She’s A Long One This Morning!

As I’ve written about, I took my measurements on January 1^st and then stepped away from the scale which up until now has been completely unheard of for me.  You can go back a little ways to the beginning of January and read about the scale getting tossed and how I felt about it.  But let me tell you that it was one of the best things that I have ever done for myself.  No longer am I driven to pay homage to the finicky, narrow minded scale.  Now I just get to do things that feel good because I like them and they’re the right thing to do.  Now I get to eat nutritional foods that bring me enjoyment, health and that fuel hard work at the gym and in my regular life instead of worrying that the banana or the squash is going to drive the number upwards and psyche me out.  It’s all good, a huge relief.  You may think I’m nuts but I am as grateful for tossing the scale as I am every day for my decision 5 years ago to quit smoking.  It doesn’t feel good to be chained to anything whether it’s tobacco or a little blue glowing number every morning. 

I also really liked an idea that I’d had at the end of 2010 to be able to easily see my activity level.  All through 2011 I marked my gym dates and any significant walks down in my date book and then gave them a little green checkmark.  This year I decided I wanted to be able to more easily see my success snowballing week after week so in 2013 all my completed gym dates will be marked in the book and highlit in bright pink.  My main goal for January was to see lots of pink throughout the month.  So how successful was I?

There are 31 days in January and I “pinked” 10 of them!  I went from an exercise “dry spell” (aside from regular dog walking which, for the distance and speed we were going, doesn’t count) to pinking over 30% of a month!   My original goal was to “pink” more than 50% of the month but with our troubles with Snoopy and the fallout which came after, that just was not possible.

So what is the February plan?  Well let’s see.  I’ve pretty much baled on rowing on Monday mornings every day in January except one so that’s clearly a non-starter.  Jogging has been alright but not wonderful, I’ve only made it twice in January for the long indoor treadmill run although I have been jogging outside a very little bit.  Jogging I need to do something better about though because it goes with other things that I want to achieve.  So I’ll keep Saturdays for February….except for the first Saturday in February because I’ll be out of town having some very much needed downtime!  And I’ll definitely be keeping heavy lifting days on Tuesday & Thursday.  I would DEARLY love to add another day in there so I’m going to tentatively mark Wednesday in as a weights day as well.  That gives me heavy lifting on Tues, Wed & Thurs and jogging on Saturday.  I think that I should be alright with that for a month.  It plans in three down days, two of which are in a row.  So once again I’m going to set the goal for over 50% attendance at the gym over the month.   

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I had the post above written out yesterday to publish this morning.  You’ll notice that the tone is somewhat energetic and zippy, forward moving and positive.  Unfortunately that’s not really how I’m feeling at all!

In truth?  I feel awful.  Something isn’t right and it seems to be getting worse each day.  Monday sucked, Tuesday was a little better, Wednesday started out alright and then tanked and today I just feel horrible.  I can’t even specifically describe what my problem is, I just don’t feel right.  Negative and hateful and sad and tired and a little depressed.  I’m foggy and overwhelmed and a bit numbed feeling.  It comes in waves and it’s kicking the crap out of me. 

I’ve always been a very perceptive person and while sometimes that’s a bit of a curse, in the case of figuring out your physiology, it’s a total blessing!  I can usually pinpoint what is causing me the issues and then make a change.  This time though, it’s like I’m trying to listen but with cotton in my ears.  The one thing that I do keep hearing over and over when I ask the “what is the matter with me?” question, is “CREATINE”. 

Part of my poor feeling has to do with the fact that I have become so bloated and uncomfortable in the last four days that I could cry.  My pants don’t fit, my ring doesn’t fit, I can SEE the water retention in every part of my body.  Creatine also can cause increased anxiety which I really don’t need ever, let alone right now.  I chose to take a buffered version of the supplement because everything pointed to it not having any of the side effects that creatine monohydrate can have, bloat, anxiety, cramping etc.  Having done further research yesterday and going away from the bodybuilding forums/websites and into the medical and scientific websites and plowing through all the jargon, it seems that there is no appreciable difference between the two in water gain, overall well feeling or muscle gain.  No appreciable difference.  Which means that the bloating and increased ill feeling that I’m having I am going to attribute to the new supplement and stop taking it immediately.  I have such a sensitive system, I can completely see my body not responding well to an additive that is supposed to make it do something outside of whatever is natural. 

I feel pissed off and annoyed that I thought I could give myself an edge to get better results faster.  Have I learned NOTHING from the last year of doing grain free and trying to get closer to a natural existence?  Obviously I needed to learn this lesson again.  I am good enough the way I am and if I want to make changes or improvements, the only thing that will get me there is dedication, hard work and time.  Creatine was supposed to cut down on the “time” portion a bit and enhance the “hard work” portion.  But it’s so not worth it.

Today is my one year anniversary of going grain free.  Today marks the spot in the road where a year ago I decided to go “against the grain” (haha) and do what my body was telling me that it needed.  I heard it loud and clear and went forward and I will never, ever look back.  The things that I have gained over this year are priceless to me, they’re my foundation and my propulsion forward.  I am so sorry though, that after a year of pretty much feeling great that today, on my anniversary date, I feel like such a bag of crap.  I guess what that tells me is that this is ongoing, a constant learning and adjusting experiment.  That nothing is ever static, things change and I have to change and learn and try with it. 

I realize this has been a really long post so if you’ve made it this far, congratulations!  There’s no prize here at the end, just me.  😉

Tomorrow after work we head out on our weekend away, pictures on Instagram (ladyshanny) and Twitter (@prettybikr).  I’m going to use this weekend away as a line in the sand.  I’m going to relax and enjoy and eat chips and drink wine and cherish my hubby.  I’m also going to drink lots of water and walk around and take a nap and eat healthy food.  It’s a 3.5 hour trip up that I’m going to use to flip my switch out of this month of heartache and struggle…and a 3.5 hour trip back that I’m going to use to center myself, clear my head and get back in my game!

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