It’s been a few days since my last post and I’m happy to report that I’ve gained a pound and a half and gone to the gym twice. OK, so I’m not technically “happy” about the gain, but normally, that gained pound and a half would send me into a spiral and an internal rage filled with mean words and hate-face. I’m working very hard on not caring about it. Because? I didn’t do anything to deserve the gain except be a woman and get my period.
What I have done is gone to the gym twice for a total of 2,000 meters rowed and 4 miles run. What I have done is eaten healthy, whole foods. What I have done is gone outside and gone on a date and gone to bed early.
I was emailing with my sister last week and admitted that I have never had balance. I’ve said I’ve had balance….but in reality I swing wildly from one side to the other. No booze, no sugar, no starchy carbs, gym hard four times a week, long & fast dog walk every day. And then, later, when that insanity wears off I swing wildly over to the other side and drink and eat chocolate and barely get off the couch. And to be perfectly honest, regardless of which side the pendulum is on, I can’t say I have ever really been happy with myself. When I’m on the “gym side” I never worked hard enough, never lifted heavy enough, never gave up enough enjoyment to get where I thought I wnted to be. When I was on the “couch side”…well, you can imagine, I was berating myself for having fallen down.
So where do I want to be going forward? I want to be at the gym a couple-three days a week, I want to sit on the sofa and watch my shows on a Saturday afternoon. I want to drink a glass of nice red wine as many nights per week as I feel like (just for health-sake I will limit that to one glass per night) and on the days that I just don’t feel like wine, I’ll drink tea. I want to make brownies and let Ray eat three quarters of them and take one in my lunch as a treat. I want coconut macaroons in the freezer for the long, dark winter nights when we cuddle up on the couch and feel like a treat. I want every meal I eat to be veggie-heavy because I feel better physically when I do that. I want to try yoga. I want to sleep in on Sunday mornings. I want to ride my bicycle to work. I want to sit on the couch on Friday night and listen to music and talk to my man. I. Want. Balance.
I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who can walk their dog up to Starbucks and get a coffee and then walk back home. Fortunately our home is about a mile and a half from a Starbucks, through a gorgeous forest. Unfortunately, I always behave as though I’m on some sort of speed mission and when you always have to be walking at the max of your ability, it’s hard to sip a coffee. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people that can go for a stroll. Why must I always be running, in a rush, not able to enjoy the moment? Because I have no balance. Until now.
So….while it’s only been less than a week, I have been practicing my balance. Yesterday we went to the chiropractor and then out for a coffee. I had a red tea latte and a chocolate pecan tarte (grain free). It was delicious….but so sweet that I stopped myself at the halfway mark and brought the other half home. I’m eating it now with a coffee. Today we walked our dog to the drug store and then came home and decorated the outside of our house for Christmas. It was a tonne of work and between that and our walk, we spent most of the day outside. Now, after doing some precooking as well as making dinner, I’m tanked out on the couch under the electric blanket (with the aforementioned piece of tarte and a coffee).
It feels good. I feel good knowing that on Tuesday I’ll go back to the gym in the morning and it also feels good knowing I get to sleep until 6am tomorrow. It feels good that I didn’t look at the clock or my iphone all day. I feel good that I enjoy my new job and the people I work with. I am happy that I’ve met the people that Ray works with and that they are all really nice, fun people.
I don’t know why I feel different. Maybe it’s knowing that I’m going to treat myself nicely regardless of how far I run or how much I eat or what the scale says? Maybe it’s knowing that I’m going to do the things that are right for my body and my health and my heart?
Maybe, a month before I turn 35, I’m figuring out one of the tricks of life.