Whole 30, Week One Recap

Week One Recap
I’m keeping my daily Whole30 log on the “Whole 30 Logging” tab above…or just click here:  https://fittyvsfatty.wordpress.com/whole-logging/

1 week down, overall feeling: not as awesome as I had hoped to be. Having done 6 days of Whole30 compliance near the end of August as a trial run, and had started to feel awesome (energy, sleep, mood) I was hoping for the same when I took on the real deal. Unfortunately I’ve had headaches, nausea, shitty sleep, low energy, bloating and fluctuating moods. I refuse to get discouraged because it’s only been the first week and that was a week coming off of holidays and heading into my period. So maybe, all things considered, it was alright!

Hardest aspect: I guess the hardest part right now is trying to stay in the moment and trust the process rather than projecting myself ahead and then getting upset that the changes that I want to see haven’t occurred yet.

Easiest aspect: completely surprising to me, but not snacking between meals has been the easiest thing and something I was pretty worried about going into this. If I stick to a proper template meal and drink a reasonable amount of water I don’t get hungry until the next meal. That has been really nice! I’ve had a couple days where I’ve chose to have a “mini-meal” that still fit the Whole30 template (Day 2 because my lunch wasn’t big enough and Day 7 where I probably could have just had some tea or water instead).

Most surprising discovery: I have been shocked in the last 7 days to find out how many times, when not on Whole30, that I would have put food or drink in my mouth mindlessly. It’s been a real awakening just how often I was using food as something other than fuel or nourishment. Boredom and wanting to distract myself or change my mood are the two main ones. I really, truly did not think that I would learn anything new about my psychological relationship with food during this process….and I’ve learned a big one in the first 7 days!

Food Summary
Eggs – 20
Bone Broth – 5.5L
Water – 9.5L
Veggies – cabbage, green beans, cucumbers, bell peppers, cherry tomatoes, mixed greens, swiss chard, beets, potatoes, carrots, onions, yellow beans, zucchini, sweet potato, mushrooms, fennel
Fruit – 7 prune plums, 5 apples, ½ peach
Fat – black olives, green olives, lard, mayo, olive oil
Protein – ground turkey, ground pork, chicken thighs, sockeye salmon fresh, salmon canned, eggs, ground beef

Skin, Hair, Nails: nails are awesome, skin is normal (for me) and hair is also awesome!
Energy: as noted above, not the gangbusters I was hoping for….but not hooooorible, either.
Mood: I would say over the last 7 days that my mood has fluctuated between irritable and kind of quiet. I won’t use the words “depressed”, “blue” or “bummed” because I wasn’t. Just….quiet.
Green Time: 238 minutes over 7 days…an average of 34 minutes/day. It’s mostly felt really good and I will continue that as we go. Fortunately it was gorgeous weather and that is about to end….but it’s fresh air even when it’s raining, so I’ll give it my best shot. I’ve really listened to myself for this green time as well….on lower energy days we go for a stroll and when I’ve got lots of energy we burn up the trails! The only requirement is to be outside moving around for 30 minutes or more.
Sleep/Sleep Habits: I’m patiently waiting for solid uninterrupted sleep followed by bushy-tailed wakeup. Hasn’t happened yet but I’m hopeful!
Digestion/Headaches: Blergh, I’ve had a couple headaches and a couple digestive horror shows. Hopefully this is coming to a close though!

Other Thoughts: Because I knew that my period was coming, I chose to include starchy carbs (beets, potatoes, yams) at least one meal per day in the first week. This might be why I haven’t had any huge cravings even though it’s pre-Alien week. I am going to scale those carbs back a wee bit though because past history has told me that I feel better with less of the roots. I’ll keep watch on my mood and energy though and will not feel badly about adding them back if needed. Plus, I finally figured out how to BAKE crispy yam fries this weekend and they were deeeelicious….so I definitely forsee those in our future!

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Chicken?

Oh, Monday….be kind to me today!  I’m suffering quite a bit with my Alien this morning, I’ve had the dropsies all weekend and smashed my head against A) a cupboard door, B) an oven hood fan and C) a cutting board (don’t ask).  I’m cranky and feel quick to tears this morning.

None of this is helped by what Gracie did on the weekend.  Let’s just say that 4 pounds of frozen solid, bone in, skin on chicken thighs mysteriously went missing.  We discovered the culprit when she squeezed back in through the dog door with a huge frozen mass in her gut and her fur on so tight that it looked it was three sizes too small.  So….we were on dog watch duty all weekend while she fidgeted, cried, waddled and sweated through the digestion process.  Brutal.  And if you’re wondering, it’s not that the chicken was easily accessible, it was IN the kitchen sink.  Where it always goes.  I didn’t even think she was tall enough to get her head in there. I was obviously very wrong.  (she’s fine now)

Anyway, Friday afternoon I was very excited to finally receive delivery of my Great Lakes Gelatin!!!!!!  It really is completely flavourless and odourless and dissolves perfectly in cold water (I bought the hydrolyzed version).  I’ve been putting my tablespoon in my morning coffee….you’d never know it was there!  There were some cautions online about a bit of a detox process when you first start taking it but neither of us have noticed anything unusual.  The comments were “viscious headaches” and nausea and the runs.  No reaction from us…I guess we are already detoxified!

What else……my Century.  Last week I had been wondering if I should keep trying to achieve it……and I think I’m going to move forward with it.  It’s still achievable, if a little more difficult.  Tara suggested that I add on the amount of days that I was laid up for…..and I may do that if I have to….but I’m really going to try to get it within the original goal period so that I can happily go and buy myself a hot tea and turn myself over to someone else.  Really looking forward to that, so the final push is on.

I’m hoping that this coming weekend weather holds out because I really want to ride my bicycle down to work and back to gauge the time and route.  March should have at least a couple days a week in it that I should be able to cycle to work…..but only if I know how long it takes and how to get here!

Overall I think I’m feeling pretty content with life right now (stupid, boring job notwithstanding).  Of note, I’ve cut back on my fat intake substantially….once I started actually measuring I realized that I was going way over board and I’ve pulled the measuring spoons out again.  I know that the idea is that we’re just supposed to eat intuitively….but that does not work 100% for me.  They say that no one overeats pork chops and roasted Brussels Sprouts and I fully agree with that.  I definitely don’t measure out food in that aspect….but I can be known to drink my coffee with nearly the same volume of coconut milk as coffee.  Or eat an entire avocado in a day or a batch of homemade mayo in a week after I’ve just polished off a double batch of sunshine sauce.  I can be an egg-eating-machine and don’t even get me started on almond butter.  So I’m measuring for a while…..and yes, restricting my fat intake somewhat.  I’m also throwing out my “food-clock” and again, making a conscious effort to judge my hunger vs “it’s time to eat”.  I’m pretty happy with how I feel both mentally & physically after a week of having done all of this.

We had a major windstorm with super heavy rain last night so I’m curious to take Gracie through the park after work and see what the damage is in the forest.  And tomorrow is gym…..which I want to be excited about.  But I’m not really.  I still can’t go back to lifting and pullups and dips, my shoulder is still not 100%…..so I’m going to get some much needed Century mileage and then go from there.  I actually thought my shoulder was fine…until Sunday when I was in the backseat of my mom’s car and she had to slam the brakes to avoid getting us killed by a bus and my shoulder smoked the seatbelt pretty hard….so I was back with the ice yesterday and the Advil today.  Nothing serious though, just a bit tweaky.

Anyway, that’s it for me today.  I hope your Monday is treating you well…..I’ll be here, bored….with cramps….and fighting crushing cravings for lemon meringue pie and puffed wheat squares.  Seriously.  Shoot me.

Golden Egg

Wouldn’t it be great if you got your slate wiped clean every single day?  If, every day, you got to start again with a gold star or an A+ in your chart?  I don’t think this is an original idea by any stretch but it’s been on my mind lately.  As a person who is on a seemingly endless quest for balance, I feel like this “New Day” idea is going to factor greatly in to where I go this year and how I get there.  I feel, for the first time ever like what happened yesterday doesn’t matter. I think that this is one of those clichés that everyone “says” but that you have to grow into understanding and really believing.

What I did yesterday, last week or last year doesn’t count.  I drank too much over the holidays and previous to that, ate too many chocolate almonds when I was going through my work transition.  Doesn’t matter.  I used to be a weight-room regular and had the physique to prove it (*).  Doesn’t matter.  Good or bad, it really doesn’t matter.  You wake up in the morning and start wherever your actions dropped you at the end of the day before.  If you ate crap and drank too much then your starting point is behind bloat and guilt.  If you ate your veggies and went for a walk then your starting point is in the light of self-respect and self-love.

I keep reading these articles that say that as you get past your early 30’s, certain hormones slow down and this changes and that changes and the things your body did before don’t happen as easily now and it was starting to get kind of depressing….like, through whatever circumstances I experienced or perceived, I missed the window on ever getting “there”.

Since “there” doesn’t really exist and there is no official road map to navigate to “there” and I’ve already made the declaration that I cannot wage war on myself anymore, what’s a woman to do?

I’ve put some goals down on paper and shared them here but I kept trying to fill in a long term goal.  My pie in the sky, golden egg, mystical rainbow, dream destination.  I realized that I don’t have one.  I’m not going to run a marathon, I have no tropical vacation planned, I’m not getting married….I just have my regular life and I want to love living it.   So my desire is to wake up each morning in the light of self-respect and self-love.   I would like every morning to be the achievement of my long-term goal.  Did I live my life in the balance of health, happiness, activity, relaxation, reward and discipline?  If the answer is yes?  That’s my mystical-rainbow-dream-destination-golden-egg.  It’s immeasurable and never ending and I’ll never “get there”…but with the right decisions I can go there every day.

(*) I only realized by recently looking at a picture from almost two years ago that I was in pretty decent form!  Since I had no balance and nothing was ever good enough, I never even noticed the excellent shape that I was in and that’s a crying shame.

My Car Analogy

I didn’t have a cookie last night.  This is to say, I bought grain free cashew cookies (holy crap they were expensive) the other day and gave myself permission to have a cookie in the evening if I feel like it.  If you’ve ever read my blog in the past you would know how I feel about sugar.  One tiny taste and I’m catapulted down the rabbit hole and it takes weeks or months for me to pull myself together and clean up!  Needless to say I was a little tentative when I bought the cookies but I felt that the enjoyment of a small cookie from time to time would be working with my desire to find and maintain balance.  From a purely financial point of view I refuse to share these cookies with Ray and I wondered if that would trigger my instinct to guard food.  My point is that why would I give him a $1.25 2” cookie when he can and chooses to eat whatever cookies or Halloween candy we have around whenever he feels like it.  No, the $15 cookies are mine.  The first night I sat down with my coffee and had a cookie.   The next night I had another cookie with my coffee while watching television.  Last night I didn’t, last night I had an orange with my coffee and then went to bed.  I noticed last night that now that I’ve got these little cookies in the fridge and that I am permitting myself to have one (every night if I want), they aren’t controlling me.  I don’t dream about them all day long at work and I don’t sneak eat them before Ray gets home.

I wondered this morning, have I never tried this?  Have I never given myself permission to have a treat that fits into my life without destroying anything else that I have going?  Not cheesecake every night or a handful of chocolates….but a cookie with evening coffee?  Really?  I’ve never done this?  Have I never allowed “healthy”, “gym” and “fitness” to coexist with “treat” and “enjoyment”??  I don’t think I ever have.  If I was in “enjoyment” mode then I was eating inappropriate treats too frequently and not doing anything considerable for exercise.  If I was in “healthy/fitness” mode then every thought in my head and action in my life somehow was directed towards that.

Honestly?  How exhausting!  Like stomping on the gas pedal, right to the floor and lurching forward at rocket speed (hopefully without getting injured) and then slamming hard on the brakes to come to a complete standstill (hopefully without putting my head through the windshield) and then putting my foot to the floor again and expecting, no demanding, to be at maximum speed immediately.  STOP!   GO!  STOP!  GOOO!

Jesus Murphy, seriously, stop.  Just stop.

I went to the gym on Wednesday and then again this morning.  This morning was the first weights workout I’ve done since August.  I’ve lost muscle.  I’ve lost strength.  I’ve lost definition.  But, considering that I’ve found my balance and my sanity, I was able to remind myself that since there is no more STOP-GO-STOP-GO-STOP anymore, it doesn’t really matter.  It doesn’t matter if I lose 1 pound of my 15 every week.  It doesn’t matter if it takes me two months (or three or four) to get back to lifting the weight that I was at previously.  And during the time that I’ll be losing that weight and building that muscle I’ll also be eating a cookie and drinking red wine and lying in bed reading a book and putting my head in my dog’s warm, squishy neck and taking a nap.  So will it all be slower?  You bet.  Will my results be different?  Maybe.  Will it be more enjoyable, less anxiety driven, more liveable?  Hell yes.

I don’t really know how I did it before, how I would get myself all ramped up from nothing to everything over and over again.  I do know that time and again I would become extremely frustrated because it always felt like I was starting again, like I never got anywhere, like I never could get any further than where I could get. It’s funny now, that I couldn’t see the flaw then.  I would stomp on the gas for the same general duration and then hit the brakes.  Stay stopped for around the same length of time while doing the same sort of things each time.  And then stomp the gas again until I couldn’t anymore.  And, surprise, I could never get any further.  You’re shocked, right?  I was.  Often.   Eventually the speed at which I was moving and the duration that I could keep going for were dramatically reduced until eventually I just ran out of fuel.  I kept trying to stomp on the gas and nothing would happen.  No go.  Stalled.

Eventually, through much self-reflection and asking for help to a few different people, I’ve been able to put a new kind of fuel in the tank (peace, kindness, realism) and by gently feathering on the gas pedal I’ve gotten moving again.  Gently.  Slowly.  Quietly.

Tonight we’re going to our favourite pub for dinner with Ray’s kids and then they’re coming back to our house to decorate our tree…with some drinks in hand.  I thought about what I would eat at the pub.  The trap with “balance” is that it’s easy to forget that sometimes you have to take things away to keep the equilibrium.  I’ve been adding cookies and couch time to bring back my ability to have enjoyment while still being healthy….but in this case I need to take away some indulgence at dinner time.  So….I will have a salmon salad at the pub (it’s so good anyway!) because lunch today was shepherd’s pie which was a bit heavy and we’ll be drinking which is extra intake as well.  French fries and a bunless egg & chorizo burger would have been delicious….but this time it just doesn’t fit in.  It’ll be there the next time around and when I do have it I’ll know that it’s because it fits.  We’re doing our Christmas shopping this weekend and going to one of our favourite salad bars for lunch.  We’ll also finish the decorating and I’ll do some cooking….of what I’m not quite sure yet.

Happy weekend!

More Like Real Life

Hi There,

I’m at my little corner desk in Portland taking a quick lunch break and thought I’d throw a little update out.  Obviously the flight went fine (I hate to fly) and I was able to pick up my rental car with little issue, get the GPS going and drove myself to the plant.  All in all, not a bad morning (minus the 3am wake up call!). 

I’ve been drinking water like crazy since, however hard I try, I think I’m likely to take in extra sodium no matter what just by virtue of having to eat in a restaurant, no matter how upscale and lovely.  Eats today have included a bowl of zucchini, peppers & broccoli scrambled with some grated cauli (so much nicer than riced cauli) and topped with a Thai Ginger Salmon Burger patty that I bought this weekend when visiting my sister.  That and a juicy navel orange were for breakfast at 3:30am with some coffee.  The same scramble came on the plane with me and just got eaten cold with an apple here at the office. Absolutely delicious…..a bit lacking in fat but that’s alright….I’ll break out the almond butter jar at the hotel later! 

So, I’m out of the gate on this trip on a good note, really making an effort to live as close to my real life as I can over the next week.  The things that are important to me (good, clean food & exercise as well as the tail end of My Restriction) didn’t become any less important when I got onto an airplane this morning and I need to remember that. 

NO ONE gains if I eat chocolates all secretly in the hotel room.  Sure, no one would notice….but I would know and my body would know and I would really be doing myself, my strength and my self-value a disservice. 

Since I’ve been awake since 3am (well, most of the night, really), I’m leaving this office at 3:30 today and heading out towards my hotel, stopping at Safeway for some fruits and veggies and then checking into the hotel.  Monday isn’t normally a gym day for me anyway so I’m going to take it easy….have good dinner at the hotel restaurant tonight (seared ahi with green salad) and then unpack and early for bed.  I’ll be up and ready to go at 4:30am tomorrow in the gym at the hotel for a good hour long workout.  The hotel restaurant doesn’t open until 6:30 anyway so I’ve got some time to do things right.

My plan, once I found out I had to come here again, was to make sure that I stay in the same physical and emotional shape that I’ve been getting into at home (if not better shape)….and so far, here on the first day, I’m on the right track….and I feel pretty proud of myself for that!

Free & Easy Down The Road I Go (?)

So….back to Portland on Monday.  It’s a good thing I’m writing this post today and not yesterday because I was SO upset about it.  I was (and still am, a bit) feeling sorry for myself and was/am highly annoyed that the reason that I have to disrupt my life is because some flake in our Portland office can’t get her shit together and she’s about 2 months behind in setting things up to incorporate my division into hers.  So instead of telling her to pull it together (or else!), I have to fly down there and spend a full week or two doing her job.  Away from home, dog, hubby and comfort.  DISLIKE!

Plus, the last time that I went down there I felt so awful when I got back, it wasn’t even funny.  The food down there is shit, there are no likeminded health conscious folks in that facility and being away from home is hard emotionally….so if you’re an emotional eater………………well, you can guess how it went.

This time though, I’ve at least got an idea of how it’s going to go so I’m going down there extra prepared.  The hotel that I stayed at last time has an amazing restaurant with gorgeous food that, with some minor tweaks, is fully approved for breakfast and dinner.   It’s a bit pricey, but you know what?  They’re sending me away and I have dietary restrictions so it’s the best I can do.  Lunch and snacks are going to be a little more difficult, but I’m revising my carry-on baggage and going to include a soft sided cooler that will contain almond butter, hard boiled eggs, approved pepperoni and cooked chicken.  Then, before checking into the hotel I’ll pop into a Safeway and get some fruits and veggies and hopefully an approved salad dressing. 

The other part of my hesitation of going to Portland is the fact that I’m finally back in a good place with going to the gym regularly and I’d really rather not have that all effed up.  Bright side though is that the gym in the hotel is not bad (not awesome, but not bad).  I’m preparing myself mentally for going to the little gym each morning to ensure that I set myself up in the right frame of mind before the chaos of the day ensues. And then, because I’ll have nothing to do in the evenings after work, I thought a walk/jog in the hotel neighborhood might be just what is needed!

In the first 14 days of My Restriction (which is what I’ve taken to calling my 30 days Clean up/Dry out) I’ve lost 10”.  Not sure about weight since I don’t weigh, but 4” around my midsection, an inch in each thigh and calf and an inch in each my hips and my rear.  That’s a decent result for some hard slogging to get back to where I should be…..and I don’t want to chuck it all away because my idiot company is sending me away for a week.  So…..I’m going to take absolute stellar care of myself for that week away, even better than I do normally, so that I can come back in a week or two and not be further behind than when I left.  

That’s about it for me right now. I was all thrown off yesterday when I found out I would be going back to Portland next week, especially when they asked me to come tomorrow and stay over the weekend…not!  I’m feeling a bit better and more balanced now and I have a plan to work with.  It irritates me that I already HAVE a plan but that I now need to spend more time and money making my existing plan work within a new, unstable environment…….but……..I guess that’s how it goes. 

Eating in the way that I do, prioritizing exercise in the way that I should, valuing my home life as I do makes travelling at all very difficult for me, travelling for work is next to pulling teeth!

Cleaning Up, Drying Out

All the things that I/we have been doing to gain some comfort in a time of insane upheaval, uncertainty, stress, fragility?  Ya, those aren’t working anymore.  Sure, sitting on the rocking bench outside in the sunshine with a cold beverage and some potato chips worked for awhile.  Chocolate worked for awhile.  Stronger drinks worked pretty well for awhile, too. 

The thing is though, it’s been almost three months, from mid-May to where we are now.  And nothing’s changed.  Well….some things have changed, but certainly not for the better.  So all the lazy comfort-y things quit working, what do I do now?

Clean Up and Dry Out!  I quit drinking alcohol on Sunday night and mean to stay stopped until September 6^th (that’ll be 31 days), whereby it’ll be a once/week thing instead of every day.  I closed the mouth-gate on anything that isn’t veggies, meat, fruit, fat, coffee or water until September 6^th after which it will become “treats” again, not the norm.

I’ve been looking for some ease within my hard-to-live life lately.  Lazy, easy, effortless.  It hasn’t worked at all and in fact it’s had the opposite effect.  I came to the conclusion on our week-long holiday that it never would work, either.  If you can’t get yourself some sort of comfort sitting in warm sunshine and trying to drown your anxiety in a lot of vodka and potato chips there, away from your regular life, it’s certainly not going to work here in the midst of the crazy!

I was worried, that once I realized that it wasn’t working, that I would become resigned to feeling like crap and being depressed and listless and stressed and unhappy, that there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  But what actually happened, when I picked a date and time to change directions, is that I feel empowered.  Somehow it’s stopped the spinning wildly, out-of-control, messed up head feelings.  I feel like maaaaybe I have a plan again, like I miiiight be able to find my mid-ground again before too long.  In a daily grind of uncertainty and stress, it feels good to have set up some boundaries and guidelines for myself.  Structure. 

I’m not so ridiculous as to think that it’s all simplicity going forward…..coming down off of sugar, chips, vodka (then rinse and repeat as needed) is awful.  Considering that I found this new need for structure/plan during Alien Week, it’s possibly even worse.  Being reminded by my very hungry tummy, just how quickly real food is burned as fuel is uncomfortable.  Knowing that I Have To Find A Way to get to the gym in the mornings makes me feel icky inside…..who wants to go back after an absence this long?!  But, that powerless feeling of wishing for something but doing nothing to actually get it is gone. 

It’s absurd to me now, having a bit of clarity, that I would throw down everything that I’ve worked and sweated and cried and fought for…….it seems absolutely crazy to allow my personal self to implode in the catastrophic way that was coming.

I’d love to end this post and say “I’m good now, I’m back and solid and completely in control.”.  That would be cocky and arrogant and completely untrue.  What I am is at least standing back on the right road with a road map and a plan and a destination in mind.

Educational Weekend

I had the opportunity to learn some things over the weekend and I thought I would share them with you.  Some are profound and some are definitely not.

 

• Everyone is not where you are.  I believe so strongly in the philosophy surrounding food that I adhere to and I wish that everyone could experience the positive changes that can come from it.  Unfortunately I sometimes can forget that 6 years ago when I was nearing 300lbs, if someone would have said to me that I had to do a Whole30 or even just give up grains I would’ve failed immediately.   It is definitely a skill that I need to work more on; approaching people where they are. 

 

• Drinking a mug of hot water with lemon is a beautiful way to start the day and can give your liver a bit of a cleanse.  It’s also fresh, healthy and simple.

 

• My hubby is caring and kind and loving and while I definitely knew all of that, I learned that if I actually just step out of the way a bit it gives him the room to demonstrate that in his own way.  That feels amazing!

 

• I eat too much.  Yes, I learned that this weekend.  The majority of what I eat is healthy, whole, unprocessed food but I eat way too much of it.  I’ve stopped paying attention to my body’s full signal and just overridden it with an internal dialogue that tells me that since what I’m eating is healthy, I can (and should) have as much as I want.  That is decidedly untrue and while I won’t count calories or macronutrients, I am going to dial it back for the next couple weeks and see where I should be.

 

• I know without a doubt where my passions are, what I’m interested in and what I’m willing to spend my time and money and effort on. 

 

• Going back to my first point, there are so many “right ways” to be healthy.  While I personally choose one particular way and I believe in the science behind that way, there is no value in discounting what someone else might choose (caveat, I’m never going to agree to a grapefruit diet or the cookie and ice cream diet, I’m talking about legitimately healthy endeavours).

 

• I am wrong a lot of the time.  There are aspects in my life where I’ve taken a hard line approach and will not entertain the notion of anything else.  The reality is, that reality is skewed.  And it changes.  Certain opinions I have, that I believe are based in fact, are in fact based only on my interpretation of the information.  And in some cases, complete misinterpretation!  There is an incredible amount of value in standing behind what you believe while also staying open to new info, new ideas and embracing the chance that you’re just plain wrong.

 

• There is a lot that I know, about myself, nutrition, fitness, weight loss, vitamins and general health.  There is an unbelievably vast world of information that I haven’t even scratched the surface of.  

 

• It is hard to get up in the morning and go somewhere and do something that does nothing to spark my passion and energy.  For that very reason it is important to cultivate that passion and energy every day, as often and for as long as possible to keep the spark alive!  We can get dragged down into the mire of daily life and forget that our daily jobs/chores/errands are just a means to an end. 

 

Happy sunny Monday!

Nostalgia & Deprivation

The two are completely related for me right now!  Driving home yesterday I was overcome with nostalgia and all I could think about was the “good old days” when my mom, my sister and I lived up north and would go to McDonald’s for egg nog milkshakes during December.  The memory is obviously a bit warped, my mom was a single parent struggling to work full time, go to school and run the house.  My sister and I would fight endlessly all year long and then have a month long cease-fire in December.  It seems like “good old days” in my head when driving in the dark and rain on my way home from my responsible job to my responsible relationship where I care for our house/nutrition/happiness in a responsible fashion. Nothing so fun as egg nog milkshakes while living up north!  LOL!

So yesterday afternoon we also found out that Ray is working nights for what will ultimately have been 5 weeks in a row.  Which sucks quite a bit and does nothing for making either of us feel festive or content.  So we created our own new until-the-end-of-December tradition.  Short caesars when I get home from work.  We’ve done it a couple evenings in a row and it sure sets us up for a nice evening until he has to go to work.  It got me to thinking about how, down the road, I’ll chalk post-work-caeasars up in my head as “good old days” when in fact it’s just something that we’re doing in a crummy situation to put a nicer spin on it.

Anyway, after the eggnog milkshake set up camp in my head, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  After dinner last night we went out for some quick Cmas shopping and on the way home drove past…..McDonald’s.  I immediately told Ray about my eggnog reminiscing and we pulled in.  Unfortunately the eggnog milkshake is long gone and has been replaced with a Ginger Frost milkshake.  Tastes like liquidy gingerbread and was almost too sweet to drink. Happily, although the flavor was completely different than what I was wishing for, it had the same chemical-fake taste that the one in my childhood had, so I was happy.  Haha

I was telling my friend yesterday that since I went on Weight Watchers in September 2007 up until I went grain free and then the year that I’ve been grain free until now, I have never, EVER felt like I was deprived.  Granted, I’ve eaten some questionable things over the last 52 months, but I’ve never felt like I was missing out overall.  The sugar embargo that I’ve got myself on is making me feel horrible.  This is the first year we’ve done Christmas properly, it’s the first year at our house, the first year in many that any of our families are doing a gift exchange.  In all, this is a very Christmassy Christmas overall and to not be able to have even the snippet of a treat or festive sweet is actually altering my enjoyment of the holiday.  And so, there was a ginger milkshake last night.  And it was nice!  I only had about half of it because it became sickeningly sweet, but it was a festive treat and yes, it improved my festive mood, did a nice thing for our relationship to enjoy a treat together and made us both feel good.  I realized that sugar free is great, it makes me feel better and look better and perform better……but there is no value to any of that if I feel ripped off all the time.  Moderation really is the key!  So I killed my deprivation last night in a calculated maneuver that actually meant something.  Not sneaking chocolate in the dark, but doing something fun and delicious.

We’re headed to Costco after work tonight, tomorrow is more errands for the holidays and a dinner date just the two of us (Ray’s mom is busy, YAY!) and then Saturday we’re having our wrapping party which we’re both really looking forward to!

Happy Holidays.  I’ll leave you with some nostalgia….pics of some ornaments on my tree, one of which I’ve had since I was born.

Richard Petty and a glittery shoe share the same tree…much the same as Ray and I share the same house. A contradiction, for sure!

I’ve had this ornament since I was born!

Camping Weekend

 Holy Moly!  It’s been a week since I’ve posted, that’s not normal!  Last week went by so fast that it was over and done with before I knew it and here we are already at Tuesday!

The most major thing that has happened since my last post is the infamous “potluck” camping trip.  You may think that I am exaggerating some portions of this recount….however I assure you, these people are inconsiderate and very rude to me.  SO much that Ray started getting his ire up and started shielding me by answering first or talking over them.  If you know Ray, you understand how out of the ordinary

  that is.

Friday I left work and spent TWO HOURS driving to the campsite.  Ray was there with Grace already and the first couple was also there.  Upon arrival I was starving, had to pee and was still dressed up in high heels and a short shirt-dress, sweating and exhausted.  I found our campsite, pulled in and parked

  my car.  I no sooner had the car door closed when my sweet Grace was on me with kisses and butt wiggles.  I had time to give her one kiss on the head and the woman in the first couple started snarking at me  “Your dog has food aggression and who knows what other issues.”.  I was so, SO offended.  We’ve had her for less than three months.  This other couple has a small yappy dog as well.  And this stupid woman, her and her dog being strangers to mine, chose to feed them treats at the same time….and Grace decided she wanted all the treats.  The woman kept on about how she was going to “figure out and work on Grace’s issues over the weekend” until I eventually hauled Grace and Ray into our motorhome and closed the door.  So….super start.

After I got changed I took Grace and went out to the group area and sat down and a little bit sort of apologized, indicating that no one likes to hear bad things about their baby, especially after having been in hot traffic for over two hours.  And so, everyone was happy again.  Temporarily.

 Couple Two arrived and we all had a couple drinks and then set out for the pub for dinner (a short walk away).  The pub was horrible, the food was disgusting and the service was atrocious.  Before we figured that out though, the waitress came and took our drink and menu orders. I was at the end and ordered last, softly asking the waitress to check a certain item to confirm that there was no wheat in it. She walked away to check and the lady from Couple Two loudly questioned what was going on.  Ray told her that the waitress was just checking something and again, she loudly questioned what.  At that time the waitress came back and shot down the ONE THING I might’ve been able to order.  I ended up ordering a shrimp cocktail with no cocktail sauce and a Caesar salad with no croutons.  Mrs Couple Two actually scoffed at me, told me not to take myself so seriously and then physically turned her back on me and blocked me from the other two people sitting on that side of the table.  We then sat at the table with empty drinks and no food for an HOUR.  When the food finally arrived I ate three limp prawns and a bite of a plate of mayonnaise masquerading as Caesar salad.  Disgusting.

I still made efforts to talk to people and there were a couple good

  conversations but I chose to go to bed when I was tired rather than push through tired and keep drinking around the campfire.  I was in bed at 9. 

Saturday morning we all had breakfast and coffee at our own campsites which was nice and then Couple One came and “collected” us for a group walk.  We thought we were actually going for a morning walk so we brought our dog.  In reality they wanted to go shopping in the little town so Ray and I stood on the sidewalk for an hour and a half while they went into Every Goddamn Store.  When we did break away from them for a m

 inute to go to the drugstore to buy sunscreen I had a text immediately asking where we were.  *sigh*

Upon arriving back at the campsite I took my towel and book and sunscreen and headed to the beach for some suntime.  It was gorgeous and hot and peaceful and the highlight of the weekend.  Ray came to get me after a couple hours.  They’d all sat around chatting and catching up (which I thought would be great for them since I got bored of talking about motorhomes and health issues in the first 5 minutes) while I was beaching.  Unfortunately my innocent little excursion was highly offensive to Mrs Couple Two who mused out loud about how when people get together for a weekend that she just assumed that they’ll spend that time catching up, not gallivanting around to suite their own fancy.  I was gone less than 2 hours.  *shakes head*

 After my little beach jaunt we sat around having drinks and snacks (none of which I could eat, but that’s alright) which prompted a discussion of how healthy rice is for you, how “they” say that whole grains are good for you so they must be and how broccoli & green beans are worse for your intestines than white flour.  Couple Two started espousing the value of soy and I had to bite my tongue.  Mr Couple Two then made a comment that “there’s a “pro camp” and a “con camp” to every food” which I agreed to and then asked if that was the case then why is it that what they believe to be true is valid and what I believe to be true is a load of shit and how come what I believe deserves to come under their scrutiny when I don’t ever comment on what they consume.

And that was the last I heard from them about anything food related for the rest of the weekend.

 It was a weekend that I do not care to repeat again anytime soon.  Unfortunately the overall bad feelings about the weekend was also impacted by my getting an extremely painful illness on Saturday morning that hasn’t gone away yet and actually caused me to miss a day of work yesterday.

On the bright side, there were a few magical moments of non-suckitude and I took pictures to prove it!

 

A sunny, sandy slice of paradise, hot enough out on Saturday afternoon that I laid there in my bikini & sweated for two hours!

Biggest marshmallow I’ve ever seen! And yes, I realize that mallows are made of corn starch and corn syrup….give a girl a break! 😉

These were the weirdest sparks, they were long and slow and loud!

I bought local pattypan squash at the farm market on Saturday and stuffed them with bacon & spinach on Sunday. They were so tasty and the salty bacon with the earthy-fresh squash was lovely!