Is it possible to feel better in one day? Probably not. But maybe? It’s probably not possible to feel completely and 100% totally awesome after having felt like crap for a long while and then finally admitting to yourself that things are pretty sucky right now. But maybe it’s possible to feel like the spinning has slowed? Like you’re no longer swirling around in a perpetual flush?
I’m very, incredibly, God-sendingly terrifically blessed that I have a supportive hubby who, instead of tossing my “I think I’m depressed” statement aside, stood beside me and read my plan and made suggestions. Whether he secretly thinks I’m acting like a crackpot or not, he did and said the right things yesterday and now I don’t have to worry about him finding out that I’m not feeling all puppies and rainbows all the time (yep, that was weighing on me).
I think my little world has gotten so complicated feeling and that I, a little bit, forgot that I’m just a person with feelings. I’m no one’s savior and I’m no one’s hero. I’m not bullet proof, my feelings get hurt. I’m not filled with boundless energy, I can’t do everything by myself (nor do I, but sometimes I feel like I should). I try to fix my poor feelings with chocolate and sugar and alcohol and I sometimes wish for pizza and macaroni/hamburger casserole. I wish I had more money and more time and less worry.
I’ve said before that I need to go back to basics but all I ever meant by that was that I needed to cram my current self back into a mold that worked previously. I believed that by hurtling myself into something that has worked in the past and during which I felt good about things, that it would automatically and magically fix whatever was currently ailing. This time, my Pause Button has been pressed and I’m clearing up the clutter and uncovering the simplistic version of who I am and have always been. I’m going to throw out all the things that don’t work for me anymore, the things that don’t support me. I’m going to bring closer the things that make me feel good and strong and nourished. I don’t want a home here in darkness, I don’t want to keep any souvenirs from these months that have been trying and difficult. They’re all getting chucked out!
Ray is out of town this week and while I will miss him, I’m kind of glad he’s gone for a couple of days. It gives me a chance to reset myself without anyone else looking on. It gives me a chance to slow down in some aspects and speed up in some. I’ve decluttered my desk at work, filed everything, done my Later Pile and am completely up to date. I have a vague plan for when I get home this afternoon which will include a long, cool walk in the park with my dog, a good dinner that is already made and some cleaning and decluttering of our home environment.
I feel…..sad still….and lost and numb and irritated and a bit depressed. But I also feel like there’s no one and nothing making me stay here, there’s freedom to be had and all I have to do is walk towards it….one little step at a time.