What is the cost of your passion? How much time, money and effort are you willing to expend to cultivate and enjoy it? How much are you willing to give up to bring more of what you love into your life?
I found out this morning that the cost of my passion is far more than I can “spend”. I was brutally awakened to the fact that what I want most in life may actually be completely unachievable to me; not for my lack of desire or effort but for basic, boring logistical reasons. What I thought was a brilliant crossover between my skills and history as a working woman and my passion for health and fitness is, in fact, not a brilliant crossover at all. I guess maybe I romanticized a future where I could work in a similar field to where I am now but within the industry that I love. My romantic notions were dashed this morning. Not only would it be a complete scary jump into a totally different industry but it would be an enormous pay cut the likes of which is really just completely absurd. In order to take this other job, I would be taking between a 60% and 76% paycut and working 55% longer hours. Is that realistic? No, it’s not. And it’s upsetting because in 20 minutes this morning, my dreams and desires were dashed.
I keep telling myself that I’ll just have to find another way to keep my passion alive and nurtured from day to day, that one day I’ll find the perfect fit. One day I will find the thing that takes into consideration all of me, all of my skills and all of my passion. This obviously wasn’t the one and the absurd compensation package was maybe just a way of making sure I didn’t take the wrong path.
This crummy news this morning comes on the heels of a not awesome weekend. On Saturday I was in so much pain that I thought I had a stress fracture of my tibia (shin bone). I’ve had shin splints and many different types of muscle strain and injury over the years but I have never felt anything like this. I have/had all the symptoms and risk factors for stress fractures and the pain was fairly severe. After research, ice and Advil over the weekend though, I have re-self-diagnosed myself. I did some huge weights on Friday and targeted my soleus (second-layer calf muscle) in two of them and think that I’d strained and/or inflamed it. I feel a lot better now, so while I guess it is possible that I have a stress fracture, it’s unlikely. What did I learn from this though? That someone who doesn’t consume any dairy might want to invest in a calcium supplement! Done.
I’m very careful to make sure that I eat lots of a variety of veggies and a little bit of fruit (strawberries or mangoes sliced onto salad, mainly) and we eat protein and fat with every meal. Is that enough to satisfy my calcium requirements? I’m really not sure. It’s hard to say what we really need and what the government tells us that we need. Is 1200-1500mg of calcium daily an actual requirement? Or just the government’s way of promoting the subsidized dairy industry? Hard to say. I do take some supplements (plant-based iron, Vit D, Omega 3, B Complex and a plant-silica for hair and nails) so I don’t really mind adding calcium to my regimen, it’s just difficult to say how much. I’d love to have a blood test done and show me where I am for cholesterol and vitamins and minerals….but I don’t really feel like getting into a discussion/argument with my doctor about my personal fringe beliefs. She is not accepting of anything outside of the societal norm. Not. At. All!
Anyway, this weekend, along with a kitchen counter FULL of fresh veggies, I also bought a few new treat items. Bake-dried mango (mango is the ONLY ingredient), some coconut macaroons that were deadly good (6 ingredients, all approved….but 3 of the six are sugar), some coconut chips (holy crap, have you ever?!), some organic flaked coconut and some pear jam with Balinese vanilla (three ingredients: pears, vanilla, sugar). I realize that these treats are all fairly sugar-laden but that’s actually alright. None of them are bingey for me (like chocolate is) and they are all from somewhere almost an hour away so I’ll be savouring these!
Ray is on afternoon shift this week so I’m on my own this week. I was feeling alright about that, I could use some alone time (no marital strife, just a human need to spend time alone) and I need the quiet time to study. Of course now that my job-changing plans are shot I’m far less motivated to study. And by “less motivated” I mean not motivated at all! I have gym T, W, F & Saturday this week and I refuse to let my disappointment keep me from it!