrote a list of what I feel is respectful (of myself and others) and what I feel is disrespectful (again, of myself and others).

DISRESPECT

• Sleeping in, no gym
• Over-eating, eating when not hungry
• Staying up late (this does not respect my personal sleep needs)
• Using social media during quiet or couple’s time
• Eating foods which are poison to my body and mind (chocolate, grains)

RESPECT

• Keeping personal commitments (gym, dog walking)
• Wiping counters & tidying up at the end of the day and before leaving the house
• Leaving my phone off/away when at home for the evening
• Speaking in a gentle and kind voice (to myself and others)
• Greeting people at the front door to our home
• Taking time to myself without guilt

Here on Day Four of this Experiment, I’ve been back to the gym a couple of times and it’s felt good.  But different.  The first morning I went back I had my lifting grids and I was ready to hop on the treadmill and bang out a 20 minute run and then row for 3000 meters and then get back into my lifting schedule.  And…I hopped onto the treadmill……and just stood there.  41 days had passed since I’d been on a treadmill.  Before that, 6 months had passed without consistent exercise.  And in these 6-8 months previously, I treadmill sprinted…and ended up with inflamed Achilles tendons.  I lifted the heavy weights that my charts said I could do….and hurt my bad shoulder about 4 times.  I stopped and healed and started and injured and stopped a half a dozen times.  Sometimes I didn’t bother even stopping, just kept going…and ended up couched for 7 days in February.

I couldn’t press the speed button that morning.  I just kept thinking how incredibly disrespectful it would be to myself, my body and my emotional and physical health, to walk in off the street and jam myself right back where I was a year ago (or more).  So I walked.  At a wicked incline. And I sweated buckets and felt it in every muscle below my waist.  But…no pain.  No sore knees, no inflamed Achilles, no lower back pain.   After that was over I did some rowing and then it was time to head to the weights.  And again, I was stopped.  What do I do?  I scale it back, slow it down, take it easy and work my way back.  Back to where I was?  Or maybe to somewhere completely new.  Slowly and steadily.  Carefully and “on purpose”.  I left the gym feeling like not only had I gone to the gym which is very important for my “passion growing” but that I also respected myself and where I am right now.  I respected the body that has carried me through some really hard times, I respected my emotional and mental health by being real and honest and true.  Have I felt stronger, physically?  Of course.  But I felt more connected to myself than I have in a very long time and that was the strongest feeling of them all!

My Passion Experiment – Day 2

Yesterday I wrote about the fact that my spark had gone out and that I need to relight my fire.  It got me to wondering, outside of full-fledged clinical depression of course, if a person could turn the tide of their life and reignite their passion for their living simply by starting to place emphasis on the things that are core to them.  Could small, seemingly inconsequential little nothings add up to a renewed vigor?  Could music and exercise and nail painting and tea drinking and candle lighting and quiet time and dog snuggling and prolonged hugging really turn things around?

Being that I’m currently in a position of easily talking myself out of doing anything that is not absolutely essential to my existence (cooking/eating paleo has remained throughout although the joy is lacking) I didn’t want to make a schedule or a calendar and declare that I had to do certain things to make myself feel better.  I simply want to try and inject passion into the things that are me, every day.  My passion.  My love.  My drive.

And so begins My Passion Experiment.  So what are the “rules”?  haha….if you know me at all you know that I love rules…I thrive with rules.

The rules are pretty basic:

1. Do not drift.
2. Do not languish.
3. Do not settle.
4. Do the things that make you happy.
5. Do the things that make you feel pretty.
6. Do the things that bring relaxation to your whole body.
7. Do the things that bring the good endorphins.
8. Do the things that make you respect yourself when you lay your head on the pillow at night.
9. While “do”ing, experience the moment, embrace the activity, whatever it is.
10. Immerse yourself into right now.
11. Discard loud.
12. Banish negative.  (including the shit you say to yourself)
13. Dismiss harsh.

That’s it.  That’s My Passion Experiment. There is no finish line, no measurement of success, no prize at the end.  Just a way to get through the darkness that life has a way of circling around.  A way to embrace the simplicity of every day.  A way to place real emphasis on what I value.

I’d love to hear how you keep the passion in your every day.  How you turn darkness back into light.  How you shutter out gray and black.  How you nurture your true self when time, energy and passion is lacking.

My Passion Experiment

I read this in my morning web-rounds today and haven’t been able to get it off my mind.  “Do it with passion….”.  It doesn’t say what “it” is.  “It” in my life right now is….everything.  I feel like I’ve lost my passion for everything; cooking, dog-care, sex, exercise, health research, self-care, reading, cleaning.  Everything that I value…..sucked into a vortex of passionless apathy.

What does a person do about that?  How do you turn the tide?  How do you spin your world all the way in another direction?  Having my goals lists is great….but if you simply don’t do them, they languish and weeks go by (right, February, I’m aware).

I hate this weather, I absolutely hate it. I’m tired of being cold all the time, I’m tired of the dark and the rain and the snow, I hate that I work until 4:30 in the afternoon, I’m so fucking bored I want to put my head through the wall, I’m sad that I have no vacation to speak of this year.  Ya.  That.  All of it and then some.

I need to breathe life into myself and shake myself out of my monotony.  I need to throw myself at my husband when he comes through the door and kiss and hug him until I am all hugged out.  I need to paint my nails and wax my legs and drink water.  I need to have sex and lay naked in a heap of soft blankets and pillows. I need to earn couch time with the sacrifice of other time.  I need to make invigorating shampoo for my scalp and salt scrub for my skin and lather and scrub them both until they’re tingly.  I need to lay on the floor and let my dog snuffle me in the head and stand on my back while I laugh.  I need to go to the gym and celebrate my body with sweat and effort. I need to force myself to be aware of the moment.

So when you’re mired in gray and fog and dreary cold rain, how do you start the things that light you up? Seriously, I’m asking.  How do you start the things that will light your fire again? The things you too easily talk yourself out of.  

I feel like, once again, I’m on a precipice.  Fix it now or this is your forever.  So I’m going to “Do it with passion or don’t do it at all”.  “It” being everything.  I’m going to forcefully inject passion back into my life in every way and cross my fingers that I don’t run out of energy before the flame catches again.

Plugging Along

It’s Week Two, Day 10 of my no alcohol-no sugar-no junk food-go to the gym reset.  As with all logical, grounded, centered women, I now feel, having made it through the last 10 days successfully, that I should be down 9 pounds and ready to run a 10K.  What?  No?  It doesn’t work that way?  Why is it that when it’s a matter of drinking and eating crap and not exercising that the days blend easily into weeks and into months, but when you’re cleaning up your act and making the right decisions that every day is elongated and accentuated and 10 days feels like 100?

 

Anyway, I have made it through 10 days successfully with no alcohol and only veggies, protein, fat and some fruit.  I’ve also been to the gym four times, one of which was a 6am spinning class yesterday morning.  And while I suspect I have not lost 9 pounds (I wouldn’t know since I don’t weigh but it seems incredibly unlikely), I do feel So Much Better than I did at the start.  I feel more centered and stable and in control.  Amazing what food & some exercise can do, hey?  So, onward I go, not with any parade or fireworks, just plugging away day after day because this is the right thing to do.  And, in a month or two, when I feel like I’m fully reset…..I am REALLY going to enjoy a glass of wine!

 

On the home front, Ray still hasn’t found a new job…..which is a bit startling to us since we really felt he wouldn’t have any issues doing so.  I suspect his resume touting his 36+ years of experience are perhaps a bit off-putting to potential employers as it is a sneak peek at his “nearing retirement” age.  We may need to get after re-wording that portion of his resume!  He’s doing alright though and contemplating just putting a stop to it all and entering official retirement.  We have a lovely, large basement suite that we can consider renting out to the right person and that would be a great additional income as well.  Unfortunately he hasn’t really gotten over the fact that, since our relationship developed, we’ve both had our “chores” and he does his stuff and I do my stuff…….but that was arranged back when we both had full time jobs.  Now I’m the only one working and he’s still only doing “his chores” and leaving me to do the rest.  He has a terrible habit of saying “I wanted to wait for you so that we could do it/go together.”….which in any other time would be sweet, but we don’t need to put the garbage out together or unload the dishwasher together or go and fill a propane tank together.  YOU go do it while I’m at work and then our “together” time can be something enjoyable!  It’s a learning process.

 

As for me, I’m still absolutely solid in my work hours, 7:30 – 3:30 with a full 30 minute lunch break (that sometimes stretches into 40 when Tara and I get chatting).  My stress level has gone down significantly at work…..possibly because I have no commitment anymore to a business that is dissolving……but also because I refuse to answer my work phone or email after 5pm.  Since the only manager that we have left saw fit to leave me here in charge of everything for over two weeks, I’ve decided that if he’s not that worried then neither am I!  It’s a very weird position for me to be in.  I’m a do-er, I like control and results and I’ve had to step back and just let things fall where they may because this was not my decision and there are people much more highly paid than I am who are responsible for making decisions and driving this change……this is not my issue. 

 

Anyway, that’s it on my front.  Day 10 of Forever.

Cleaning Up, Drying Out

All the things that I/we have been doing to gain some comfort in a time of insane upheaval, uncertainty, stress, fragility?  Ya, those aren’t working anymore.  Sure, sitting on the rocking bench outside in the sunshine with a cold beverage and some potato chips worked for awhile.  Chocolate worked for awhile.  Stronger drinks worked pretty well for awhile, too. 

The thing is though, it’s been almost three months, from mid-May to where we are now.  And nothing’s changed.  Well….some things have changed, but certainly not for the better.  So all the lazy comfort-y things quit working, what do I do now?

Clean Up and Dry Out!  I quit drinking alcohol on Sunday night and mean to stay stopped until September 6^th (that’ll be 31 days), whereby it’ll be a once/week thing instead of every day.  I closed the mouth-gate on anything that isn’t veggies, meat, fruit, fat, coffee or water until September 6^th after which it will become “treats” again, not the norm.

I’ve been looking for some ease within my hard-to-live life lately.  Lazy, easy, effortless.  It hasn’t worked at all and in fact it’s had the opposite effect.  I came to the conclusion on our week-long holiday that it never would work, either.  If you can’t get yourself some sort of comfort sitting in warm sunshine and trying to drown your anxiety in a lot of vodka and potato chips there, away from your regular life, it’s certainly not going to work here in the midst of the crazy!

I was worried, that once I realized that it wasn’t working, that I would become resigned to feeling like crap and being depressed and listless and stressed and unhappy, that there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  But what actually happened, when I picked a date and time to change directions, is that I feel empowered.  Somehow it’s stopped the spinning wildly, out-of-control, messed up head feelings.  I feel like maaaaybe I have a plan again, like I miiiight be able to find my mid-ground again before too long.  In a daily grind of uncertainty and stress, it feels good to have set up some boundaries and guidelines for myself.  Structure. 

I’m not so ridiculous as to think that it’s all simplicity going forward…..coming down off of sugar, chips, vodka (then rinse and repeat as needed) is awful.  Considering that I found this new need for structure/plan during Alien Week, it’s possibly even worse.  Being reminded by my very hungry tummy, just how quickly real food is burned as fuel is uncomfortable.  Knowing that I Have To Find A Way to get to the gym in the mornings makes me feel icky inside…..who wants to go back after an absence this long?!  But, that powerless feeling of wishing for something but doing nothing to actually get it is gone. 

It’s absurd to me now, having a bit of clarity, that I would throw down everything that I’ve worked and sweated and cried and fought for…….it seems absolutely crazy to allow my personal self to implode in the catastrophic way that was coming.

I’d love to end this post and say “I’m good now, I’m back and solid and completely in control.”.  That would be cocky and arrogant and completely untrue.  What I am is at least standing back on the right road with a road map and a plan and a destination in mind.

Taking Advantage

 

I am taking advantage of the gorgeous weather we’re about to have and doing some spring cleaning….inside of myself.  It is no secret that the last couple of weeks have sucked a bit for me (world events aside, I’m talking about personal, everyday life).  It is maybe a bit more of a secret that during the suckage I’ve not been doing the things to make myself feel better/move forward and I’ve even done a couple things that are directly the opposite of what my personal philosophy dictates.

But….it’s all good.  In friendship and in this blog world we all draw on each other; for entertainment and hope and camaraderie and strength and motivation and inspiration.  As I’ve said before, I refuse to only report the successes and the positives because that is not what real life is like.  I don’t do fake.  So the reality is that I am/was on a down-tick and this morning I’ve slammed the door to that room shut and I’m going to force an up-tick, asap!

When my coffee is finished I’ll be drinking water.  When it’s breakfast time I’ll be eating green salad with chicken.  When it’s lunchtime I’ll be eating veggies and protein. When it’s dinnertime, more of the same.  Over my lunch break I’ll be studying for Thursday’s exam.  When tomorrow morning comes I’ll be in the gym.  When I crave sugar (which….in some people brings the same reaction as snorting cocaine….so don’t anyone try to tell me that sugar is not addictive!) I will…..I don’t know…..drink water, pet the dog, go outside, go to bed, paint my nails, brush my teeth….something….anything to kill the sugar monster!  When I’m annoyed that my tummy is a bit bloated I’m going to give it a nice pat and reaffirm my plans.  Water, clean eating, gym.  Water, clean eating, gym. 

Life is hard.  Sometimes it’s not hard but lazy.  Sometimes it’s even just for fun.  One aspect of my “personal philosophy” mentioned above is to do more that is right than is wrong.  So now that my personal “hard” has abated, I’m going to banish lazy and redefine fun and kick as much of my own ass as I can.  Because “hard” will come again.  Maybe in a month, maybe not for a few months.  You never know when life is going to kick you in the soft parts so working hard in the inbetween times is crucial to making it through the rough times!

Anyone who wants to text me at 4am tomorrow morning, you let me know and I’ll send you my cell number!  It’s going to be a ROUGH get up after two weeks off…..

Our weekend was pretty good, a few pics below of a group doggie walk, the hilarity of trying to crack a macadamia nut and the 80 pounds I am forced to work around if I want to lay on the couch in my pajamas!

 

Saturday morning I took Gracie for a quick walk and we ran into (literally) her doggie-friends so went for an offleash, offroad walk together.

Macadamia nuts from a friend, direct from Hawaii. Turns out these buggers are nearly impossible to crack!

Wacking them with a hammer (per the instructions they came with) didn’t work.

Using the bench vice did….sort of.

This is what I have to put up with when I want to sit on the couch!

Balance

Friday:  snow

Saturday:  tank top & cut offs while gardening

Sunday: feather vest and sweatshirt, long pants

 

On Friday when I pulled into our neighborhood and saw that it was snowing, I promptly drove myself to the liquor store to get some wine….for medicinal purposes, of course.

 

We didn’t get up to much on Friday night and then on Saturday morning we had a club meeting.  Following the meeting we got groceries and ran a couple errands and then went home and did this:

  

Where you can now see lava rock, it was all overgrown rhododendron.  We ripped and cut it back, leveled the ground, laid down some landscaping fabric and a “barrier” tie at the back and then filled it in with lava rock.  I called it my 20 minute garden….probably it was more like an hour of work between the two of us, but still, quick and done!  That spot right there (and on the sidewalk) is the hottest side of our house in the summer and tomatoes flourish there.  Historically we each get our own tomato plant and then our plants duke it out over the summer to see who the best producer is!  We end up with way more tomatoes than we can eat though and everyone else we know also grows them so there’s no one to give them to.  So, this year I decided to clear cut a spot and plant container blueberries and raspberries instead.  Hence the lava rock garden and pots! 

 

Saturday night while watching random television I decided to try making coconut chips.  They turned out AWESOME, too good.  I used this recipe but next time would severely limit (or eliminate) the salt, I found them much too salty for my personal taste.

  

On Sunday after going out for breakfast (somehow this has become tradition) we went back home and picked up Grace and then went to a park in a neighboring town for a walk.  It’s always refreshing to go somewhere new, while we are blessed to live on the doorstep of a beautiful forest with well maintained trails, it gets a bit overdone walking the same ones day after day so we set off somewhere new.  We went about 5-6km in a gorgeous cool sunshine.  We all loved the change of scenery!

  

After our walk we started on some yardwork.  I mowed and edged both of our lawns, did doo-doo pickup and raked up old leaves while Ray worked on his new hanging tomato system.  I got the total short end of that stick (the back yard hadn’t been mowed yet this year, the grass was 8” tall, thick and damp) but it was great exercise!  And, after a good walk and the yardwork, we had a delicious fresh dinner.  It was a recipe that originally came from my late boss but which I very slightly adapted.  Pretty much just marinated chicken chunks which are sautéed with a sweet onion, garlic and tomatoes (canned-drained or fresh) and then tossed with roasted spaghetti squash until warm through and then sprinked with feta.  So delicious!

So, that’s what happened in the past, what’s coming this week?  Studying…….gym…….staying away from snacks/sugar……..more studying.  I’m such a creature of habit that having this exam hanging over my head is really messing with my feeling of balance.   I think it’s maybe a bit why I’ve been feeling almost like I’m depressed (I’m not).  It could also be because I’m now taking an exam for something that I won’t, in the forseeable future, actually be able to use.  Either way, I want the exam to come never but also tomorrow so that it’s over with.  That depressive, out of balance feeling is probably driving an urge to “feel better” that I’m trying to assuage by eating sugar and carbs (serotonin, anyone?). 

 

What’s on this week for everyone else?  Anything looming on the horizon that is messing with your regular balance?

Hold ‘Em

Know when to hold ‘em

Know when to fold ‘em

Know when to walk away

Know when to run

You know that song?  Kenny Rogers.  It’s a classic….and it has been on repeat in my head for the last couple of days.  I’ve missed two gym days this week.  I have wasted two days not studying this week.  Two days.  Pshaw…..2 days is nothing.  Two days is easily recovered from, it’s only Wednesday for crying out loud. 

I really think that there should be another line in that song….”know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to gently set ‘em down for a couple of days to allow yourself a break/rest both physically and mentally.”  That doesn’t really “sing” that well though….but it’s true.  There should be a medium between “holding ‘em” and “folding ‘em”.  Maybe it seems silly or petty or overly dramatic that I am still hung up on the fact that, for reasons outside of my control, I will not be able to change careers/industries anytime soon.   In my heart and mind though, it’s not silly or petty, having your dreams dashed never feels good, no matter the reason and I definitely felt it over the last couple of days.  I think any time someone pulls a rug out from under you, you wobble and it takes some time to get centered again.   For that reason I chalk the last couple of days up as “a needed cop-out”.  Now I’m going to close the door on that and move forward.  It’s a fine line between taking a set back, feeling it, dealing with it and moving on, and taking a set back and digging yourself a hole that very hard to get out of.

I was miiiiiserable yesterday.  Absolutely miserable.  I got home and thought I’d let the dog improve my mood.  Sometimes I’ll lay down on the floor at the top of the stairs and she comes and lays down beside me and puts her paws on my head like she’s claiming me and then attempts to lick me in the face/ears….normally makes me giggle like a weirdo, but yesterday she must’ve sensed I wasn’t right because she wouldn’t do it.

I had about an hour to kill before my waxist showed up (that’s just what a girl wants, right?  Getting sensitive bits stripped while extra-crabby!) so I decided to do some food-prep for today.  As I was chopping cabbage and making sauce and hardboiling eggs and putting together lunches I found myself inching back towards my center.  The tirade of rude and hateful comments about myself and others in my head started to ease and shift to more positive statements and I started to feel much better.  I went to bed calm and more centered….even though I knew I wouldn’t be getting up for the gym in the morning.  Why not?  Because while I was feeling better mentally and emotionally, I was/am exhausted.  It’s allergies, Alien Week, disappointment, stress/depression and there was no reason not to allow myself to skip a second gym day and get an extra two hours of sleep.  While guilt is my first reaction anytime I miss the gym, I refuse to allow it this time.  I needed to be in bed more than I needed to be at the gym.  End of discussion.

Today is a gorgeous new day though and as crummy as I felt, I didn’t “fold ‘em”.  I may have soothed myself more than necessary with chocolate and gave a big finger to doing anything I should have been doing….but I didn’t fold. It’s supposed to clear up this afternoon so my gorgeous dog and I are going to take a nice long trail walk after work (green exercise!).  I have an easy, fresh and healthy dinner ready to cook up and I’ll be going to bed early because now that my mind and heart are starting to feel a bit better, my body needs to lift some heavy things!

How do you deal with disappointment?  Do you turn to food?