Being a former fatty and someone who will always have a weight issue lurking in the background ready to leap, I always thought that I would be so happy if there ever came a day when I could maintain my weight, not count calories and not really put forth any real effort. What I’ve realized is that in the last 5 months or so (not a hugely long time but it seems like forever) I’ve “achieved” that and in the last month the shine has completely worn off and now I just feel like I’m stagnating, like I’m falling apart on the inside. The outside is still the same but the inside feels like it’s wasting away. I feel like it wouldn’t take long for the outside to start showing how the inside feels, regardless of whether I’m wearing the same pants or not.
It’s not really about any one thing in particular, just that I am not experiencing any personal challenge with which to grow myself, learn myself and strengthen myself. I do, of course, have personal challenges in my life: family, money, relationship etc; but I’m not actually challenging myself personally in any way at the moment. I’m coasting.
Part of it is the incredible Indian Summer we’re having (which is expected to carry on through the end of October) because it’s at odds with the crisp, fresh restart that usually comes in September. Summer-Shanny is still drinking on patios and reading on sun decks and going camping. Fall/Winter-Shanny hasn’t had the opportunity to get going on anything and the two of them are at odds.
I’ve been craving challenge and subsequent success. I’ve been craving the way I feel when I do something consistently that most people don’t do. I’ve been craving discomfort and the bliss of relaxation that is earned. Seriously, who craves discomfort????? There’s parts of who I am that I’m really missing right now and it’s becoming a bit depressing. I have no goals to work towards at the moment and no limits to test. Everything is just….fine…..which turns out is not actually that great a place to be. I’m missing out on sparking myself up and kicking some ass. I’m missing out on being the Me that I am when I’m driving myself for no other reason than because I can. I thought I was content….but content has taken a turn down a dark alley and is quickly catching up with complacent.
The best way for me to challenge myself and to cultivate the part of me that I’m missing is with exercise. A car accident in May derailed me slightly. Getting our dog in July derailed me completely. Illness, summer heat waves, alcohol, family, vacation, shift work and general laziness have all started pushing me towards an place where I can’t even see the rail let alone get back on it easily. The trouble is? My personal fire is stoked by personal challenge, it’s fed by determination and unwavering commitment to a goal or a plan. The fire isn’t out yet but it sure feels like it’s dwindling. I need to lay some kindling on, scrunch up some newspapers, throw on a bit of fuel and get that mother going!