One Hour, One Bottle

Of wine. One hour of talking and one bottle of wine and some apparant understanding between Ray and I as it relates to his ex wife. So why, this morning, do I feel completely defeated, like I sold out on my values and morals and am now a doormat. Maybe it’s what my sister said in the comments yesterday, because I don’t want to let anyone else win? My version of winning has her vaporizing in a puff of black smoke, never to darken our door or set my teeth on edge again. Obviously that’s not the sort of winning that I can have. Obviously. So why then, do I feel like I lost? I didn’t lose….I made the best of a bad situation. Right?

Our conversation last night went amazingly well, we were both calm, no one cried, we were honest with each other and both of us discussed how we feel about certain situations. We also discussed that this new understanding applies only to UNAVOIDABLE CIRCUMSTANCES….birthdays, funerals, weddings. It does not give her carte blanche to come over whenever she likes, for Ray to invite her in for coffee without privately consulting me first. I still want her to stop calling our house all the time, I want her to STOP calling our house only when she knows I’m not going to be home (and the same for coming over). Ray figures that she’s just trying to avoid me….I said that everytime she does that, those shards of glass that I have to swallow get sharper and then, so does my mood/attitude. He says I probably make her uncomfortable….I said “Good.” and if she needs to come over/make contact then she has to do it when I’m there, discomfort for her or not.

Ray had to call his daughter last night also….since the way that things were handled when Ray called Judy the night before and asked her not to come did not sit well with Andrea….and she has the potential to cause a lot of problems for us if she decides that’s the way she wants to go. When Ray called her last night her biggest issue was that she didn’t understand why everything seemed perfectly fine at the wedding and that now it’s not. Ray had to explain to her that the ‘perfectly fine’ at the wedding was an enormous amount of work and caused great issue in our relationship and that certain things afterward were not taken care of like they should have been and that’s part of what is going on now. I’m impressed with him because he took it all on himself when he was smoothing things over with her. Ray will also be calling his ex wife this weekend and getting together for coffee with her (at my request) and resetting the new boundaries for going forward. He said that in fairness to her, before me, he always encouraged her to come over, see the dog, see the kids etc. He never refused her if she brought cooking or baking over. And when I showed up, we dated for awhile before I moved in and to her there was no difference. Now there’s a big difference and she hasn’t made the shift. So, in the interest of goodwill and calmness in our universe, I asked him to go for coffee with her and explain that the request for her not to come to dinner the other night may have been handled poorly (it wasn’t, but we have dealt with that in our own relationship) and that yes, we can all be in the same room together for birthdays and funerals and weddings. He’s also going to explain though that while that’s all very nice and well, she shouldn’t be calling the house (especially when she knows I’m not home), she should never be calling the house after 8pm at night, she shouldn’t be dropping by unannounced etc. Yes, we can all be in the same room together but we’re not all best buddies, some of this is new boundaries that are going to have to be respected.

Anyway, after our conversation last night, we made and ate dinner and then Ray offered to take me on my favourite date…Chapters. I love going to Chapters at night and wandering around the store, letting my mind and hands drift and dust jackets, reading snippets and browsing magazines. We separate at the front door and then wind our way back to each other and for whatever reason it’s one of my favorite things to do together. I bought two new books last night. I haven’t been excited about my reading list lately and now I want to tear through the book I’m on to get going on the new ones!

Tomorrow is a day off here in British Columbia, it’s Remembrance Day (the day we remember our veterans and what they did for us…at 11:11am on 11/11/11). We will take a moment of silence at that time and be grateful for all of our freedoms and luxuries and remember how blessed we are. We’re going on a little road trip tomorrow, we’re taking a drive to a town that is about 4 hours away so that we can buy the best, most delicious peach pie and the gooiest most sugary cinnamon bun in the whole world. And then we’re driving 4 hours back home. Saturday I have spinning (which I have to go to, especially since I skipped spinning last night in favour of doing a little relationship housekeeping) and then the AGM for our motorcycle group. Sunday I think we might go for a picnic if the weather is nice.

Tonight I am SUPPOSED to be getting my hair cut….yep, missed last week due to horrific traffic accident. This hair cut is now 3 weeks late and I can almost audition for the role of sheepdog in the next big movie! And then I’m treating myself to sushi for dinner (Ray is dining with his mom tonight).

Love List ~ November 10, 2011
Sushi (I’m anticipating loving this one!)
Understanding among partners
Freedom to do, wear, say and vote however I choose


I’m At A Loss

Last night was my boyfriend’s son’s birthday and because he works during the day and in a city about a 1/2 hour away from where we all live, we decided to do a late pub night dinner.  Ray and I discussed at length beforehand that we needed to ensure that this was a birthday get together that was not meant to include either his ex wife or his ex wife’s family.  It’s past time to cut those ties…for our relationship and for Ray’s relationship with his kids.  The night before, Ray did a good thing and he called his ex wife and confirmed with her that he would appreciate that she not come to the pub night dinner, this was a family thing for us.  She said fine.
20 minutes before we were set to leave to pick up Ray’s mom and go to the pub, she texted and said she’d changed her mind, she was coming anyway.  Obviously I was so upset about this….it pretty much means that I’m screwed from here to the end of time.  If she cannot respect being specifically asked not to show up to something and she shows up anyway, there’s nothing left that I can do.  Ray did what I asked him to do, he informed her of our feelings on the matter and asked her to make other arrangements.  She chose to disregard that and claim her ‘right’ to come to whatever she wants that involves her ‘children’.  (Kyle turned 31 yesterday).  I really have no idea what to do at this point.  I’m at a complete and frustrated loss.  Suggestions?
In food news, last night’s pub dinner (at 8:30 at night!) wasn’t completely off the rails for me.  Everyone had either delicious, greasy, juicy looking cheesy hamburgers and fries or clam & salmon chowder or deep fried prawns….and I didn’t.  I just couldn’t see not feeling like utter garbage the next morning if I’d eaten something like that as late at night as it was.  I didn’t even take the calories into consideration, it was really just a ‘how is that going to make me feel’ sort of decision.  So I had a chicken wrap….grilled chicken, lettuce, tomato and pesto mayo wrapped in a tortilla….and I had a garden salad with it that was disgusting and didn’t get eaten.  I probably could have stopped at half the wrap for as late at night as it was, but I had the whole thing….plus 2 glasses of red wine and half of Ray’s Granville Island Winter Ale (so good!).  Overall foodwise I feel pretty good about it, I don’t feel like garbage this morning so that’s good…..I did sleep through my alarm this morning though…I think the combo of wine/beer, a few days of heavy exercise and emotional upset last night all came together and I slept like the dead.
I’m meant to go spinning tonight at 7:15.  After tonight there’s no exercise until Saturday morning so there’s really no reason I can’t go and blast it and then have a couple of days rest.   Plus I would really like to go tanning……tanning is at the gym and spinning is at the gym, problem solved, right?!
Love List ~ November 9, 2011
This morning I am grateful for:
cozy sweater dresses
the numbing properties of wine
deep conditioned, soft and shiny hair

How Much Does Guilt Weigh?

Morning! It’s Sunday morning and through no planning on my part, this weekend has turned into one of rest…and guilt.  You see, Friday night I set my alarm for 7am, packed my gym bag and didn’t drink my face off during our little picnic (more on that below).  Saturday morning when my alarm went off I hit the snooze button for 10 minutes and drifted back to sleep….and woke up to Ray jabbing me at 8:15….and not in enough time to make it to the spinning class.  I was fairly disappointed but told myself that it was fine and that not going to one spinning class is not the end of the world.  In fine, hard on yourself fashion though, I have harangued myself, guilted and twisted about sleeping through spinning.  I can’t seem to stop thinking about it and it’s making me nuts. It was one class where I burn 700 calories, not the end of the world.  What I was most upset about was how that Saturday morning class sets me up for the rest of the weekend.  Spinning and a lovely hot shower, coming home and feeling vibrant and refreshed and ready to go for the rest of the weekend and I was so bummed that I missed out on that.  In my case, in answer to the question above, guilt happens to weigh 1.4 pounds…..which probably has more to do with sushi and wine and wine and an order of french fries, lack of water and wine……

After the spinning mishap I got ready and Ray and I went down to a favourite coffee shop which happens to be in the same complex as my hairdresser.  We went down to the coffee shop for a cup and a pastry and then Ray was going to read his book while I got my hair cut.  I walked into the hairdresser to be informed that my hairdresser’s been sick for a week but don’t worry, someone else is going to cut your hair.  Ya, um, No.  Seriously?  Would that be alright with you guys?  If you went to your hairdresser and instead of getting your hairdresser ‘someone else’ was going to squeeze you into their schedule?  I couldn’t believe that they were surprised that wouldn’t be alright.  Recipe for a crappy hair cut, being wedged into someone else’s full schedule who doesn’t know you and has no loyalty to you as a customer.  So, rescheduled to next week and a big frigging waste of time!  What really ticked me off was that I could have gone to 10:30 am spinning if the twits at the hair salon had called me and told me that my hairdresser was sick.  As it was, no spinning and no haircut.

The rest of the weekend I will give you in pictures, we’ve had a fairly nice time (spinning class guilt notwithstanding).  Friday when I got home, Ray had followed several ‘hints’ that I dropped regarding purchasing flowers for me.  I was flipping thrilled to pull into the driveway and see a beautiful pink flowering begonia sitting in our front entrance.  I was even more thrilled to come into the house and see a fire in the fireplace and a little nest built in front of it where we spent a lovely couple of hours listening to music and drinking wine and talking to each other undistracted.  Our previous week was difficult to say the least and a potted plant and a 2 hour chat doesn’t erase it, but Ray’s effort to make an effort at woo-ing me back to feeling better was very appreciated!

Anyway, the rest is in pictures.  There’s my flowers in the entrance, me with my flowers, Ray and I (no, he’s not stoned), me with wine, our little Friday picnic area and my cozy sofa view this morning.

A Pumpkin Night

A quick post to show you some very cute pumpkins that were handcrafted by my friend and I.  I would also have had a picture to show you of the sushi that we got however I was too excited and got right into eating it….and then catastrophe struck when my little take out container slid right off my lap and onto the floor.  I suppose fate saved me from stuffing myself full of sushi since eating it off the dog-furred rug is slightly beneath me.  It was especially upsetting since it happened exactly as I was thinking to myself “Gee, I sure am glad I go spinning often so that I can eat all of this and not feel guilty.”  I guess the world decided I shouldn’t actually eat ALL of it and portion controlled my dinner via floor-smash.  Oh well.  The part I got to eat was deeeelicious!

We also had lots of wine and watched a silly girly movie and drank bubble tea…..which…..I am not a fan of.  Really.  No.  Just……no.

I’ve got a love list below….but I also have a love, not so much love item.  Earlier this week Ray and I suffered a bit of a blow to our relationship…..we’ll heal and move on but it’s taking me a little longer to get back to feeling alright.  So yesterday when I talked to him on the phone I asked him to please kiss me when he came to bed last night.  He always says he will and he never does.  He says he figures I’m sleeping, why bother.  I insisted this time, my heart and soul really needed a kiss when he layed down beside me.  I really didn’t believe he would do it, so I was pleasantly surprised and scared shitless when he planted a big wet kiss right on my sound asleep lips at 1am.  He’s actually a little lucky that I didn’t deck him.  So…..yes, I liked getting a kiss when he came to bed and I liked that he followed through with what I asked for…..but I did not like Fright Nights in my bed last night.  LOL!

Anyway, on with the pumpkins.  There’s Meghan pre-poking the balls, there’s a pumpkin closeup, there’s a field of pumpkins with some wine and someone’s hand trying to sneak it and there’s a picture of the faced ones close up.  There is not a picture of the sushi (as noted) or the sheer destruction of my kitchen when we were done last night. 

Here’s something you should not do.  Make Royal Icing and then get distracted and let it harden into your mix master and beaters.  Also?  Don’t cut styrofoam with a bread knife, that shit gets everywhere!  Also, don’t put hot melted chocolate directly into a ziploc sandwich bag, the bag melts and the chocolate goes everywhere!  Just a few tips should you decide to craft your own Pumpkin Head Cake Pops!

Love List ~ October 28, 2011

This morning I am grateful for:

  • wine and a silly girl movie on a weeknight
  • a field of pumpkins in my kitchen in the morning
  • my jug of water
  • a 1 am chat about everything that I can barely remember


Welcome to October!

Aaah, Monday.  If a person used reverse psychology and pretended to LOVE Monday, that would make it better, right?  No?  Ah well, worth the try.
Monday morning here is grey and rainy and…well….poopy.  Except!  It’s my friend’s birthday today and I made her favourite….cake balls!  As you can see from the picture below, she’s not letting them out of her sight!
I had a lousy start to my weekend, had a dr appt where my recent tummy troubles were diagnosed.  Now that I know what was causing my problem, it’s all under control and starting to fix itself.  Having a sore stomach 24/7 is horrible….when eating hurts, something’s wrong!  But, $117 later for a month of medication and I’ll be right as rain!
Friday night Ray took me on a date, he drove us over an hour away to a favourite restaurant where we both turned our phones off, sat side by side in a little booth and enjoyed each other’s company….which was good because at the time I wasn’t really able to enjoy the food.   Saturday we went and did a little shopping (super sexy leather boots!) and went for a nice lunch, again at a restaurant that we really like (Zawa on Commercial for anyone who lives in the lower mainland).  I had the Pacifico Wrap which was a tonne of egg, some diced onion and flaked smoked salmon.  It was enormous so half of it got to come home with me for breakfast the next day!  One thing that I did notice from eating out all weekend is that even when you try to make a decent choice (egg and salmon wrap for instance), the calories might be alright but the sodium is out of this world!  I drank an entire pot of ginger tea (ginger twist tea bag w/ extra sliced ginger boiled in) and my big water bottle full of water and didn’t wee from 8pm last night until this morning!  Little water retention, methinks!  Sunday morning we went down to a coffee shop on Hastings and watched the Vancouver Toy Run go by….we decided not to ride it this year but to watch instead.  Turned out well and at least that way our entire day wasn’t a write off.  For the rest of Sunday we just hung around, I cleaned the house for about 2 and a half hours (it’s gone on a bit long!) and Ray mowed/vacuumed the leaves out of the backyard.  
Now that I’ve rambled on about what’s been going on (too much eating out, essentially!), let me tell you something that I noticed.  Sitting at the restaurant on Saturday we had a window seat right along Commercial Avenue.  Commercial Ave is the epicenter of non-conformists….except not really.  What I noticed with these people who very obviously are trying SO HARD not to conform….is that they’re just conforming to a different standard.  There’s a definite ‘style’ and a definite ‘attitude’ among these ‘non-conformists’ that groups them.   There is an obvious amount of time and effort that is put into cultivating this certain look.  Just because you’re not conforming to the main societal standard, doesn’t mean you aren’t conforming to another standard.   Anyway…there’s no point to this observation, I just thought it was interesting watching a bunch of people who make such an effort to be completely unique and to live and dress differently….and they end up appearing just like all the rest of their neighbors who look and live and dress differently. 
Tonight is the big Costco-shop after work (nothing good, just laundry soap and cucumbers, I think) and a quiet evening reading books after dinner…..I love that we have a Monday evening book reading ritual to ease into the week….which I suppose will all go to pot next week when Ray comes back to work.

It’s Who I Am.

I think sometimes that there is a value in the ability to conform, to not rock the boat, to blend in, to not be ‘that’ person.  I often do conform and try to just get along with whatever situation I’m in.  I’m not a stink-maker, I don’t make people bend to my wishes or cater to me. 
However, more than that I think that it’s important to know and accept who you are at your core.  There are certain things about each of us, some good and some bad, that no matter what we try to do, they are woven into the fabric of who we are and we aren’t likely to get rid of them without ripping out the whole design. 
Last night at 5:30 when we were just starting to make dinner, Ray realized that at 6:15 the last Wednesday Night Group Ride of the season was leaving.  Given that we are busy people and that we’ve had a rather marginal summer, we have not been on many of the Wednesday Night Rides…Ray’s been a couple of times alone and I’ve been… times.  He wanted to go….but only if I would go with him.  And in order to make it simpler/quicker/easier, he offered to let me be his passenger…which he knows I like sometimes as a break from being responsible for myself…especially in a large group.  ANYWAY, he also promised me that because it would be dark early (and cold), that we would be home between 8 and 9 because he knew that if we were home any later, I wouldn’t go.  One of my fabric-woven things is that my bedtime is 9pm.  I’ve had a 9pm bedtime since I was 12.  I have often tried to change it, to gradually make it later, to force myself to stay up later but to no avail.  Work nights I am ready for bed at 9pm and it doesn’t do any of us any good to try to stretch that out.
The whole dumb ride story doesn’t matter….what matters is that I cannot help who I am and when it’s 8:30pm and we haven’t been served our post-ride dessert and we’re still a 45 minute ride from home, it’s time to go.   When I know that upon arriving home I still have to clean up the dinner that we abandoned and make my lunch, I get my panties in a twist.  Ray asked me to go on the ride…..he didn’t just say “Do you want to go?”, he said “Would you please come?” and I can’t say no to that.  But when it’s time to go, it’s time to go.
It may seem like a petty thing, why I can’t just forget about the time for one evening.  To me, to who I am it’s not a petty thing.  It’s something that I’m not willing to change.  I need to be home for bedtime, to have things ready for the next day, my lunch made, clothes ready, to have the kitchen clean, the coffee set, my hair combed and my teeth brushed and then off to bed.  It’s who I am, I’m a planner and a schedule follower and prepare-er. 
I know it probably bugs Ray….that when a particular time rolls around it’s time to go….he would probably really like to stay….however he’s not working and I am.  However there are things about him that I don’t particularly relish but it’s part of his fabric.  This is part of mine.
Rant over.
PS.  Weigh in yesterday was a successful 2.4 pounds down!  Total 4.0 over three weeks.

Nice Things

I was going to call this post ‘Good Things’ but that sounds a bit too Martha Stewart-y for me!

In the last month or so I’ve gone through a fairly rough patch, what with dealing with involvement with Ray’s ex wife, knowing I was going to be trapped with the whole ex family for a week, trying to make Ray understand how that makes me feel, what it does to my personality and how his lack of dealing with it is going to destroy our relationship.  Rough time.  I’ve also been dealing with some physical symptoms, my heart problem keeps flaring up and I (stupidly perhaps) refuse to take the medication to calm it down (more on that in another post), my hair was falling out and the number of random bruises that I’ve been getting is absurd.  What I’ve come to realize (self diagnosing myself) is that I’m probably suffering low iron.  Normally when this happens I’m clued in by how insanely exhausted that I am…..and I am….but I chalked it up to the wedding lead up.  Hair falling out, faster heart rate, random bruising and the inability to deal with one’s emotions are all signs of….not advanced….but not minor….iron deficiency.  I do have a product that I LOVE called Floradix which is a plant based liquid iron (tastes a little like highly concentrated orange juice) and it works beautifully.  I tend to take it in spurts though, start to feel better and then forget about it.  Given the extent of the problems this time though, I think I’ll be on it a little more consistently.  It’s $22 at the vitamin store for the small bottle which lasts a little less than a month….but if you’re the only one taking it there is no point in buying the large bottle as it will expire before you can use it all….better price on the large but kind of a waste.  I’m not saying that my issues with our…umm…issues these past couple of months aren’t valid but getting my body back in balance definitely helps me to be less of a crazy lunatic when trying to have a discussion about said issues.

Something else that I have fallen in love with is Goldwell Kerasilk hair treatment.  You do it once/week, I usually do it at the same time as shaving my legs.  You shampoo your hair, towel it dry and then rub this treatment in.  Then you sit for 5-15 minutes (hence the leg shaving) before you rinse it out.  For me it’s like getting supermodel hair.  It’s soft and shiny and somehow about twice as voluminous…..and for a thin-haired gal, that’s important!  When I use it, for 3-4 days afterward I don’t need to use any styling products, just a blow dry and my hair lays straight and smooth and shiny.  LOVE!  It’s a bit pricey at $19.99 for the tube but you only use once a week and not very much so in the long run it’s pretty cheap!

And now, since this post is all about good stuff, the two recipes I made this weekend.  I made a White Bean & Goat Cheese Hummus which comes out to 1 Point+ for 2 tbsp (I’m thinking of using it mixed into canned salmon in place of mayo for a sandwich!).  And I made Chocolate Almond Truffles which come out to 1 Point+ each.  They are a bit messy to make but fully worth it in the eating!  Just make sure you don’t aspirate the loose cocoa powder that they are rolled in when you bite them!  Comment me if you want the recipes.

And….It’s Over!

Wow, pretty glad that’s over with!  Wedding week is complete and we are back home again! 
While I went up with the best of intentions regarding Weight Watchers, I am holding my hat in my hands and admitting defeat.  I made the best possible choices that I could have made while we were there (alcohol not withstanding) but I’m afraid that any accomplishment that I had before we left may have been done in by the events and circumstances surrounding our time on Quadra Island.   Not being someone to readily fail at something I do have to say that I think that I succeeded the best I could have, regardless of what the scale will say this evening. 
Further to the scale issue, being Wednesday afternoon, my normally success-driven self would not be eating or drinking anything between now, 1pm, and weigh in at 5pm.  However, I am getting a cold and I’m dehydrated from the past 6 days.  Since my goal overall, while losing weight of course, is to be healthier and more stable, I’m going to throw caution to the wind and drink my tea because my body is calling for hydration and warm comfort.  So…..if the scale is not down but up, that’s alright.  I made it through as unscathed as I could…I didn’t emotionally eat through a bunch of snack food, I didn’t drink excessively, we worked our tails off running stairs upon stairs upon more stairs all while carrying loads of wedding supplies, tables, dishes, mix etc.  What will be is what will be.
I have several zillion posts running through my head that I would like to get out however as the ‘trauma’ of this past week fades, I’m sure that none of it will seem worth writing about.  There is one instance though that I don’t think I’ll be forgetting anytime soon.  At the heart of who I am, I will always think that I am the same overweight, unsure, unfashionable, unsocial person that I used to be.  Unfortunately this trip brought out all those old feelings and with it shame and insecurity and unloveableness.  For a short time that former person who hated herself came back.  I can thank the bride’s friends/bridal party for that one.  Between the pointing and the whispering and the giggling and the blatant rudeness it was all I could do not to climb into The Goat and go to sleep until it was time to come home.   I understand it in a way, there’s a huge age difference between Ray and I, I’m certain that his daughter, over the years, has said awful things about me (made up or perceived to be true, who knows!) and they all finally got to get a good look at me….and stare and point and whisper they did.  I say that I understand it and I do but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  I have never felt more the fat and unloveable, unworthy person!  I was a complete pariah, an outcast.  If you think I’m exaggerating it, imagine the worst feelings you think about yourself, the times when you were most embarassed to be in public, the times when you were the most depressed because of your appearance, the most alone you’ve ever felt….and then imagine that 8 good looking young men and women are pointing at you and laughing without even pretending that they aren’t.   My imagination blew me up to an enormous ugly monster that they were staring at and it felt awful.
I was completely unprepared for that, never saw that one coming!  I think it’s worth telling the story though, if only to remember what other people can do to your perception of yourself.  How other people, complete strangers, can ruin the good you’re trying to do for yourself.  How important it is to really try to see yourself as you are, not how our imagination can form us in a stressful or upsetting situation. 
I’ll leave you with a couple of pictures from the weekend…one of Ray and his daughter and one of Ray and I.  The one of Ray and I reminds me, regardless of all the mental gymnastics that went on with my self image this past week, that I am not an enormous ugly monster.  Nope.  🙂

Into The Fire

Into The Fire
Well…these next 5 hours are my last semblance of anxiety free time for the next 6 days.  Tonight at 5pm when I get home Ray’s Ex Wife (I should really rename her here on the blog…suggestions?) and his son are coming over to pack up his truck and the tent trailer.  I have my first week’s weight watchers weigh in tonight and Ray is graciously (read: being forced) to drive me to the meeting in Maple Ridge for 6pm tonight since we are leaving before I can weigh tomorrow…and since they are arriving right when we are going to need to leave….AND I won’t have eaten since 2pm (WW antics cropping up), that should be a fun little get together.
Plus we managed to have another argument last night about how I . Do. Not. Want. To. Spend. Social. Time. With. Your. Ex. Wife when he informed me that himself, me, his son and his ex wife are going to the Pub tomorrow evening for dinner.  And when I said I wasn’t sold on going to that because I was not interested in having an akward 2 hours making small talk with her, he said he was going anyway.  That hurt….and sparked a very unpleasant evening.
Of course this morning things are well and fine again…because I’m completely defeated.  I can’t make him understand my feelings, I’ve said it countless ways, in various moods and volumes…he says he does and then the very next day he can’t understand why I wouldn’t want to attend the above mentioned pub night. 
I have a very solid relationship and we are very happy together, this last month not withstanding.  I am very aware of the fact that the volume of incidents are high right now and that means that I have limited ability to just brush off the things that I can normally brush off…and that’s making for me feeling unappreciated and unimportant at every turn.  Not a great situation.  I knew when I got together with Ray that there would be some involvement with his ex wife and I can deal with that…but because the involvement right now is daily it’s becoming more than I can tolerate…and you can’t change a person let alone try to get them to completely revise their behaviour in a week….so this learning curve that Ray is on is not going fast enough for me and I’m sure to him it must seem like I’m being irrational (compared to my high level of tolerance normally). 
Plus, when you add in that not only do we have to be involved with her every day but that said involvement often involves her jerking us around (telling us that she needs to get together at such and such a time so we stay home alllll night and she doesn’t show or her calling and wanting Ray to meet her to buy wedding supplies at idiotic times or giving us a 20 minute time window in the middle of a weekend day that we have to meet her at her house in Maple Ridge and then she’s not there for an hour and a half) and that Ray’s son is a 31 year old 9 year old who refuses to take care of his own food, camping bills, fuel costs, packing needs and is now pissed off because he’s been told that I am not grocery shopping for him or cooking or cleaning up after him while we’re up there.  It’s.  All.  Too.  Much.
It ALSO does not help that I have food anxiety, I will be in Week Two of Weight Watchers, I just spent $115 to feed us quality, healthy meals while we’re up there for 6 day….and that Kyle is refusing to grocery shop for himself (even though his gramma gave him $750 to pay for this week).  I’m having quasi regular anxiety attacks about what will happen when we’re up there for 6 days and he’s refused to bring himself any food.  My $115 that I spent on groceries for the two of us for 6 days will be expected to be spread around to include him….which fuels my food anxiety that I might not get enough to eat (he’s 6’6″ and about 275lbs and eats like a muel!).  It also fuels my pocketbook anxiety because I’m fricking broke at this time of year after summer holidays let alone the hair and nails and clothes that I’ve had to buy for this wedding.  It also fuels my anger towards being forced to take care of another adult, gainfully employed human being who is ungrateful and disrespectful. 
I keep joking that I am going to have to medicate myself for this wedding and I was really giving that a second thought yesterday because I felt like if I have to medicate myself to get through my relationship then there is something very wrong there.  But I had a dream last night about medicating myself…it was clear as day, I am going to medicate myself to make it through 6 days where causing or being involved in bickering with Ray is not an option.  I am going to medicate myself to make it through dealing with the ex and his son and all the drama that is no doubt coming.  I am going to medicate myself because I refuse to be a cause or a factor in any of that drama.  I truly need to make it through the next six days…of an unusual event in an unusual relationship situation.  Not for my regular life…just for this unusual instance.   I really think it’s the best option in a grab bag of really crappy options.
So, dear internet readers….this I leave you with.  Send good vibes my way for the next few days….strength to just smile…as fake as that may be.  Send me suggestions for renaming the ex on this blog…because there is internet service on Quadra and I am going to be posting updates of the shenanigans so it’d be good to have a name for her.  And if you can make it happen, wish me a completely stress free next 6 days…that it’ll go by in the blink of an eye and before long I’ll be back here at work where the height of my stress involves cardboard boxes and demanding sales reps.

Septenber 8, 2011

I’m struggling right now with a rather stressful event upcoming that is doing an excellent job at seriously straining my relationship. Unfortunately for me (again), there is not much that I can do about it without looking like an irrational fool and/or destroying any bit of goodwill that we’ve worked so hard to build over the last four years. Even though my complaint is nowhere near irrational, I am going to have to, for the eighty-billionth time, suck up my feelings, push them out of the way and put a smile on my face, however fake that may be. Since I happen to have the gift of foresight, I can predict what’s going to happen and the only thing I will have control over is my reaction and behaviour on the matter. So I’ve been trying to have conversations and make my spouse understand where I’m coming from and how his actions are affecting the crux of who I am and how I will feel towards him. It’s not going well. He’s a man, he doesn’t hear what I’m saying and even if he does, since he is not the one with hurt feelings or discomfort, he doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal and brushes me off.

In happier news, yesterday I joined Weight Watchers officially. The first weigh in wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it might be (I’ve been avoiding the scale since we got back from holidays) and now I have my control back and a starting point to work from. In reviewing what I eat as it relates to points values I realized that I’m fully on the right track as far as types of food that I’m eating….during the week. My downfall is portion control (my eyeballing has gotten a bit loose over the last 5 years) bits and bites, weekend eating/treats and booze. Seems like a lot to have to regain control of but it’s not really. Now that I have firm structure again, portion control and bits and bites are automatically under control. Weekend eating and booze will be under the same flag of structure and points balancing. I was thinking I would save my weekly bonus points for alcohol, but the booze is one of the reasons for the tummy flab that I’m experiencing so I think I’ll just hold back on that for awhile.

Tomorrow night I’m going to get my nails done…thinking french but may just do a colour gel again. I had it done last year for our trip to Yellowstone on bikes because chipping nails/fingernails is common when camping/riding but I swore I would never do it again because I had to let them grow off rather than pay another $50 to get them removed. What I know now that I didn’t then is that we have acetone in the garage, just soak and they peel right off. So I’m getting them done for camping/event preparation because they are indestructible and it is important to me to be nicely manicured at all times but especially for something like a wedding. I’m also testing out a new hairdresser on Saturday morning. My hair is very basic and should, in theory, be absurdly easy to cut…just a trim, all the same length. Sadly, it gets screwed up more often than not. So I will try a new hairdresser at a really cute little boutique-shop area in Port Coquitlam. It’s medium pricey for a haircut but their website looked really good and they take hair very seriously. Plus it’s right next door to a favourite coffee shop….hmmm……I may make an alone-time morning out of it and put on a pretty summer dress, go for coffee first, read my book in the sun on the coffee shop patio, get my hair cut and then meander home. Hmmm…for sure, methinks! I could use the downtime/alone time, that’s for certain!

It’s a gorgeous sunny day out and while I have not gone for a proper jog in longer than I care to admit, I am going to head for the trail when I get home and jog the flat parts, walk the hills and feel good about getting some exercise.