I went tanning last night…..and burned my ass.  But that’s not really the point of this post.

I’m sure you’ve gotten “scent memories” whether it’s the smell of blooming lilacs that remind you of your gramma’s house or salty air that reminds you of summer vacations or the smell of cut trees that reminds you of Christmas?  Usually they’re “here and gone”, fleeting, those memories.  Last night though I had one go on for a couple of hours.  It was both wonderful and unnerving.  I bought new tanning lotion a couple of weeks ago and only got around to using it last night.  And, last night the standup tanners were occupied so I went into a lay-down bed.

The combination of that particular lotion and the laydown bed caused me to be instantly brought back to the first time I ever went tanning, 7 years ago, when I first started to uncover my true self from under the armour of fat and depression that I was living in.  I remembered being the person who making efforts that deserved celebrating with something blissful.  I remembered being the person who was falling in love (real, proper love) for the first time ever and I remember being scared & excited about it.  I remembered laying in that tanning bed 7 years ago wondering what my life would look like, wondering if I had the drive and determination to push on and see it through.  I remembered how, every day and especially when I was tanning, I was starting to really love my body for what it was right then and for what it was turning into.

I was reminded that evening when I was laying in my own bed afterwards, how for me, going tanning is one of those markers of being in a good place.  It’s a sign of having energy to spare and love for myself and that I’m doing the right things; the things that most respect me and where I am right then.  Maybe I’m not in the perfect body (the one I strive for, not the one I could never achieve) and maybe I’m carrying some extra weight right now….but for me tanning is a sign of ongoing success.  I don’t go tanning when I feel awful about myself, when I’m full of shame or depression.  I don’t go when I’ve been laying on the couch eating crap. It’s only something I do when all my ducks are in line….and the fact that I’m going now makes me really joyful.  It means that I’m starting to be successful in breaking new ground and in letting go of past hurts & resentments.  I’m forging brave new pathways and looking upon the future with a clear heart and mind.   It means that I am gaining back the passion for myself, the desire to care for myself because I am worth caring about.  I have some of that excitement again, the one I last felt 7 years ago; excitement in the everyday and curiosity surrounding the future.

I rode my bicycle to work this morning, here on the first day of spring.  It was 0C (32F) this morning and holy CRAP was it cold!  I had a frost beard when I got to work (all the teeny little peach fuzz hairs on my face had acquired tiny bits of condensation on the uphill and then it froze on the downhill!) and two hours later I still have a chill and am wrapped in three hoodies all zipped together to make a pseudo blanket, LOL!  Maybe a teeeeensy bit too cold for morning commuting….but should be SO nice on the way home tonight!

I have plans to bicycle commute tomorrow as well (that’ll make it three days this week!)…although I might consider wearing full length pants/leggings for the ride down in the AM….and then I think I’ll visit the gym on Saturday morning for some rowing and a steam, I never did get to steam last weekend.  I’m actually considering investing in a rowing machine for at home.  I would dearly LOVE to get 20 minutes of rowing in Every Day but I have a really hard time going to the gym just for 20 minutes….and I don’t really have time during the week while bicycle commuting/recovering, to get there for longer.  It’s around $1200 and is the same one they have at my gym (Concept 2, Model D).  I’m waffling about it and going to sit on the idea for a while and just wait…..the right answer will present itself, it always does.  If you have a rower at home, do you like it?  Do you think it’s worth the money and does it get used?  We also have a full weights set downstairs (plates, dumbells, lat machine, squat rack, ez bar & Olympic bar, yoga ball, balance plate, etc.) that is currently unused and I’m seriously debating adding the rower to the mix, cancelling my rather expensive gym membership and cleaning up and making proper use of the space and equipment.  Again though….I’ll just sit on that idea for now and see what happens.

Anyway, I’m off to try and find more hoodies to string together to add to my insulation since the air conditioner just kicked in and it’s only 19C (66F) in here.

Happy First Day of Spring!  (is it springy in your neck of the woods?  Or still cold and crappy?)


Health Nut

Oh, thank heavens that it’s Friday today.  This week has seemed so long, I cannot believe that we only worked 4 days this week!  I’ve been just bagged every day after work, no motivation to cook or to study or to sit upright.  It’s been bad.  However.  I have cooked, studied AND stayed up until at least 8:30pm each night and I’ve gone to the gym three mornings this week.  Yay me.


Why do I tell you this?  Because Oh My God there are a lot of people in the world who completely give up as soon as they feel anything other than rose petals and kitten kisses.  Sad?  Don’t go to work…& for that matter if you’re sad, keep your kid home from school with you, too.  Tired?  You can skip school today.  A little anxious?  Don’t leave the house, you deserve to stay home.


I’ve often commented (in person and on this blog) that people need to stop their bitching, step up and join the rest of the world; that the world is hard for everyone. But I think I’ve been wrong.  I don’t think “the rest of the world” really is stepping up and working through pain or discomfort.  I’m beginning to think that the majority of people complain and quit….that we who power on and slog through and defy pain are actually a rarity.  The unfortunate thing with that is that if you’re not a quitter or a whiner, you probably have very little tolerance for those who are.


One of my co-workers keeps referring to me as a “health nut” and uses the air quotes when she says it.  She always follows it up with “I’m not trying to be ruuuuuuude, I think it’s greaaat.”.  At first I thought it was funny but as time goes on I’m just getting more and more annoyed by it because she’s making it sound like I’m some fringe wacko who’s eating her grass clippings and hanging upside down to sleep.  I guess I shouldn’t be too upset about it, after all this is coming from a woman who told me her breakfast yesterday was four cookies, a Cadbury bar, another giant cookie and then a half a banana and two cherry tomatoes because she’s…haha…on a “health kick”.  ?!


Apparantly I’m a “health nut” because I care what goes into my body, I read old and new science to better educate myself, I balance exercising my body with rest and couch time and overall, taking care of myself inside and out is up there on the priority list.  So……if I’m a health nut, what is the alternative?  I’ll be honest, I’ve been the alternative.  I’ve spent years wasting away while blimping up.  I’ve spent years hating myself, not because I was fat but because that fat was the visual reminder that I was disrespecting myself every moment of every day.  I’ve spent years ignoring myself; living in my body but pretending I wasn’t there.  I spent years consuming absolutely massive amounts of shit food to keep people away, to numb myself or to make myself feel better.  I’d buried my head so far into the sand that all that was left was my toes.  I lied and cheated and shamed myself.  I did things specifically to hurt myself so that I could feel something


You know what?  Forget it, I’m not annoyed anymore. If she wants to refer to me as a Health Nut, I’ll take it.  I will take it and celebrate it and cherish it.  I will take Health Nut to the gym at 4am and on Saturday mornings.  I will take Health Nut when I turn down treats and sweets and alcohol.  I will take Health Nut every day in every way because the alternative is terrifying and dark and tragically sad.