Anyone who has ever struggled with their weight or fitness knows this feeling so try to cast your mind/self to the place where I was last night. I got home and true to my word changed into proper exercise clothes and then dragged my fat ass (*) up the miniscule incline of my street towards the park, sweating and cursing under my breath and telling myself over and over and over and over, “Tomorrow won’t be different, tomorrow won’t be easier, tomorrow never comes.”. This was interspersed with telling myself that the epic amount of chocolate that I have eaten over the last month caused this, my lack of self control caused this and any discomfort I felt with myself or my efforts was completely deserved and probably should have been amplified ten-fold just for being a big idiot.
I probably didn’t really do myself any favours when I got dressed for this either, I wore shorts that have never been comfortable and possibly the most unflattering exercise top I have. My underwear was crawling up my ass the entire time, my Shuffle had died so I had to carry my iPhone in my hand the entire way and it was very humid and close in the park. All that negativity aside though, I did the best I could and finished strong. It was only 4 kilometers and I didn’t time myself (that wasn’t the point) and I had to walk a lot of it. But when I got home after my “end of the run, down my own street sprint” I was very impressed with how quickly my heart rate and breathing came back to normal. My back and legs were pretty sore last night but this morning I feel fine. Today after work I’m doing a 5.5km walk/jog with the focus on walking, rain or shine.
(*) Note, my referral to my fat ass is subjective, of course. Fat is a state of mind as much as a state of body as far as I’m concerned. I am in my acceptable weight range, at the low end of it, even, and yet I feel/felt as uncomfortable within myself as I ever did when I was 100 pounds heavier. The toxicity and lack of self respect doesn’t discriminate over size or body fat percentage, it is as real for me now as it was back then and even though I don’t need to shed weight to build a healthier body anymore, the work and effort is as real and urgent to my mental health as it ever was to the physical.
When I got home from my park mission yesterday I checked the mail and was very excited to find a little box stuffed in my mailbox. It was “Leaf” that I ordered from Noelle Munoz Jewelry and it is beautiful!! The craftsmanship is incredible, her attention to detail and excellence just blew my mind, even the wrapping that it came in is top end. Really a nice experience from start to finish.
My insane cravings for chocolate and sugar and sweets yesterday (and the pissy mood and snarky tongue that came with it) led me to believe that detoxing is exactly what I needed to start. When I had to run to the grocery store before dinner for some veggies for lunches I was by myself in the house and a little concerned that I would cave and buy a chocolate bar or something equally as sugary. I held strong though because tomorrow isn’t any easier than today. If it’s difficult today, just do it and push through, it does not get easier tomorrow. So, veggies and a couple apples and I was on my way out the door, successful and strong. Win!
Happy weekend, hopefully we hear something this weekend about Olive, we still don’t have her and now my emails to the rescue agency aren’t being returned so I’m leaning toward wondering if the current owner has changed their mind about giving her up. Fingers crossed that we hear something so that we can either get her or move forward!