Pause Button

It is possible, after some self reflection and some chatting with my very good friend, that I could be toeing the line of depression.  Things that once interested me or sparked my passion don’t really hold the same appeal, my sleep habits and dreams are troubled and I find myself just going through the motions.  I’m irritable and have rather high anxiety for things that shouldn’t bother me so much. 

Right now I feel like my real life, the one I want to be living is all bright and in colour on the other side of a weird, dingy gray wall.  I know it’s over there, I know I’m over there, I just need to find a crack in the wall and bust through.

I suppose that I am fortunate that I’m self aware enough to notice this at the beginning before things get too far out of hand.  I truly don’t think I need medication to get through this, but denial is a great way of letting things spin further out of control and be harder to fix later. 

I’ve put together a Four Week Plan that is achievable and is baby-steps to get that dingy gray wall out of the way so that I can move forward into the light.  My plan starts today (because tomorrow never comes) and goes through October 21st.  I will defend my plan and my goals at all costs this time because if I can’t get through this by following a natural plan then I don’t know that I’ll really have a choice but to get a bit of chemical help.

I have suffered with depression in the past, not for long and it was not debilitating, I’m very grateful for that.  I do know what it feels like though and I also know that the part of me that fights is still kicking.  There are some things that I have been doing which do NOT help and some things I haven’t been doing which DO help. 

I won’t be on the blog much over the next four weeks however on Mondays I will post the week’s “agenda” and be honest about how I did the one before.

Now that I know my spark is actually in danger, it’s serious and I have four weeks to relight it.  Wish me luck!

WEEK ONE:  September 24 – 30

  • No sugar, sweetener, honey, chocolate
  • No potatoes
  • 4km (or more) walk 6 out of 7 days
  • Lights out at 8:50pm
  • No eating after 7pm (decaf tea is exception)
  • 3 water bottles + 1 tea (or 4 water)

I don’t view this as a failure of any sort.  Depression (or the start of it) is not a failure, it’s a reality of the expedited lives that we lead.  It’s the result of car accidents and big life changes and weather, it’s hormonal and chemical.  It’s high expectations, other people’s low opinions, conflict and turmoil.  Sometimes there’s enough of everything going on at one time that you need to push the pause button and take a step back.  I really believe that my pause button will be these next four weeks, focusing on what I need to do to press Play again.  It’s possible that my Pause button will be medication based….but I’m going to give myself a chance first.

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4 thoughts on “Pause Button

  1. Hi Pookie!
    So sorry you’re feeling this way! It’s not surprising given the hand our family is dealing with right now and the change of seasons etc…
    Your plan sounds great and perfectly reasonable… my only concern is that you don’t have anything in there about your feelings or your brain or your emotions… Maybe you have it in your plan and you’re just not posting it, but if you don’t, give your mind as much attention as you’re giving your body… meditation, relaxation, bubble baths, good books etc… You can only drive your body to repair your situation so much without also helping yourself heal your mind.
    Love you!

    • Thanks for the comment, you haven’t called me Pookie in forever! OMG, am I dying? (just kidding!)

      I get the need to care for the mind to help to drive change but personally I have my most amount of clarity and freshness and rejuvenation when I’m DOING. Laying in the bathtub reading books is escapism, and as nice as it is, it doesn’t actually change anything. I’m actually not burnt out, either, if I was I could definitely see the connection between recovery and relaxation. I am the furthest from burned out that I’ve ever been, mostly because I’m not doing anything. I need to take action to change the tide, not let it wash over me while I’m meditating.

      I fully believe that whatever I’m dealing with right now is situational and seasonal. I also believe that if I just sit here and wait for it to go away, I’m going to be in trouble.

      I really appreciate that you sent such a thoughtful comment and I’m not trying to be disagreeable….just conversational. 😉

  2. Ugh, that’s such a shit feeling. Good on you though for being self aware and for not just settling in and dragging through the darkness, which would be less work and easier and what most people would do. I like your plan and I support you fully. Am always here with an ear if ever you need it.

    • It would be easier to just sit down and let the fight go. But I don’t want to live here, I don’t want to build a home on this darker side. I need to get the hell out of here, one little step at a time! Who knows, maybe I’ll need medication….but then again, maybe two weeks from now I’ll be feeling much better, four weeks from now everything could be right again. Don’t know except to try!

      Thank you so much for your support, it means the world!

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