July 16, 2014: Pride & Gelato

This whole “new bike, high expectations, frustration inducing” few days that I’ve had are, of course, teaching me a lesson about myself and about life.

Yesterday at work my boss told me of a top notch ice cream store about a 45 minute ride away.  After some consideration and deciding that nothing changes if you don’t make changes, I studied the map, memorized the directions and then told Ray that I wanted to lead a ride to a “mystery location”.  Normally I would never ride in the lead.  I’ve done it approximately a half dozen times in 6 years.  I always preferred riding at the back and taking my cues and confidence from him.  I also basically get lost in a parking lot so leading a ride to somewhere completely new is even more foreign.  Last night though, I put my confidence out on the line and went way out of my comfort zone.

And it turned out?  Pretty frigging awesome.  I didn’t tell him where we were going because I felt like it would be easier for me to “need” to lead if only I knew our destination (also, I like surprises so I thought I would give him one).  On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best riding I have ever done and 1 being “I’m done, abandon bike”, the ride out to the ice cream last night was a solid 6.  Not super great….but not horrible and I’m happy with that.  My stopping has improved immensley since Monday and now I’m achieving a smooth, controlled landing 90% of the time.  My accelerating from a stop still sort of sucks, I haven’t quite figured out the clutch/brake/throttle combo yet but it’s better than it was.  Blah blah blah…if you’re not a rider, you probably don’t care about that crap.  My point is, improvement!

For the ride back home I asked Ray to lead as I was a bit turned around and besides, behind him is normally where I’m most comfortable so I wanted to give that a whirl too.  If the ride out was a 6, the ride back was a 3.  Wha?!  Never, in my wildest imagination, would I have believed I would have more confidence beign in charge of myself and leading myself around.  Never.  Around halfway home, Ray took off ahead faster than I wanted to go which made us “independent riders” rather than riding as a pair (closer together and staggered).  Once again, higher skill level, higher confidence, better ride.  He told me when we got home that he’d noticed it wasn’t going as well as the ride out there so he spread us out to give me space to do my own thing. 

So…I learned a few things last night.  First, all my efforts at gaining my own space, time, independence has worked in ways I never predicted.  I will not, for one second, say that I was oppressed…..but I did, over time and circumstance, stop working on the things that are important to making me a strong, healthy woman.  Second, had I not just spent 5 figures on this new bike, I would have quit on Monday.  And Tuesday.  And a little bit on Wednesday morning.  I expect perfection right out of the gate and if I don’t have it, my first reaction is to assume that I am broken, useless or bad at whatever it is.  Instead, if I could learn to expect wobbles and a bumpy start and just keep pushing on, I would distress myself a lot less!  I’ll keep practicing and paying attention and I’ll get better.  Ray’s comment Tuesday was that Jezebel is talking to me, I just don’t understand what she’s saying yet.  Last night I figured out a bit of her language.  It makes me wonder how many other things I have quit in defeat because I wasn’t perfect at it right off the bat.

Finally, I learned last night to never make anyone else responsible for making you feel good, accomplished or proud.  I was very, VERY proud of myself last night.  I rode my brand new bike the furthest I’ve gone with her, I led the ride which I have rarely done and I took us to somewhere totally new which I have never done.  That is all HUGE for me.  Unfortunately, for a little while, I was feeling let down because I was really expecting (hoping) that Ray would be super impressed and proud of me.  And………..he wasn’t really.  I don’t think he really sees it as an accomplishment, just as something he figures I should be able to do.  It was very disappointing (and possibly led to the less-fantastic ride home) and took the shine off.  Along the way home I “turned the corner” and decided that my pride in myself is enough.  I am enough!  However………I did have a calm word with Ray before I went to bed; along the lines of “Honey, sometimes I need you to tell me that you’re proud of me.”.  He was basically shocked and couldn’t understand why I didn’t just know that he was impressed and proud of me because he always is, “duh.”.  It’s an ongoing communication issue that flares up from time to time. (remember how I told you my blog is totally honest and unfiltered these days? This would be one of those instances………..relationships are hard, we can be on different playing fields sometimes and we don’t always make our spouses feel very good………it’s life……..and even though I was screaming “You’re quite the confidence killer!” in my head on the way home, I pulled myself together and went at the issue much more gently………whether it worked or not?  Who knows.)

So to summarize. Bike = much better, Shanny = more confident, relationships are hard, ice cream is where it’s at!

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Thursday, June 26, 2014: Today Girl

Lose 25 pounds, run 10km, squat body weight, save money, take tropical vacation, change life, become new person.  All thoughts that I have regularly and which become hugely overwhelming and defeating.  Thoughts that also project me so far into the future that I miss out on the day that I am living right now.  Even from week to week; I plan for the next week and the next month and project ahead to see what things will look like and I lose what they look like right now.  Through various forms of self-reflection, I have come to the conclusion that I can’t continue on being Unrealistic Expectation Girl. I need to be Today Girl. I spend so much time picturing my life as a different person; me…..but better.  Me…..but fitter.  Me…..but happier.  Me…….all the good qualities and none of the bad.  Me……perfect.  And the thought of trying to get to “perfect me” is exhausting and basically impossible.

So…..what if I change my thought process and focus on simply being the Me that I am right now.  Today Girl.  Today Girl looks at herself the way that she is right now….and banishes the “if this would change and that would get smaller and those would get bigger then I would be happier” thoughts.  Today Girl makes a budget and then makes spending decisions per the budget…and banishes the “6, 8, 12 months from now I’ll have saved $$$ and then I’ll be happier” thoughts.  Today Girl does a reasonable workout for the body and fitness she has today…..and banishes the “this is useless, I’ll never get there” and “6 months from now I’ll be a fierce, totally fit force to be reckoned with and then I’ll be happier” thoughts.

Today Girl recognizes where she is mentally and physically and works with exactly what she has right now and does not worry one iota about what she may have mentally or physically by tomorrow or next month.  Today Girl recognizes that this will be a new way of thinking and that it may feel strange and uncomfortable and even a bit backwards but Unrealistic Expectation Girl’s way of thinking wasn’t working so I’ll try this.

Something I have been sorely missing in the last 8 months is time to myself.  Just to think.  To check in, to recalibrate, to blank my thoughts and rest my brain.  I’ve lamented this lack of alone time for a while now, knowing that it’s part of my dissatisfaction with my life as it is right now.  But oddly, I’ve been unwilling to do anything to really take back that time for myself. Maybe it’s because I’ve felt like “our” needs are greater than my needs and I’ve been loath to do anything that makes any other party uncomfortable or put upon.   Given that it has recently become crystal clear to me just how valuable “time” can be and how greatly it can help my mood, outlook and disposition, I’ve made just “one small change” that my sister advised me to make.

Wednesday and Friday night are Chef’s Night Off.  Basically The Chef is out of the building and both parties can make, buy, eat or not eat whatever they want for dinner and the next day’s lunch.  PB&J?  Go for it. Order pizza?  Here’s the phone.  A plate of watermelon?  Sure thing.  Protein shake and almonds?  Great. Nothing at all?  Consider yourself on a fast then.  I complain (yes, it IS complaining) all the time about how I have no time and cooking is a huge time suck and I just need some downtime….and yet nothing changes.  No miracle helper is sent to me, I still plan, shop for and make every meal that we eat, months go by and I’m in the same position I was in before but getting progressively more burnt out and, yes, resentful.  So I have made the change that I need in order to care for myself.  And yes, there will be an impact and yes, there will be an adjustment and there might even be some resentment from one or both of us………….but it’s non-negotiable.  I need time and I’m taking it back.  I’m taking it from “us” and giving it to “me”.

This may seem like a small and strange little step to take…but it’s the first step in reclaiming myself and figuring out who I am now that the dust has settled.  It’s the first in a series of small changes that will see me become more responsible for myself and less responsible for everything that is “us”.

Bye Baby

It would be really easy right now to completely chuck out all of February’s goals, given my current state.  But….this afternoon, in a drug and pain induced haze, I had the thought that if I did that, it would be the complete opposite of my theme of the year (self) and my goal to find balance in my life.  So I can’t go to the gym….is that any reason to chuck out my financial goals, my sugar-less goals, my relationship goals?  It is not.  I’ve been called “stoic” a few times in the last couple of days and I’m going to be stoic here and stay true to my values and goals and stay as true to the course as I can get.

One thing that has come out of this is a dramatic slow down in everything.  Every single thing I do, from pouring and drinking a coffee to picking which pajama pants to wear has to be thought out in advance and done deliberately.  Every move I make right now is painful and that is ratcheted up exponentially if I have to move quickly or do something more than once.  Just to elaborate on my situation (because it’s all-consuming right now for me), here’s a fun list:

Things I can’t do at all right now (besides fitness, of course):

put my hair in a ponytail, tie my shoes, wear tights, floss my teeth, take my contacts in or out, fill the large dog water dish, put on or take off a necklace, go to work, drive my car (stick shift)

Things I can’t do efficiently or effectively:

laundry, dishes, cooking, shampooing or styling my hair, brushing my teeth, getting off the sofa or out of bed, anything that requires my dominant hand/arm to be engaged at all.

I just got back from taking Gracie for a walk…..after 20 minutes of cavorting into The Ugliest Outfit I’ve ever worn outdoors (selected for my ability to get into and out of it one-armed), we went on a Very Slow march around a few residential blocks in the neighborhood.  It is cold outside but clear and the fresh air felt fantastic.  Tonight is Thursday so we normally go to Costco after dinner but….and here’s a bit of vanity for you…..unless Ray is going to help me get some leggings or yoga pants on, I’m not going out in public wearing what I just wore to walk the dog.  Not.  I still have pride!

I’ll be trying to go to work tomorrow because I don’t currently get paid for staying at home (thanks, new job!).  Ray is going to have to help dress me a bit in the morning…..but I’ll be on my own when I’m at work and have to pee.  TMI, but it’s something I have to think about.  As long as I can get some sleep tonight (slept last night in our spare bed and alternated between crying and dozing sitting up….which was the only position that the bastard arm didn’t make me want to shoot myself) and get dressed with at least combed hair tomorrow, I will go to work.  Even typing that I’m considering going to work sounds so frigging idiotic……(as long as I can comb my hair and get dressed??) but I have to at least show up there.  This is still a new-ish job and I can’t just not show for two days.

We have a three day weekend ahead (thank HEAVENS) and although I won’t be doing any of the things I originally planned, I’m so grateful for the extra days off!  Ray doesn’t know it yet but I’ll still be doing my weekend cooking “hour” because I want to be able to eat good and healthy food next week.  The only difference between my normal cooking time and this weekend is that Ray is going to do most of it with my guidance.

And in regards to hubby dearest who was acting like a bit of a spoiled brat the past few days……he got told last night to step up his game.  He got reminded that I do A LOT for us normally where he does very little, he got reminded that we are in a PARTNERSHIP and you don’t just hang the other partner out to dry when it gets inconvenient.  And he got reminded that he was severely injured FOR A YEAR and I did absolutely everything from cooking, laundry, dog, house, shopping, banking, helping him with hygiene, doctor appts, and being ready and available for HIS EVERY NEED.  FOR A YEAR.  So slamming pots around and acting like I’m torturing him because he has to fry the fajita ingredients (which were pre-chopped and already seasoned!) is effing ridiculous and childish and makes me look at him very differently.    I realize I’ve given him a very nice life and he’s become accustomed to being taken care of and I don’t personally do well on the accepting help front….but we have No Choice in this case so he needs to step up and I need to let/make him.

So to summarize:  not throwing the baby out with the bathwater (February Goals), taking this forced slowdown for what it’s worth and trying to learn from it, considering getting some nice yoga pants/sweatpants that can be worn in public, and doing some work on the old relationship.

Wishing for good, restful and pain-free sleep tonight and some improvement tomorrow….even if it’s miniscule, I’ll take it!

Cute Shoes…And Other Things

Happy Wednesday, Internet!  Did you have a good sleep?

I was in the gym again this morning working on some rowing and my legs.  I hate leg day because I don’t like leg exercises but I love leg day because it’s a faster workout for me so I get home sooner and get to have almost a half hour to myself to ice my legs and drink coffee.  Tomorrow is a FULL ON REST DAY (no gym, no century mileage) and because of that I’m kind of looking forward to tonight, staying up an hour later and laying on my couch watching my shows while Ray goes over to his buddy’s house (I took back Wednesday evenings to be mine, all mine, more on that another day).  Friday will be another upper body day at the gym and then only century mileage on Saturday and Sunday I’m doing a community run with my Seestah!

I was so excited this morning to be feeling a bit slender-er so I put on a top that Ray’s daughter bought me for C’mas that was….err…..much too tight at Cmas time.

I’ve been really nervous about stepping onto the scale next Friday (Jan 31) because I’ve been working really hard and feeling really good (finally) but felt that nothing was really changing and not seeing that scale drop down to at least near my goal would be heartbreaking.  But this morning I can tell based on this outfit that something has changed even if I’m not quite sure yet as to what that is.

And….I’m wearing these awesomely cute shoes to go with it.  I bought them in December and could not WAIT to wear them….this morning they seemed like they would go really well with my outfit win…even if it is still a bit chilly out to be wearing them.

I just wanted to talk quickly about my eating at the table thing.  It is definitely still a struggle to get Ray to naturally head for the table three nights per week and to be honest, sometimes I completely forget that we’re supposed to be sitting there.  So why am I so stuck on it? It has a little to do with enjoying the food and really compartmentalizing meals. But my ultimate goal was to get us talking to each other more, spending more face to face time with each other every evening.  Last night I thought maybe it’s working.  Dinner was in the oven when Ray got home and I don’t turn on the TV when I’m home first.  We stood in the kitchen and talked and laughed and pestered each other and then we moved into another room, sat down and went over my weights routines to make sure that they are balanced.  It was SO nice to be together with no background noise and no distractions.  Ultimately, our chatting and whatever led to a LOT of time passing and we didn’t sit down to dinner until nearly 7pm….so I acquiesced on the dinner table in favour of watching a show together while we ate.  People get into a rut…..we got into a rut.  A dull, quiet, boring rut….and my firm insistence on focusing on just each other for the duration of a meal in the evening is, slowly but surely, getting us out of it.

I have me a splitting headache right now….I’m glad that the tea I picked out for myself last night was a peppermint based one since peppermint is good for a headache….but it doesn’t seem to be helping at all!  I’m off to throw myself into the incredibly, brain-bleedingly dry world of pricing high voltage electrical maintenance.  As if that won’t make me want to put my head through the wall!

Deficiency!

These last few days, especially the last three or four, have been ROUGH.  I’ve been feeling resentful and bitter and angry and jealous.  I’ve been a bitch and snarky and barky and generally a jerk to be around. Ray….well…..he’s one of those guys that is repelled by any emotion (his or other’s) that is not “fine”.  But…he’s been a grumpy bear these days also and I was chalking it up to my shitty attitude….not so.  Then this morning after a couple blogs and blog comments a few different thoughts that have been swirling around all came together.

Let me take you back to mid of December for a moment, when Gracie (our boxer) started getting exceptionally irritating.  She would climb into our laps and put her face right in ours and howl.  She’d stand 5 feet away and bark at us for 20 minutes.  She’d get really bite-y when playing.  She refused to get out of the kitchen (which is a skill that we have trained her on, she knows not to cross the kitchen line) unless you pushed her out physically.  We just figured that she was lonely and bored.  Then, on New Year’s Day evening we went for dinner at Ray’s mom’s house and had the opportunity to feed her there.  In looking at her food and then looking at her, it occurred to me that perhaps we weren’t feeding her enough. Now….don’t panic, she’s not starving by ANY stretch…and she’s a big, meaty dog…..but she looked like maybe she wasn’t quite meaty enough anymore.  We fed her another small meal that night and then upped her food a bit (the vet had her on a diet for a few months previous to this) and she is once again a docile, calm, obedient and loving dog.  It took two days.

So back to the human part of the family.  When Tara cut her video and then wrote her post about not having enough carbs during Whole30 to stave off extra depression and anxiety, I foolishly told myself that “I’m not going a Whole30, that can’t be it”.   Over the evening I read Tara’s blog again and then took a step back (turning out to never be a bad move, that “step back”) and assessed what we’ve been eating and how it stacks up against what has been successful for me in the past.

I follow the feeding principle of Whole30 if not the rest of the criteria, eating a meal large enough to get you to the next, times 3.  Limit snacking to not at all or only when needed.  Limit fruit to “occasionally”.  It became clear to me immediately this morning that my awful attitude and inner feelings are because I’m not eating enough.  It also became clear to me that Ray’s bad mood is HIS own bad mood…probably because he’s not eating enough….because if I’m not then he’s not…he’s 6’0 and 220 and eating the same as I am.

So…..this morning I upped our breakfast, packed a bit more stew into our lunches and threw an apple in my bag. I also brought a jar of almond butter to work with me….because when I was MOST successful I used to eat AB out of the jar at work…..not that the AB made me successful….just that if I was doing it and enjoying it at my most successful….then I can certainly do it now as well, no harm!

This all wouldn’t be overy noteworthy….except that I have been a twisted woman these days and I do NOT like it.  I am not a jealous person, I have nothing to worry about and Deanna is not a blonde bimbo, she’s just a woman doing what she feels is right and having camaraderie with the likeminded people she works with….and that includes my husband.  Only…..Ray would eat a plate of grass clippings if you put it in front of him, he places NO value on food whatsoever.  He has lived with and through the last four years of me changing our diet (“diet” being the food we eat), talking about it all the time, sharing my research, teaching him what I’m learning.  And then a friendly woman at work starts talking about similar things……so ya, I can see him coming home and relating the conversations they have…..because it’s the stuff that we talk about.  My nutrition-deficient brain did NOT appreciate that in the manner in which it was meant.  Deanna (and her beliefs) are no threat to me, it’s just conversation.

When I started thinking about feeling under-appreciated I started assessing how things are different in the last few weeks than they have been previously.  Ya, they’re not.  Nothing has changed except my reaction to it.  Enter nutrition depleted brain again.

This all happened before I’d even gotten dressed this morning.  So….I figured it out thanks to Tara’s posts and Lana’s comment on my last blog.  And then, standing naked in front of the mirror, assessing my body while blowdrying my hair, I had this thought:  “Whatever, suck it up until May when you’ve met your weight loss goals, you don’t need any extra food, it’ll just slow you down.”.  So MEAN, that first thought!

I’ve been working hard to balance my life out and to think that I would notice this failing and not fix it would be absurd!  So I can either get a divorce or I can up our intake….more avocado/coconut milk/mayo/almond butter/coconut oil and more beets/carrots/potatoes/turnips/yams/squash.  Our protein intake is pretty good, I think we’re probably on our high end of the spectrum.

So thank you to Tara for her vid and post, thank you to Lana for her honest comment, thank you to the article I saw the other day that talked about BMR and calorie intake, thank you to Robb Wolf’s tweet that said “Don’t trust anyone or anything.  Experiment and see what works.”.  And thank you to myself for taking the time to honestly assess the situation and rank my mental health (and subsequently my relationship) higher than my desire to shed weight.

Brain Dump

I’ve been feeling a bit distant from my man over the last couple of weeks.  I’m starting to be resentful of his lack of appreciation for all the work and love that I put in for feeding us.  I try not to be because to him it’s just food….but to me it’s a manifestation of the love I have for both of us.  It doesn’t help that I have also been extra tired these last couple of weeks, getting back to a regular rhythm with the gym at 4am, extreme boredom at work, the first 5 day work week in a month, shitty weather, general January blues.  It all spins around and twists us up into a net of unhappiness and I’m ready for that to stop Right Now.

Here’s where I get a little snarky.  There’s a woman who works with Ray, I’ve met her, she’s not my bag.  She’s very loud and in your face and that doesn’t sit well with me.  Regardless, she’s probably a perfectly nice person.  But she’s opted to take some online nutrition course and if I have to hear One More Goddamn Thing that Deanna says about nutrition I’m going to start myself on fire.

 

Deanna says we should add fat to every meal.  (Oh, WHAAAAT?)

Deanna says two to three servings a day of whole grains is healthy.  (Ya, well she’s wrong.)

Deanna says we should be eating small meals every 2-3 hours.  (Ya, wrong again, have fun with your diabetes.)

Deanna says fdsaioaseo ru ewsa fda szpo  dfsjf (I stopped listening for preservation of my sanity)

This extra adds to my already fragile state of mind surrounding food and cooking right now.  I do not give a whit what some broad in his office decided to believe in and if he says one more time that “but she’s taking a course, it can’t be all wrong” I’m going to set him on fire.  It’s an internet course, more or less based on Conventional Wisdom.  I can take an internet course based on raw veganism, that doesn`t mean that it A) is right for everyone and B) is based in any actual science.

Anyway, I sent Raymond a text today saying that I was feeling that we’d been a bit distant with each other and that tonight after dinner I want to cuddle up on the same couch and listen to music and just be with each other.  It’s a thing we like to do and I think we need it extra right now.  Stupid January blues.

In other news, I did an awesome workout at the gym this morning, 25 Minute Treadmill HIIT and then a lower body weight routine; leg press, ham curls, calf press, squat press (I bonked myself in the head with the weight plate on the first rep of this one…d’oh!) and then abs and stretching.  I am going to replace my third gym workout this week with a 3.5 km run in Mundy Park on Saturday morning.  I kind of want to go to the gym tomorrow because today was pretty awesome…..but that’s an old trap and I can recognize it from a mile away.  It’s wanting everything to be fixed Right Now, it’s wanting to be “that person”, it’s scoffing at recovery.  And it’s not happening.  It’s an important step in my balance seeking to take a step back, know that I did a good job when I was supposed to be there and know that not going every day doesn’t undo all the good.  It’s also an important step in meeting myself where I am, not being so driven to get away from here as quickly as possible.  Where I am now, I am because of some pretty rough times and I have to respect whatever coping I had to do to come out the other side and still be standing.  Can’t be mad or upset about that, really.

And finally, if you’re a Well Fed cook, if you ever make Best Chicken Ever, here’s the ingredients for an AMAZING leftovers salad.

 

Cubed up Best Chicken

Roast garlic baby potatoes (I would do them the day before)

Put both of these in tinned foil packet and warm in the oven.  Not cooking it again, just warm it up. When it comes out, toss it with:

2 parts Morracan Sauce

1 part Mayo

Toast some walnuts just before you’re ready to take the chicken back out.

For one dinner salad:

Bed of lettuce

Put chicken mixture in the centre and surround it with:

Half an apple, chopped

1 Baby cucumber, sliced

Handful cherry tomatoes, sliced in half

Warm walnuts

Drizzle with Sunshine Sauce thinned with coconut milk and a teeeeeny bit of hot water.  I probably would have topped it with some avocado if I’d had any.

I was stuffed to the gills when I was finished!

That’s it, there’s my brain dump.  A snarky rant, a bit of self-affirmation and a recipe.  Pretty much the contents of my brain on most days.

Golden Egg

Wouldn’t it be great if you got your slate wiped clean every single day?  If, every day, you got to start again with a gold star or an A+ in your chart?  I don’t think this is an original idea by any stretch but it’s been on my mind lately.  As a person who is on a seemingly endless quest for balance, I feel like this “New Day” idea is going to factor greatly in to where I go this year and how I get there.  I feel, for the first time ever like what happened yesterday doesn’t matter. I think that this is one of those clichés that everyone “says” but that you have to grow into understanding and really believing.

What I did yesterday, last week or last year doesn’t count.  I drank too much over the holidays and previous to that, ate too many chocolate almonds when I was going through my work transition.  Doesn’t matter.  I used to be a weight-room regular and had the physique to prove it (*).  Doesn’t matter.  Good or bad, it really doesn’t matter.  You wake up in the morning and start wherever your actions dropped you at the end of the day before.  If you ate crap and drank too much then your starting point is behind bloat and guilt.  If you ate your veggies and went for a walk then your starting point is in the light of self-respect and self-love.

I keep reading these articles that say that as you get past your early 30’s, certain hormones slow down and this changes and that changes and the things your body did before don’t happen as easily now and it was starting to get kind of depressing….like, through whatever circumstances I experienced or perceived, I missed the window on ever getting “there”.

Since “there” doesn’t really exist and there is no official road map to navigate to “there” and I’ve already made the declaration that I cannot wage war on myself anymore, what’s a woman to do?

I’ve put some goals down on paper and shared them here but I kept trying to fill in a long term goal.  My pie in the sky, golden egg, mystical rainbow, dream destination.  I realized that I don’t have one.  I’m not going to run a marathon, I have no tropical vacation planned, I’m not getting married….I just have my regular life and I want to love living it.   So my desire is to wake up each morning in the light of self-respect and self-love.   I would like every morning to be the achievement of my long-term goal.  Did I live my life in the balance of health, happiness, activity, relaxation, reward and discipline?  If the answer is yes?  That’s my mystical-rainbow-dream-destination-golden-egg.  It’s immeasurable and never ending and I’ll never “get there”…but with the right decisions I can go there every day.

(*) I only realized by recently looking at a picture from almost two years ago that I was in pretty decent form!  Since I had no balance and nothing was ever good enough, I never even noticed the excellent shape that I was in and that’s a crying shame.

Ode to a Cold?

(I’m not actually going to compose an ode to my cold, it was just a catchy title!  Sorry for any disappointment that you may not hear an untalented woman with a cold sing a song!)

Toast, pudding, orange juice, tea with honey, soup, hot toddy.  What do all these things have in common?  I wanted them all yesterday at some stage or another while laying on the sofa being miserable.  What else do they have in common?  I didn’t eat any of them.  My whiney-sick-person eats included a Babybel cheese (of which my dog ate the wax and plastic wrapper at some stage when I wasn’t paying attention), a part of a smoked salmon omelette, a Larabar and a pot of ginger coconut tea.  Being sick blows.  Being sick and having a restrictive diet blows very hard!  I realize now that I was in no way actually prepared to be sick.  Ray was asleep all day (he’s on graveyards) so even if I’d been able to dream up something comforting to eat (that I didn’t have to cook), I had no one to send out to get it for me anyway.

Strangely, I saw a recipe for chicken soup on Friday night and thought to myself that I should really get some made and in the freezer in case I ever ended up under the weather.  Then on Sunday I had this overwhelming feeling that I should get on that sooner rather than later.  And, wouldn’t you know it, I came down with something that night.  It’s so surreal to me that when your body is clear and healthy that you can totally hear the signals it’s sending.  I obviously heard the “you’re getting sick” signal on the weekend, just didn’t really know what it meant.

Anyway, I’m at work today.  Unfortunately.  It’s unfortunate, you see, because sick people need sleep and work is a difficult place to achieve that.  I’m also a little bummed that the gym was a no go on Saturday and yesterday and probably tomorrow (so pretty much the whole week) because I have been enjoying it.  However, stressing your body (yep, exercise is stress.  Good stress, but stress nonetheless) when you’re already knocked down is a recipe for adrenal fatigue and no one wants that. 

Since I don’t have much choice but to sit this day out until I can get home, I’m doing it with hot tea, fizzy Vitamin C shots and water.  I have no idea what we’re going to do for dinner tonight, however much like yesterday, I suppose I’ll be cooking it.   My whole being wants to just lay on the couch (floor, landing, entrance, driveway, wherever) when I get home, but if I do that then we’re not going to be eating.  In addition to sick people needing sleep, we also need food.  And since I’m our resident chef, that’s up to me.  Ray is also, inconveniently, on graveyards and that shift never showcases his contributory traits.

Honestly, I can totally see where it would be kind of nice to be sick occasionally, lay around, miss a couple days of work, watch daytime television, drink pots of tea and nap as needed…..if you’re a man or a child and have a wife or mother to look after you.  If you’re the woman who maintains the running of the house, who puts very high value on nutrition quality and content and who is the general care-taker, being sick is a huge pain in the ass, resentment building, exhausting, depressing undertaking.

Short Recap of a Long Weekend

I have 15 minutes to chug some coffee while writing this post and then get in the shower and start my day (off).  So I thought I’d do more pictures, less talking.  We’ll see how that works!  If you follow me on Twitter you may have already seen these pictures.  If you don’t follow me on Twitter, why not go click the button?

Friday morning I got up and took Grace for a gorgeous warm 6 kilometer walk and then came home and got ready for my big appointment of the day.  At 11am, I got this!

I’d say it didn’t hurt, but I’d be lying, obviously.  However…..it really didn’t hurt that much.  Since my only comparison was the one that I have down my right side (starts up on my ribs, ends on my hip), this one was a frigging breeze!  Just the shading in the last 20 minutes or so was very bothersome, but it’s all worth it, I love it!  In good intention, he put a nice big piece of Second Skin on it and it’s meant to be left on a new tattoo for 12-24 hours.  I took it off after 20 hours and ended up with a big rash where it had stuck to the surrounding skin.  I’ll know for next time though!

Friday night my dad and Janet were supposed to arrive but unfortunately they encountered a closure on the highway.  55 kilometers took them 2 hours and then they were turned around and had to go a long detour.  They chose to stop for the night and we didn’t see them until the next morning.  In keeping with our plan though, Ray and I went to the John B for dinner.  I had a Roasted Ahi & Grapefruit Salad with Thai Basil Clams & Mussells.  It was The Best Restaurant Salad I have ever had….and I have had quite a lot.  The tart-fresh of the salad with the grapefruit pieces and champagne dressing balanced the very salty earthy mussels and clams.  Really impressed!

Saturday we all got together in Chilliwack and spent some time helping my Grampa clean out his workshop.  It was very hard on him emotionally, maybe more than he could have predicted.  My dad took a lot of his tools and I think it made my Grampa feel a bit better that someone in our family would have his stuff rather than a discount store or a junk collector.

We left Chilliwack in the afternoon and came back to our house and spent a few hours sitting on the driveway drinking and snacking and chatting.  When it got too dark for out there we moved onto the back deck and lit our little campfire and had dinner and a few more drinks.  I went to bed with a spinning head and woke up with an aching one.  Totally fun though!

My 15 minutes are up now, I leave you with a picture of my dog wearing my dad’s shades (she L O V E D him, absolutely and completely fell in love with him) and my dad, goofing around in a store yesterday.

This weekend was set up long in advance and came wtih some baggage and some presumed stress.  It turned out very well, there was some uncomfortable moments but not where I thought they would be.  I got to have that unique time with my dad that only comes when someone is staying with you.  I also got to see him and Janet together and they seem very happy together.  I got to see and hear her taking very good care of him and that makes me very hapy.  As in my own life, we don’t all have to be best friends with each other but it’s certainly nice to be able to recognize a good partnership and be happy that he has someone.

Today I have a bank appointment, a lunch at 12:30 with an old co-worker and then a wax at 4:30.  Groceries and a walk in there somewhere!  Tomorrow is back to work and I have a coffee date with a friend in the evening.  Ray’s on graveyards (which I hate) so it’ll be quiet here on the home front this week.  We’re camping (infamous potluck, thanks for all the comments, I’ll be sure and update that one when it’s happened) this weekend as well.

Over Two Days

I started writing this yesterday and never got around to publishing it.  😉

Instead of secretly shaming myself, I had to give a chuckle this morning when my alarm went off at 6am and I realized that I “subconsciously” didn’t bother changing the setting on my alarm clock so I could wake up and go to the gym.  In hindsight I also didn’t review my weight lifting book so I knew where I was starting, I didn’t charge my Shuffle, I didn’t shave my legs and I didn’t put together my gym bag.  So, I chuckle because regardless of my “sincere desire” to go to the gym this morning, I didn’t do a single thing to actually make that happen.

I should have known better than to just assume that I would toss aside this lovely habit I’ve cultivated of hanging out in bed until 6am.  I should have known better that in the days leading up to my Return To Gym Date that I should have been prepping and thinking about it and talking myself up to it instead of picking a date an approximate time away and then pretending that all is well.  All I really did was make myself feel better in the short term by picking a date in the future and then giving myself license to just do whatever because I am going back to the gym, I am, I AM! 

My thought process has since been updated, gym-dates have been written down and the whole schedule printed out (this works very, VERY well for me) and I have pre-gym tasks on my to do list (update & charge shuffle, review lifting book…and turn Workout A & Workout B into A, B & C because I just don’t have enough time in the morning to do them as they are written, find my shoes, etc).

Our whole week got turned on its ear this morning when Ray went from a 10-6 shift back to afternoons effective today.  It’s absolute BS………..but it actually does work much better than 10-6 for us.  Primarily it works better for him because he actually ends up with a bit more time to actually accomplish things.  And it works out better for Grace….who stayed home by herself yesterday from 9 until 4….and entertained herself by pulling all of the tea towels and dishcloths out of the hamper, flipping her bed over and making a fort of sorts and then finding, opening, shredding, scattering and eating an entire box of Aveeno Oatmeal Bath packets.  I would have taken a picture of that enourmous mess however when I came up the stairs to find oatmeal powder and shredded packets spread down the hallway, I gasped out loud.  And Grace?  Cowered.  Entire butt tucked under, head down, complete fear.  It broke my heart.  I kneeled down beside the mess and quietly told her to come over to me.  She belly crawled up the hallway, not looking directly at me, and the look in her eye was “It’s OK, I know I was bad, you can hit me.”.  I had to swallow pretty hard not to cry into her fur while I was hugging her.  Some asshole used to abuse her and that makes me absolutely ill.  She was a complete baby all night, crawling into my lap every time I sat down.  She was bored (obviously) and found something to entertain herself.  Not that I condone rifling through bathroom cabinets and eating the contents, but obviously we need to do something to keep her entertained when we’re at work.  That “something” will probably be fur-bearing.  Although as Ray said, maybe they’ll be bored together and make an even bigger mess!  We’ll wait and see how Ray’s shifts start to work out as the fall wears on and then make a decision from there.

*******and now on to today!

Last night I went and met with my tattoo artist.  Man alive, artists are a funny bunch….and I say funny but I actually mean “annoying as shit, cocky, d-bag”, but “funny” sounded nicer.  Anyway, he’s an alright guy, just a different breed.  Does nice work though and we finalized the design for my next one.  Next Saturday I’m getting this on my left back, over the shoulder blade.  The bottom bit of the design is going to change a bit and there are more leaves and swirls added to the top but other than that it’s pretty much like this.  It’ll be all black & grey.

Since that was right after work I got home a bit later and found a few nice surprises (no doggie mischief today!).  The first one was this new faucet that is installed in our kitchen.  It is HUGE but I love it.  It’ll definitely take some getting used to though, having something like this is way different than just a regular faucet!

I also was the very thrilled recipient of a 3 foot tall purple orchid and the movie The Lorax.  The orchid is gorgeous and was an amazing surprise. The Lorax is what melted my heart though.  You see, Ray owed me a gift of flowers from a couple of months ago when I spent two weekends in a row with his ex wife and ex in laws.  The agreement is that I swallow my discomfort during these times and be gracious and welcoming and HE acknowledges how difficult that is and is grateful for it.  This time the “bribe” was flowers.  Which never materialized.  Obviously they since have materialized and they are gorgeous.  He never buys cut flowers either, always a plant.  Which is very cool considering I have a bit of a green thumb so I get to keep enjoying the flowers rather than chucking them in 7 days.  Anyway!  The flowers are gorgeous and definitely welcome.  But the movie killed me!  I mentioned The Lorax one time, about a month ago, that I wanted that movie at some point.  Any gift which shows forethought, listening/remembering and planning is worth SO much to me (and to most ladies, I suspect?). 

Today after work I’m making two dinners, Lime Parmesan Tilapia and Imam Bayildi in casserole form.  I’ve already done two loads of laundry today and if I make two dinners tonight, that should free me up for working on my Getting Back to the Gym Plan for tomorrow night after work.

Have a great day, only three more working days to The Long Weekend!