I’m going to whine and complain in this post.  Consider yourself warned.

Normally I get home from work every day at about 4:20, give or take a few minutes.  Yesterday I had to stop at the grocery store on my way home and since I was on my motorcycle it took a little longer to get in, grab some veggies, pack them into the bike and get home.  I got home about 5:10.  Before even changing my clothes I started on getting dinner going and making lunches.  At 6:20, we sat down to eat.  At 6:45 we cleaned up and I left the house to take the dog for her walk.  Arriving home at 7:45, I threw a pan of muffins into the oven (I’d made the batter while making dinner) and went outside to water the gardens.  And then?  It’s bedtime.   So how much “spare time” did I have last night?  I guess I had the 20 minutes of garden watering and on a technicality, the hour that I walked the dog (although this isn’t optional so much as a required chore). 

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET ANYTHING DONE WHEN I HAVE EXACTLY 20 MINUTES EVERY NIGHT TO DO IT?!?!  As I was going to bed in order to be up for 4am gym I praised baby Jesus that we don’t have small (or any) children that also need looking after, play, cuddles etc.  Are you kidding me?!

Yesterday I found the link to a very, VERY long article about women, hormones, carbs and stress.  I’m not kidding, it’s 21 pages printed.  It’s long.  And worth every minute that you spend reading it.   Go, read it!  Print it to read later!

It explains so much (and very logically) about how we need time to rest and recover and if you’re living a stressful life (haha, who isn’t?!) that if you want to add another stressor like nutritional deprivation when slashing carbs or calories for weight loss or intense workouts, that you have to either remove another stressor or actively chase rest and recovery. 

My question is, if I am supposed to either remove stress (major labour dispute leading into financial worries…can’t really “remove” that) or actively chase rest and recovery, how am I supposed to do that with 20 minutes a night?! 

I suppose the flip side of this whole whiney, bitching post is that I am very fortunate to have been able to fill my life and time with things that mean something to me.  I spend at least an hour making dinner and lunches every night because the quality and kind of food that we eat is highly valuable to me.  I go to bed at 8:30 every night because going to the gym in the morning is important to me.  I spend an hour walking my dog each evening because I love her and chose to get her and care for her.  Does it bother me that I don’t have more free time?  HIGHLY.  I don’t know what to do about that though because none of the things that currently fill my time are things that I would be willing to do without.  SUGGESTIONS?

I was/am looking forward to next week when all I have to take care of is myself and Grace because Ray will be out of town for 7 days. (And completely out of communication as well which makes me slightly anxious….but I’m trying to ride the “excited that I get a bunch of time to myself” train instead of hopping off that one and getting onto the “paralyzed with anxiety and fear” train.  No one likes that train, it never goes anywhere good!)  Anyway, I had this great feeling like I would be able to get so much done while he’s gone because I don’t have to worry about making anything for dinner besides eggs or a smoothie, 15 minutes, tops!  What I actually see happening is being so exhausted from my regular life that I’m going to spend all the time that he’s gone reading my book and going to bed at 8pm.  LOL!

There was really no point to this post, to be quite honest.  I’m irritated that the rest of my garden isn’t weeded yet, I have plants that HAVE to be transplanted and potted or they’re going to die, seeds have to go in soon or they’ll be too late to harvest this year.  And I have no extra time or energy to do it in.   I’m irritated that our house is a mess and that traffic is the shits lately and that Ray is sick.  I’m overall just really irritated.  And I have no time during the week to sip a glass of wine and put my feet up.  Yep.  Irritated.


What Makes A Bitch?

Rightfully or not, I’ve been feeling under attack lately.  Maybe it’s my own paranoia and too much self involved thinking that makes me believe that people spend more time thinking about and disliking me than they actually do.  But….I was attacked last week by a co-worker for an ‘infraction’ that definitely didn’t constitute her insane overreaction.  After a very short (and I mean short both in length and tone) conversation with her about borrowing her key to a manager’s office, she came back into my department, towered over me and started yelling at me that I was a child, that I had no ability to communicate, that any discomfort that I might have felt over the initial conversation was my problem.  She was vibrating she was so mad and the conversation ended with her repeatedly pointing her finger into my face.  Afterwards, I could not stop crying.  Seriously…I wanted to….but couldn’t.  I’m a strong enough person though, I put it behind me.  But over the last few days, different instances have come up where, it has occurred to me that perhaps I really am the bitch that people seem to think that I am.  I’m not overly upset about it though.
You see, “bitch” is a word that I actually do accept about myself….because I think that the majority of people that you encounter in your daily life are intimidated, scared of, confused by and not accepting of people who are in charge of their lives.  They don’t know what to do with people who take the hard road.  They don’t know how to interact with people who refuse to lay down….either to other people or to themselves.  And I think that that sort of fear and discomfort doesn’t easily fit in to most people’s emotional matrix and so they have to put you into a spot that they understand; “Bitch!”.
So what about me makes people so uncomfortable that I can’t seem to just have an easy relationship with people I come across?  Let’s see;
First, I don’t care to have any relationship with the majority of people.  Not the sort that society demands that you have.  I don’t do fake and I don’t pretend to care.  That tends not to be the social norm though.  It makes me appear standoffish and rude.  I’m not.  I just don’t think a business interaction requires me to know what your neighbor’s best friend’s kid dressed up as for Halloween and then pretend to care. 
Second, I believe my time and my money are valuable and I can be very free with them.  Because of that, I don’t accept shit.  Not in products or service.   I’m not averse to politely pointing out where my expectations have not been met when it is my hard earned money or valuable time that is taking the hit and then expecting that the error be corrected.  And if that doesn’t work, I am also not averse to notching it up. 
Third, I don’t do things I don’t want to do.  For the most part.  Obviously in my relationship and my life there are things that I do that I don’t super love but that need to be done.  But invite me to drive 45 minutes on a weeknight in the dark and rain to go for coffee?  No thanks.  Go eat at a restaurant that I don’t enjoy just because it’s the polite thing to do?  No thanks….see point 2 above regarding money and time. 
Fourth, I don’t believe that I should feel any great discomfort for something just so that someone else doesn’t have to.  Everyone has sucky days and bad traffic and money troubles, we all do.  I take mine in stride and I believe that everyone else should deal with their own shit.  In whatever way that they need to but I don’t think that I should have to take on anyone else’s burden unless it’s something that I want to do.  By this I mean, why should I suffer so you don’t have to?
And finally, I have assigned importance in my life to things that are hard.  I may struggle and groan about it and some days it doesn’t always work out.  I think that people who inately take the easy road find the people who take the hard road distasteful.  
So, in order to be someone who ‘fits in’ with everyone, I would simply have to be fake in my reactions to people so that they believe that I deeply care what colour they painted their walls before they’ll provide me with a document I need.  I would also need to accept mediocre products and services with a smile, go to every event that I’m invited to whether I want to or not, go out of my way to make sure that everyone else that I come into contact with has the easiest journey possible regardless of whether that impacts my enjoyment of my own life.  And finally I would have to give up.  On everything that is difficult or uncomfortable. 
So….super.  I think I’d rather be a bitch.