I’m Quitting The Gym!

Last night sucked the big one!  I was in the mall for over 2 hours.  Here are the highlights:

 

• H&M apparantly is made to fit abnormally small women, I couldn’t even get a 14 dress zipped up around my rib cage
• any dress that is not skin tight is matronly looking
• everything this holiday season is completely covered in sequins.  I am not sequin people.
• I got stuck in the same shirt 5 different times while trying to figure out how it went on. 
• I bought a pair of Liquid jeans in dark wash to wear tomorrow night.  I have no top to go with.
• I bought a lovely tapestry skirt and a necklace.  I have no top to go with.

I came home after the 2 hours that I spent buying the one pair of jeans and one skirt and told Ray that I was cancelling my gym membership and that we were going to immediately start existing on take out because it apparantly makes no Goddamn difference how hard I work, I can’t fit the clothes anyway.  Now….this is not the first time that this has happened to me, I actually have a really hard time shopping.  I’m not sure why.  I have about 10 pounds that I can lose.  10 pounds should not make the difference to being able to shop in the mall.  I am frustrated.  Going to skip dinner with Ray’s mom tonight and go to a different mall and see what I can find.  It’s a lower end mall which hopefully means more average person stores, less high end? 

 

Last night when I got home we went out for sushi to I Love Sushi.  It’s pretty darn good for what it is.  I’ve had better but for the price point and the location it’s my favourite place to go, hands down.  My plan was to have one roll and bring the second one for my lunch today.  But….we got to chatting and munching and before I knew it, both of them were in my belly!  I should never have ordered both, I could eat sushi until my tummy bursts, the taste and texture are  addictive to me.  Duly noted, Self, be wary of sushi!

 

Tomorrow night we’re having the holiday party for our motorcycle group.  I’m not really looking forward to it, I won’t be drinking tonnes and they’re serving a pre-done turkey dinner which I am NOT thrilled about.  That is a huge meal for a holiday party and when something is premade, it’s not like a buffet where you can choose how much of everything you get (eg, veg and turkey instead of getting served a tonne of mashed potatoes and stuffing and gravy.  Especially after the bad taste left in my mouth about yesterday’s shopping disaster I’m not really feeling the “celebrate with food, eat whatever you want” mentality right now…not at all.

 

I’m going tanning after work because it makes me happy and it makes me smell nice.  Dinner after my second shopping expedition is going to be a fried egg sandwich and a glass of wine.  And…..I will go spinning tomorrow morning.  Because I’m not actually cancelling my gym membership.

 

Happy Weekend!

Advertisement

A Step Forward

I just sent a preliminary email to a tattoo artist….he’s done a few of the guys here at work and he is very talented.  He works at a proper tattoo shop but he also has his own shop on the side.  The guesstimate for cost is about $150 which includes the artwork to actually make it look like I want it to look.    I’m kind of excited, I have always wanted a tattoo but nothing has ever spoken to me and I figured that if I ever found something, I would just know it.  And I did and I do and I’m kind of excited.

 

Spinning last night was insane.  It was Valerie’s last class and she figured that she had to make it count and that meant the rest of us were going to make it count also.  She actually picked on people to get us to crank the resistance up.  Killer, I thought I was going to puke.  My invincible summer was burning pretty hot last night!  Sadly, for some reason after I got home from the gym and crawled into bed, I got Post-Gym-Chill (P-G-C) and couldn’t even warm up the sheets in our bed last night.  Ray was working nights so it was just me and I had a miserable night.  At about 1am I got up and put my housecoat on and crawled back into bed but that just made me cold and kind of lumpy.  Weird, usually a good dose of protein right after a hard workout will prevent P-G-C but apparantly not last night.

 

Tonight we’re going out for sushi for dinner, just to a little place near where we live.  Nothing extravagant, no big pig out…just an easy for me dinner.  And after that, Ray goes home and I go party dress shopping.  Cross your fingers for me.  I’m actually not holding out much hope, I pretty much think I’m going to be screwed.  Our first party is on Saturday night and if I find nothing I’m going in jeans and a hoodie. 

 

I think we’re going to a pub night tomorrow night but I’m not planning on taking in too many calories.  C’mas party Saturday night is the start of a LOT of food-type events coming up over the next few weeks and I already have tagged which ones get food/booze freedom and which ones will have to be scaled back.  I have no intention of undoing all my hard work in 3 weeks.  NOT going to happen!  I’m also planning to spin as hard as I can on my workout days and then after every workout I’m doing air squats and walking lunges.  I’m going to try and take an easy jog around our neighborhood on sunny off-gym days (Sunday, Friday) when I’m feeling it. 

 

In my effort to stay in shape, increase my fitness and keep weight off, I also have a new fitness event to train for.  In addition to my February 11th Trail Running Series starting and my spring Grouse Grind plans, I have decided to Climb The Wall.  490 feet, 48 floors, 739 steps.  It’s a charitable ‘run’ for the Lung Association in the stairwells of The Wall Center (a skyscraper in downtown Vancouver) and I’ve never done it.  My sister and her boss did it one year but I’ve never done it so I think 2012 is going to be my year.

 

Happy Thursday, gorgeous people. Today is a non-gym day for me, it’s sunny outside and I don’t have to make dinner tonight.  All nice things!

Development!

I had very nice news overnight, apparantly all of the Christmas plans have changed.  I’m not sure if I’ve posted it here before, but we have some issues within our relationship that relate to Ray’s ex wife and his grown children insisting that they see both of their divorced parents at the same time on Christmas morning.  This also involves the fact that I have been told I’m not welcome to be there….just Ray and his ex wife.  Fucked up, definitely.  Anyway, this year Ray’s daughter decided to allow me to be present at Christmas morning…..gee….thanks.  I didn’t really know which way to go on that, obviously I want to spend C’mas morning with my spouse but I do NOT want to see his ex wife on that day.  I had actually completely come to terms with it and I was going to go and spend Christmas morning sitting in our neighborhood Starbucks sipping delightfully overly sweet hot chocolate and reading my book until Ray got done and came to get me.  I had gotten to the point where I was actually looking forward to it. 

 

Happily overnight we got an email from Ray’s daughter that her and her new husband have chosen to go to his parent’s for Christmas which is at least a day’s drive away.  So they will be going there for the week.  That means NO FUCKED UP GROUP GET TOGETHER!  Ray’s son will come over to our house in the morning (or sleep over C’mas Eve night), we’ll do gifts, I’ll make a proper C’mas Morning type breakfast and then he can go to his mom’s and we’ll go and see my family.  EXCELLENT!  So Ray and I get another full year to work on our handling of the family-type situations, I get another full year to build my relationship with Ray’s daughter (which can only lead to good things) and then we all get to stress out about all of this again 12 months hence.  But for now?  We relax.

 

Tonight is spinning….and my favourite spinning instructor’s last day.  I wouldn’t miss this for anything, I really like her style of instruction and I will miss being motivated by her.   What her departure has got me to think about is perhaps going out and getting my Les Mills RPM certification so that I can instruct classes as a substitute.  I have a major love of indoor cycling and while I’ve never instructed a class before, I think that’s the point of going through the training, right?  Anyway, I still have to give it some thought.  I thought if I do the Les Mills training I may look into doing the actual Spinning certification at the same time.

 

Tomorrow night I’m going out into the Scary World (read:  mall) to try to buy a dress for our upcoming holiday parties.  I want one that’s short but all the short dresses seem to have tank top style tops and I will freeze!  We’ll see what I can find, I better be able to at least find something acceptable to wear!

 

Finally, I think I’ve decided to get a tattoo.  This is one of those things that I’ve always wanted but I never really liked anything enough to actually permanently mark my body with it.  Until I found this quote.  It’s in french, the guy who spoke it did so in french.  And I think it’s beautiful.  It means a heck of a lot to me and what I believe about myself.  I like that it’s in french so not just anyone will know what it says on first glance.  And, while I’m no artist, I think it should look really pretty with a vine entwined into it and then little spring leaf buds at the ends.  I drew a picture…..ingore the fact that I suck at drawing even something as simple as a leafy vine.  I want it tattooed on my right side, starting just under where my bra band ends.  That spot doesn’t sag, doesn’t gain or lose weight to speak of, wouldn’t change if I put on muscle.  It’s hidden unless I’m in my undies or a bathing suit.  And I can see it every day.  The translation is:  “In the depths of winter, I have found in myself an invincible summer.” 

 

 

 

Flush Me!

Do you hear that?  That flushing noise?  That’s the sound of me guzzling water and trying to flush out the teeny weenie bit of sodium that I consumed over the weekend which is now wreaking havoc on my body.  It’s quite ridiculous actually and something I’m going to mention to my doctor.  I had one White Spot burger on Saturday afternoon.  Not even the whole thing actually….more like 3/4 of the burger.  And I am paying the price BIG TIME this morning (and a little bit yesterday but I didn’t get out of my jammies yesterday so I didn’t notice it too much in my waistline).  I need to make a doctor’s appt this week anyway and I think I am going to bring this up.  The only thing is that I’m worried that she’s going to prescribe me something stupid like water pills.

 

The weekend was pretty good, spinning on Saturday was insanely hard, the instructor that I originally started out with back in February was back and I remembered why I had nicknamed her “Satan”!  She ran a killer class and having had a few glasses of red wine the evening before, it killed me!  Ray and I spent the late morning & early afternoon napping and then went for our burger (as noted above) and groceries.   Sunday was a Jammy Day, toast for breakfast, egg sandwich for lunch and turkey burger for dinner.  Ray slept until 1pm yesterday (graveyard) so I layed about and read.  All in all the weekend was very relaxing!

 

I made an African Sweet Potato & Peanut Stew on Saturday afternoon for my lunch this week.  The smell is insanely delicious and the taste is not bad too.  The problem is that the recipe called to cook the sweet potatoes until ‘very tender’, which I did.  Problem being that once you stir the stew, the yams break down and it’s more like African Sweet Potato & Peanut Smoosh.  It’s dead easy to make and very cheap so I’ll definitely do it again….but next time I’ll roast the yams first and then let them cool.  That should form them a bit of a ‘skin’ on their outsides so that they can hold themselves together.  Then I’ll put the sauce over the yams, chickpeas, green beans in a pot on the stove rather than the slow cooker for several hours.   Lesson learned.

 

Tonight I have Body Combat….but I also have a dislocated butt cheek.  Well, not really…..but something is twisted or pinching my sciatic nerve and my butt cheek lights up with every step.  I’ve brought my gym bag with me in order to go right after work.  If I go for a walk or spin, the pain eases as I warm up and loosen up….so I know I would do alright in Combat………it’s the day AFTER combat that I’m worried about.  I only have four more Tuesday morning spinning classes to attend so I definitely don’t want to miss one because of a faulty butt cheek.  I’m not really sure what I’m going to do when that’s over either.  I really love getting a good spin in first thing in the morning but I really hate working until 4:30 and then fighting traffic all the way home.  If only they would move that 6am class to an hour earlier….then I could have it all!  LOL! 

 

Love List ~ November 28, 2011

This morning I am grateful for:

THE SUNSHINE!

Lucky!

My boyfriend is 6 feet tall and 230 pounds.  Last night we were looking at a fitness magazine and I wondered how much the cover model had to give up in order to look like she does, and how much of that is genetics.  During the conversation, Ray made some comment about how he didn’t think I would ever be able to change my eating habits.  I thought he was referring to the fact that I may always be in a ‘diet’ mindset.  What he actually meant was that he didn’t think I would ever be able to cut down on the amount of food that I eat.  He said to me, “You’re lucky, if I ate as much as you do I’d be 350 pounds by now.”.  I just about choked!  I’ve often thought the exact same thing about him; “If I ate the amount of calories that he does, I’d be right back where I started.”.  I thought it was funny though because from his perspective I eat a boatload of food.  From my perspective I would like to gain some muscle so I can eat MORE and think about it all less. 

 

Perspective is where it’s at (and a little of the ‘grass is greener’, I think).  Volume-wise, I definitely do eat more.  More fruit, more veg, more lean protein.  Volume wise I probably double him.  But calorie wise we are miles apart!  I do not eat as much cookies, bread (my darling ate an entire loaf of white bread in 4 days this week!), cheezies, coke, halloween candy, dark chocolate etc.  We eat very healthy meals (because I do the shopping and cooking)….but he supplements those with the ‘fun’ stuff whereas I do not.  Granted, he could definitely afford to lose about 20 pounds for his overall health, but he’s a big, muscular man and generally does not have the issues that I have for weight, both mentally and physically.

 

I thought it was also interesting that he referred to me as ‘lucky’ because that is definitely not how I feel.  “Lucky” would be eating out daily, not prepping veggies for two meals and two snacks every day, not worrying about protein/carb/fat ratio.  It would be having treats and lattes and big whippy sugary-sweet hot chocolate whenever my soul feels like being comforted.  It would be buying and eating whatever I want without looking at nutrition labels (and then not putting delicious looking things back because they are just too loaded).  It would be not noticing how sugar makes me feel like garbage, how certain grains or too many starchy carbs wrecks my stomach.  It would be drinking wine whenever I feel like without having to abstain because the next morning I have to spin.   It would NOT be exercising 4 times per week at a stupid intensity.  It would NOT be logging calories and weighing daily.  If I was lucky I would not beat myself up over small gains and rejoice over small losses.  I wouldn’t worry about what my weight should be, whether I have enough muscle, how much more fit I could become. 

 

Nope…not really feeling ‘lucky’.  But….I’m also not feeling sorry for myself.  Again, I make the choice to behave in the way that I do, I put importance on my weight, my health,my physical fitness and my appearance.  I may not be ‘lucky’ enough to eat whatever I want and lay around all day but I am fortunate enough to be smart and aware and active.  And I get all the benefits of that healthier way of living…energy, vitality, tight ass….you know, the important things!  😉

 

Happy Friday!

What Makes A Bitch?

Rightfully or not, I’ve been feeling under attack lately.  Maybe it’s my own paranoia and too much self involved thinking that makes me believe that people spend more time thinking about and disliking me than they actually do.  But….I was attacked last week by a co-worker for an ‘infraction’ that definitely didn’t constitute her insane overreaction.  After a very short (and I mean short both in length and tone) conversation with her about borrowing her key to a manager’s office, she came back into my department, towered over me and started yelling at me that I was a child, that I had no ability to communicate, that any discomfort that I might have felt over the initial conversation was my problem.  She was vibrating she was so mad and the conversation ended with her repeatedly pointing her finger into my face.  Afterwards, I could not stop crying.  Seriously…I wanted to….but couldn’t.  I’m a strong enough person though, I put it behind me.  But over the last few days, different instances have come up where, it has occurred to me that perhaps I really am the bitch that people seem to think that I am.  I’m not overly upset about it though.

 

You see, “bitch” is a word that I actually do accept about myself….because I think that the majority of people that you encounter in your daily life are intimidated, scared of, confused by and not accepting of people who are in charge of their lives.  They don’t know what to do with people who take the hard road.  They don’t know how to interact with people who refuse to lay down….either to other people or to themselves.  And I think that that sort of fear and discomfort doesn’t easily fit in to most people’s emotional matrix and so they have to put you into a spot that they understand; “Bitch!”.

 

So what about me makes people so uncomfortable that I can’t seem to just have an easy relationship with people I come across?  Let’s see;

 

First, I don’t care to have any relationship with the majority of people.  Not the sort that society demands that you have.  I don’t do fake and I don’t pretend to care.  That tends not to be the social norm though.  It makes me appear standoffish and rude.  I’m not.  I just don’t think a business interaction requires me to know what your neighbor’s best friend’s kid dressed up as for Halloween and then pretend to care. 

 

Second, I believe my time and my money are valuable and I can be very free with them.  Because of that, I don’t accept shit.  Not in products or service.   I’m not averse to politely pointing out where my expectations have not been met when it is my hard earned money or valuable time that is taking the hit and then expecting that the error be corrected.  And if that doesn’t work, I am also not averse to notching it up. 

 

Third, I don’t do things I don’t want to do.  For the most part.  Obviously in my relationship and my life there are things that I do that I don’t super love but that need to be done.  But invite me to drive 45 minutes on a weeknight in the dark and rain to go for coffee?  No thanks.  Go eat at a restaurant that I don’t enjoy just because it’s the polite thing to do?  No thanks….see point 2 above regarding money and time. 

 

Fourth, I don’t believe that I should feel any great discomfort for something just so that someone else doesn’t have to.  Everyone has sucky days and bad traffic and money troubles, we all do.  I take mine in stride and I believe that everyone else should deal with their own shit.  In whatever way that they need to but I don’t think that I should have to take on anyone else’s burden unless it’s something that I want to do.  By this I mean, why should I suffer so you don’t have to?

 

And finally, I have assigned importance in my life to things that are hard.  I may struggle and groan about it and some days it doesn’t always work out.  I think that people who inately take the easy road find the people who take the hard road distasteful.  

 

So, in order to be someone who ‘fits in’ with everyone, I would simply have to be fake in my reactions to people so that they believe that I deeply care what colour they painted their walls before they’ll provide me with a document I need.  I would also need to accept mediocre products and services with a smile, go to every event that I’m invited to whether I want to or not, go out of my way to make sure that everyone else that I come into contact with has the easiest journey possible regardless of whether that impacts my enjoyment of my own life.  And finally I would have to give up.  On everything that is difficult or uncomfortable. 

 

So….super.  I think I’d rather be a bitch.

 

 

 

Winter Schminter!

Happy Monday, it’s snowing here….in a place that does not deal well with snow.  I am from The North, we had snow, packed on roads and plowed up onto medians for 5 months of the year.  Shovelling was a daily (and sometimes mulitple times) chore.  We had block heaters in our cars and actual winter clothing, snow pants and big mittens, toques and earmuffs.  I grew up in a climate that had an Actual Winter and it didn’t bother me.  My sister and I used to walk to and from school (about a km and a half each way) every day.  The only time that we were given a pass on going to school was when the thermometer outside of our dining room window showed -40 or colder.  That happened about once/year.  Any other day we walked.  We put snowpants and winter jackets over our clothes, put on boots and mitts and braved the outdoors.  And now?  I hate the cold and I hate the snow.  When Ray took our dog for a walk last night he didn’t even bother asking me if I wanted to go (granted I was cooking dinner, but still).  I probably wouldn’t hate it as much if I had all the proper winter gear again….but since I’m always cold anyway (sitting here typing, my fingers may just shatter), going out into even colder doesn’t thrill me at all.

 

Yesterday I made Roasted Acorn & Butternut Soup.  It turned out alright…..because those are fairly sweet squashes though (and even more once you roast them), it’s difficult to season the soup.  We don’t like spicy and if you don’t season it properly it has the potential to become Pie Filling Soup.  I did alright with it and I’m curious to taste it again today once the flavours have melded.  I also made cheesy croutons out of large chunks of baguette, spread with some goat cheese and topped with a little sprinkle of marble and then broiled.  Very delicious!

 

I’m still on my Low Sodium awareness, I do not want a repeat of last week.  I’m convinced that the problem last week was something of a perfect storm of TOM, eating out and heart issue which caused the over-retention of sodium.  But I’m not taking any chances.  I’m being much more aware of sodium content (which is a good idea anyway) and buying sometimes more expensive but lower sodium products.  I used low sodium organic chicken and veg broth for the soup last night and when I was buying canned salmon for my lunch I found a low sodium one….460mg  per serving for the regular one and 85mg per serving for the low sodium one.  More expensive but that’s a HUGE difference.  The taste is slightly more bland but that’ll change as we get used to this.  

 

Tonight I’m going to BodyCombat at 4:30pm.  Ray is back on graveyard so he is sleeping now but will hopefully be cooking a small roast and some asparagus and red potatoes by the time I get home from Combat tonight.   We’re eating out once this week, on a Friday night date with our friends.  Given our recent record of eating out, I’ll take once/week as an acceptable reduction! 

 

I haven’t posted a Love List lately….and while you might not care, I do and I liked framing my day in a grateful manner so I’m going to try to do consistently again.

 

---

Love List ~  November 21, 2011

This morning I am grateful for:

 

my kitten hat

silly kisses at 6:15am

an absence of morning commute mayhem

warm soup for lunch

Something To Work Towards

After yesterday’s freakout about the puffy and the weight gain, I drank a boatload of water all day long.  I’m not sure if that’s what my problem is but I have to try all the things that I can first before I really start to freakout.  When I got home last night, I was discussing my off-kilter issues with Ray and he said that he had noticed already the day before that my face was super puffy and he knew I wasn’t feeling well.  OMG, next time you can visually SEE something wrong, honey, maybe mention it to me?!  

 

I’m still not feeling great, I feel retardedly bloated, even the legs of my jeans feel tight.  I actually feel like all the progress that I made since the beginning of October is all gone.  All of it.  My nice 31.5″ waist measurement, the acceptable scale number, my overall better health and wellbeing.  All gone.  And I don’t really understand why.  Obviously stressing about it is just going to make it all even worse, but tell me that you wouldn’t be a little concerned if this was you?

 

I do notice that since yesterday that my excema has started to clear up, it’s no longer insanely painful.  My face is not nearly as puffy as it was yesterday and the day before that.  Those are good signs but it’s hard to tell what the situation really is because of dinner out last night.  We had 6 girls come to the dinner and it was a really great time, we laughed pretty much the whole time, very good for the soul!  My friend and I split a small ham, mushroom, pineapple pizza which was delicious but insanely high in sodium so as I said, it’s hard to tell what the situation really is.  I also drank a lot of red wine last night which doesn’t help with the whole hydration issue at all.

 

Tonight Ray’s mom is taking us out for dinner….Ray wanted fish and chips so I’m frigging screwed.  Or am I?  I’ll be having grilled fish with a salad instead of greasy, salty fish and chips.  Not quite the same thing but better for me at the moment.  My lunch today is supposed to be a WW meal (home late, end of week out of groceries) but I am going to forgo it and its insane sodium content for a Luna Bar, a hard boiled egg and some steamed green beans and baby bok choy.  Tomorrow my mom and my sister and I are going on an outing and then sushi afterwards.  I’ll be packing my own healthy snacks for during the outing and then for lunch I’m going to keep it reasonable and avoid the soy sauce!

 

Now, on to other things.  I was reading a post about how you have to own your goals.  That it’s OK if the goal means something only to you and that the rest of the world can’t necessarily relate/understand.  It got me to thinking that I need a goal.  Something to work towards.  I go to the gym, I work like crazy when I’m there and currently my goal has been to become physically fit.  My goal has also been to make a schedule and then stick to it as much as possible.  Well…….I’ve sort of already achieved “physically fit”, I can do more than I have ever been able to before and I’m sure if I keep going I will keep improving.  It’s an ongoing goal I guess…..there’s no tangible way of knowing when I’ve achieved it, really.  And the sticking to a schedule thing….I’ve proved to myself and learned through the weeks that I can stick to the schedule and I’ve learned what my mind and body require as far as unscheduled rest days.  Goal achieved?

 

I need something to work towards.  A race to train for?  Or a ride?  A personal best goal?  Lately I’ve been feeling like I want to do marathon training again…..only I don’t actually want to do marathon training.  It hurts, running is insanely hard on the body and I really am enjoying being able to exercise and for the most part live the rest of my life not in pain and not attached to ice bags.  The marathon thing though….it’s about training for and then achieving something big.  It’s about a date in the future that all the work is for.  Something to drive me on the days I don’t want to go workout.  Something to fuel the power when I’m feeling weak. 

 

My goals in the past for why I exercise and eat healthy have always been to lose weight.  I guess that’s a good goal to have and I’m going to keep it (especially in light of recent events), but I need something else…..and I don’t know what that would be.  I have a 40km bike ride in May, but that’s not that difficult (I did it last year with little to no training) and Ray is doing it with me this year so it’s not like I can go like crazy, it’ll be more of a partnership ride which I’m looking forward to….but it doesn’t fuel any training.  Road races for cycling generally require a road bicycle, which I don’t have and am not about to go out and buy.  My bike is a hybrid…mountain and street…not racing. 

 

Right now my thought is to give myself a fitness evaluation of some sort.  Pick a starting date and evaluate my cardio and my strength and my flexibility and then pick a date a couple of months down the road and do the same tests again to gauge improvement.  It doesn’t seem like it would be very ‘marathon-y’ but it’s all I’ve got. 

 

Other than that, I’m really lacking something to work towards.  Help……..any SUGGESTIONS?

Back To It!

G00d Evening!  Oh my gosh, it’s been a few days since I posted, I feel totally out of the loop!

I’m having a total ‘have to get my shit together’ general feeling, but I’ve had a rather rough go in the last couple of days and so now is not a great time to reassess.  I missed work yesterday after a wallopping from my ticker on Sunday day and night.  By Monday morning I was completely wrecked, getting off the sofa to go to the potty was a nightmare to even contemplate let alone carry out, I ate a piece of leftover omelette and one piece of toast w/ peanut butter…not because I wasn’t hungry but because I had no energy to make anything for myself.  Once the ticker starts going goofy, very little oxygenated blood is getting pumped through the body.  That’s a little like suffocating your body from the inside.  Exhausted, nauseated, frozen cold, a bit sketchy mentally.  It was the worst episode that I’ve had since a year ago when this first happened.  Things feel mostly normal now, I just feel like I’ve been run over and I’m very tired.  But, I went to work today and by mid afternoon wasn’t feeling too badly.

Friday was a stat holiday here and Ray and I went to Cache Creek for an outing.  We left at 9am in an insane downpour, to the point that I asked if we shouldn’t just turn around and go home.  But no, we trekked on and about an hour and a half in the skies cleared and the sun was beating into the car.  It was beautiful….and I would have pictures except I turned my phone off due to lack of service in the area.  We stopped at the bakery/pizzeria, bought some local honey, a pie, a loaf of fluffy white bread and had pizza for lunch and then we got back in the car and headed right back for home.  It was a lovely day, uninteruppted quiet time together, very good.

Saturday morning I went spinning and then zipped down to our Harley meeting.  We went for lunch afterwards (an egg and tomato wrap for me, clubhouse for Ray) and good coffee and then came home and watched The Wizard of Oz.  Sunday morning I slept in and then Ray took us for brunch to Wafflehouse.  (you see the pattern emerging here?  TOO MUCH EATING OUT)  Shortly after that is when things started to go sideways for me and the rest is mentioned above.

I planned a Girl’s Dinner for Thursday night to celebrate my late boss’ birthday and to reminisce with some of the ladies that we no longer work with.  Should actually be a really good time!  Friday is dinner out with Ray’s mom, Saturday after I go spinning, my sister and my mom and I are going to go and paint pottery as an impending-birthday celebration.  And after that we’re going for a sushi lunch. 

I’m supposed to be starting the Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess program at the end of November and I really wanted to be down a few pounds before that happened.  I feel like for the most part no matter how hard I work and how much I watch what I eat, these days I just wiffle waffle around the same scale weight, the same general appearance etc.  I know that my whole body has been out of balance for over a week and a half and that certainly hasn’t helped.  Exercise does definitely help to level the teetertotter but I don’t go every single day.  Today I should have been at 6am spinning but I knew yesterday that wouldn’t be happening.  I am looking forward to Wednesday night spinning and I’m trying very hard to eat cleanly in order to put everything back to balance. 

I figure, I can only do the very best that I can do at whatever moment I’m in and the rest is just good enough.  No point in feeling like a failure because I got clobbered for the last couple of days.  Making myself feel bad won’t help…..so I just move on from this point and keep chugging forward.  And STOP EATING SUGAR.  That’s really the kicker right there…..if I’m being completely honest, I have to put the brakes on my sugary-treat nibbling habit.  A cookie here, a piece of pie there, a lick of ice cream, a nice hot chocolate.  Sugar kills me….I can usually eat quite a bit before I notice any physical change or discomfort in my body….but the sugar does it instantly and takes FOREVER to get back to normal.  I am totally weak for sugar and I do great when I have NONE….not so great when I open that door.  I shall climb back on the No Sugar For You, Sugar Addict bandwagon.

Couple of pictures attached, Ray and I and then Ray being a proud dad giving his daughter away……..that one will be part of a Christmas present from me to him this year.  Also the delicious pizza that we drove a total of 8 hours to have, and the pie that we came home with.  (No wonder there’s no change on the scale!).  And the cactus pear that I tried over the weekend….not bad….not worth buying again though.

 

One Hour, One Bottle

Of wine. One hour of talking and one bottle of wine and some apparant understanding between Ray and I as it relates to his ex wife. So why, this morning, do I feel completely defeated, like I sold out on my values and morals and am now a doormat. Maybe it’s what my sister said in the comments yesterday, because I don’t want to let anyone else win? My version of winning has her vaporizing in a puff of black smoke, never to darken our door or set my teeth on edge again. Obviously that’s not the sort of winning that I can have. Obviously. So why then, do I feel like I lost? I didn’t lose….I made the best of a bad situation. Right?

Our conversation last night went amazingly well, we were both calm, no one cried, we were honest with each other and both of us discussed how we feel about certain situations. We also discussed that this new understanding applies only to UNAVOIDABLE CIRCUMSTANCES….birthdays, funerals, weddings. It does not give her carte blanche to come over whenever she likes, for Ray to invite her in for coffee without privately consulting me first. I still want her to stop calling our house all the time, I want her to STOP calling our house only when she knows I’m not going to be home (and the same for coming over). Ray figures that she’s just trying to avoid me….I said that everytime she does that, those shards of glass that I have to swallow get sharper and then, so does my mood/attitude. He says I probably make her uncomfortable….I said “Good.” and if she needs to come over/make contact then she has to do it when I’m there, discomfort for her or not.

Ray had to call his daughter last night also….since the way that things were handled when Ray called Judy the night before and asked her not to come did not sit well with Andrea….and she has the potential to cause a lot of problems for us if she decides that’s the way she wants to go. When Ray called her last night her biggest issue was that she didn’t understand why everything seemed perfectly fine at the wedding and that now it’s not. Ray had to explain to her that the ‘perfectly fine’ at the wedding was an enormous amount of work and caused great issue in our relationship and that certain things afterward were not taken care of like they should have been and that’s part of what is going on now. I’m impressed with him because he took it all on himself when he was smoothing things over with her. Ray will also be calling his ex wife this weekend and getting together for coffee with her (at my request) and resetting the new boundaries for going forward. He said that in fairness to her, before me, he always encouraged her to come over, see the dog, see the kids etc. He never refused her if she brought cooking or baking over. And when I showed up, we dated for awhile before I moved in and to her there was no difference. Now there’s a big difference and she hasn’t made the shift. So, in the interest of goodwill and calmness in our universe, I asked him to go for coffee with her and explain that the request for her not to come to dinner the other night may have been handled poorly (it wasn’t, but we have dealt with that in our own relationship) and that yes, we can all be in the same room together for birthdays and funerals and weddings. He’s also going to explain though that while that’s all very nice and well, she shouldn’t be calling the house (especially when she knows I’m not home), she should never be calling the house after 8pm at night, she shouldn’t be dropping by unannounced etc. Yes, we can all be in the same room together but we’re not all best buddies, some of this is new boundaries that are going to have to be respected.

Anyway, after our conversation last night, we made and ate dinner and then Ray offered to take me on my favourite date…Chapters. I love going to Chapters at night and wandering around the store, letting my mind and hands drift and dust jackets, reading snippets and browsing magazines. We separate at the front door and then wind our way back to each other and for whatever reason it’s one of my favorite things to do together. I bought two new books last night. I haven’t been excited about my reading list lately and now I want to tear through the book I’m on to get going on the new ones!

Tomorrow is a day off here in British Columbia, it’s Remembrance Day (the day we remember our veterans and what they did for us…at 11:11am on 11/11/11). We will take a moment of silence at that time and be grateful for all of our freedoms and luxuries and remember how blessed we are. We’re going on a little road trip tomorrow, we’re taking a drive to a town that is about 4 hours away so that we can buy the best, most delicious peach pie and the gooiest most sugary cinnamon bun in the whole world. And then we’re driving 4 hours back home. Saturday I have spinning (which I have to go to, especially since I skipped spinning last night in favour of doing a little relationship housekeeping) and then the AGM for our motorcycle group. Sunday I think we might go for a picnic if the weather is nice.

Tonight I am SUPPOSED to be getting my hair cut….yep, missed last week due to horrific traffic accident. This hair cut is now 3 weeks late and I can almost audition for the role of sheepdog in the next big movie! And then I’m treating myself to sushi for dinner (Ray is dining with his mom tonight).

Love List ~ November 10, 2011
Sushi (I’m anticipating loving this one!)
Understanding among partners
Freedom to do, wear, say and vote however I choose