July 11, 2014: Thou Shalt Not Suffer

I said yesterday that in the last three weeks I’ve had some questionable meals; potato chips for one, ice cream for another and a blueberry egg compilation that was more “decadent” in presentation than actual nutrition (it was fine, just eggs, bluebs and some coconut milk all baked together).  I found myself, later that day, reading various primal and paleo blogs and someone mentioned pizza.  I have a very suitable recipe for a paleo-fied pizza crust and thought it might be nice if that showed up on the menu soon.  And then I was overcome with thoughts about it.  Floodgates, consider yourselves open!

  • I have never been able to moderate my consumption of that item
  • Should I just make a half batch so that when it’s gone, that’s the end or do I have to test my willpower in order to “progress” in my self-awareness and development?
  • Is there any particular reason I shouldn’t just eat the whole thing if I want to?
  • When would be a good time to eat the pizza?  In a month after I’ve been more consistent with exercise?  When my good jeans fit?

And then……………I had to write off paleo pizza for a while.  Here’s why; I would be more successful and better able to cope with real pizza than with paleo pizza.  In fact real pizza gives me no emotional response whatsoever and paleo pizza, even sitting here in a pizza free zone, makes me a bit testy and antsy.  Any food that is going to cause me this much grief before I’ve even made it has no place in my life at this moment.  I consider that a stellar example of self-awareness and development.

A friend and I talked about embargoes the other day when I declared (and then nearly immediately rescinded) a 4 week alcohol and ice cream embargo.  Her thoughts were that an embargo is perhaps not the most mentally healthy way of considering food….naming something BAD for 4 weeks…. ….because why? (Whole30 elimination notwithstanding as it is for the purpose of determining food sensitivities and allergies whereas my embargo was self-imposed as a sort of punishment with a “reward” at the end; going on holidays and then eating the embargoed items as desired).  I changed my “2014 Booze & Ice Cream Embargo” to my “2014 Don’t Eat Crap If It’s Going To Make You Feel Bad Physically, Mentally Or Emotionally”.  Not quite as catchy.  That said, this ridiculous mental conversation about it, causes paleo-pizza to fall into the “…Bad Mentally Or Emotionally” category.  I don’t eat donuts because they slaughter my stomach.  I don’t eat paleo pizza because it punches holes in my mental/emotional health.

Paleo-logic, self-love, self-awareness. They are all about finding natural health (in all aspects) that works for the special snowflake that I am.  Not how I could be or how someone else is or how Instagram says I should be.  How I am right now.  It’s incredibly empowering, actually.

This morning was Outing #4 that Gracie and I took at 5am…my plan is to phase in a longer route and alternate it with this shorter route dependent on my energy and overall wellness.  I have a 10km Night Run that I signed up and paid for that happens in late September and instead of killing myself to get ready for it I thought I could lend some of my intuitive practice to the training for that as well.  It’s supposed to be blazing sunballs here for the next 14-20 days at least…..and I plan to enjoy as much of that early morning cool as I can. 

I keep having an odd feeling that I’m not working hard enough or suffering enough or punishing myself enough because nothing that I’m doing hurts.  Not before, not during and not even after.  I harken back to when I first decided to change my life in 2007 and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, kept waiting for demons to start shoving pies into my mouth or being forced to eat food I hated or even for my limbs to start falling off.  But none of that happened.  That life change was completely different than what I am walking myself through right now….but considering that it didn’t “hurt” then and it’s not “hurting” now, I’m led to believe that I may have found my current road map.  That makes me very happy!

In order to add one more level of self-respect, this week I refused to wear yoga pants to work.  I wore jeans, a long dress, two short dresses and one denim skirt w/ a tshirt.  It felt so nice to feel nice…instead of sloppy and unkempt.  We don’t have a dress code here….yoga pants, hoodies, flip flops, runners, whatever you clothe yourself with is acceptable. Only…..after 8 months of wearing yoga clothes to work I started to feel badly about myself….and I don’t need any help in that department.  So I kyboshed the stretchies and wore actual clothes.  Turns out that feels good!

Tonight I’m going to do an hour of motorcycle practice in advance of my training course tomorrow morning (in the wicked heat, great!) and I’m going to get some Dixie cups and popsicle sticks so I can make us wholesome popsicles to help beat the heat (watermelon lime banana and strawberry ginger nectarine are what I’m thinking right now).  I’ll also put on a crock to do chicken bone broth tonight….fill up my broth coffers!  Tomorrow I have motorcycle training which should take about 4 hours including travel time.  Sunday morning I’ll cook our salad proteins and bake the yams earlier in the morning to beat the heat, in the afternoon is Andrea’s baby shower and then we have a gala dinner fundraiser in the evening.  I normally really dislike having more than one thing planned for a weekend….but for some reason I feel alright about this stuff…..maybe because I’m feeling more energetic and calmer?  Whatever, I’ll take it.


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