I went tanning last night…..and burned my ass.  But that’s not really the point of this post.

I’m sure you’ve gotten “scent memories” whether it’s the smell of blooming lilacs that remind you of your gramma’s house or salty air that reminds you of summer vacations or the smell of cut trees that reminds you of Christmas?  Usually they’re “here and gone”, fleeting, those memories.  Last night though I had one go on for a couple of hours.  It was both wonderful and unnerving.  I bought new tanning lotion a couple of weeks ago and only got around to using it last night.  And, last night the standup tanners were occupied so I went into a lay-down bed.

The combination of that particular lotion and the laydown bed caused me to be instantly brought back to the first time I ever went tanning, 7 years ago, when I first started to uncover my true self from under the armour of fat and depression that I was living in.  I remembered being the person who making efforts that deserved celebrating with something blissful.  I remembered being the person who was falling in love (real, proper love) for the first time ever and I remember being scared & excited about it.  I remembered laying in that tanning bed 7 years ago wondering what my life would look like, wondering if I had the drive and determination to push on and see it through.  I remembered how, every day and especially when I was tanning, I was starting to really love my body for what it was right then and for what it was turning into.

I was reminded that evening when I was laying in my own bed afterwards, how for me, going tanning is one of those markers of being in a good place.  It’s a sign of having energy to spare and love for myself and that I’m doing the right things; the things that most respect me and where I am right then.  Maybe I’m not in the perfect body (the one I strive for, not the one I could never achieve) and maybe I’m carrying some extra weight right now….but for me tanning is a sign of ongoing success.  I don’t go tanning when I feel awful about myself, when I’m full of shame or depression.  I don’t go when I’ve been laying on the couch eating crap. It’s only something I do when all my ducks are in line….and the fact that I’m going now makes me really joyful.  It means that I’m starting to be successful in breaking new ground and in letting go of past hurts & resentments.  I’m forging brave new pathways and looking upon the future with a clear heart and mind.   It means that I am gaining back the passion for myself, the desire to care for myself because I am worth caring about.  I have some of that excitement again, the one I last felt 7 years ago; excitement in the everyday and curiosity surrounding the future.

I rode my bicycle to work this morning, here on the first day of spring.  It was 0C (32F) this morning and holy CRAP was it cold!  I had a frost beard when I got to work (all the teeny little peach fuzz hairs on my face had acquired tiny bits of condensation on the uphill and then it froze on the downhill!) and two hours later I still have a chill and am wrapped in three hoodies all zipped together to make a pseudo blanket, LOL!  Maybe a teeeeensy bit too cold for morning commuting….but should be SO nice on the way home tonight!

I have plans to bicycle commute tomorrow as well (that’ll make it three days this week!)…although I might consider wearing full length pants/leggings for the ride down in the AM….and then I think I’ll visit the gym on Saturday morning for some rowing and a steam, I never did get to steam last weekend.  I’m actually considering investing in a rowing machine for at home.  I would dearly LOVE to get 20 minutes of rowing in Every Day but I have a really hard time going to the gym just for 20 minutes….and I don’t really have time during the week while bicycle commuting/recovering, to get there for longer.  It’s around $1200 and is the same one they have at my gym (Concept 2, Model D).  I’m waffling about it and going to sit on the idea for a while and just wait…..the right answer will present itself, it always does.  If you have a rower at home, do you like it?  Do you think it’s worth the money and does it get used?  We also have a full weights set downstairs (plates, dumbells, lat machine, squat rack, ez bar & Olympic bar, yoga ball, balance plate, etc.) that is currently unused and I’m seriously debating adding the rower to the mix, cancelling my rather expensive gym membership and cleaning up and making proper use of the space and equipment.  Again though….I’ll just sit on that idea for now and see what happens.

Anyway, I’m off to try and find more hoodies to string together to add to my insulation since the air conditioner just kicked in and it’s only 19C (66F) in here.

Happy First Day of Spring!  (is it springy in your neck of the woods?  Or still cold and crappy?)


8 thoughts on “Memories

  1. It’s always good to remember where we have come from and how well we have done. When I get flash backs of the past I always wish I could tell myself everything works out in the end. Keep up the good work!

    • Oh, for sure, that little crystal ball would be so nice to have!

      Rarely ever do things not actually work out, right? Maybe not like we planned or wanted but usually things all come around in some way or another.

      Thanks so much for taking the time to comment! 🙂

  2. I loved this post quite a lot. I am so happy (and I’m not gonna lie, a bit jealous) that you’re finding the happy and the content and the joy. Really realizing the past week or so that I’m struggling, stressing, swirling quite a bit and reading this post is definitely uplifting and inspirational. KEEP AT IT, GIRL!!! I’m proud of you.


    • Thanks Tara! My “happy, content and joy” doesn’t look a THING like I expected it to. Nor was I really expecting it to show up anytime soon being that, again, nothing looks right.

      But…..”right” is what it’s supposed to be not what you think it’s supposed to be.

      Remember the little tag I put on my gym bag? Something to the effect of “the thing that screws us up the most is our vision of what it’s supposed to look like”.

      See you in a couple weeks!

  3. What a happy post! Glad to hear you are enjoying your new routine 🙂

    As for feedback, I LOVE my erg. That said, I don’t use it nearly as much as I would like to. I am very good at talking myself out of cardio. On the other hand, I lift alone in my gym and don’t have a gym membership. I think it’s absolutely wonderful and I will probably never go back to a regular gym membership. So nice to just stroll down and workout whenever I feel the tiniest urge to do so.

    • Hey,

      Ya, this is definitely one of the happiest posts I’ve written in awhile. Feeling really good and can’t help but wonder if my little Passion Experiment is partially to “blame”.

      I am seriously giving consideration to doing the gym downstairs. 5am gym with a 1 minute commute vs 4am gym with a 15 minute commute each way….has some perks. Plus, I don’t use all the “fringe” equipment at the gym anyway, just the basics….which we have. Thinking coat of paint and a big mirror and a cleanup and I’ll be ready to go. 🙂

  4. This is such a fabulous post and tanning holds the same symbolism for me. I only reward myself when tanning after a workout, so when I’m my fittest, I’m usually my tannest. Congrats on finding your happy place and biking in that brrrrrr!

    • It’s so nice to hear someone relate to the whole “tanning as part of self respect”!

      Thanks for commenting!

      And yes, yesterday was brutally cold….this morning was warmer just by a couple degrees and what a difference that made! No frost beard! LOL!

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