Morning! Apologies again for the radio-silence and many, MANY thanks to you who commented and checked up on me. While I sort of stopped responding for awhile, please know it really meant the world to me!
I’ve been trying to write a post in my head for about a week now but I keep coming back to the fact that I feel like a bit of a fraud. I’m not saying any of this to get sympathy or nice comments, it just is. People keep telling me, here on this blog, via text and in person that I have strength and determination and that I’m tough. I suppose some of that could be true under regular circumstances. What you see right now though, that’s the highlight reel. And just like a couple of months ago when I had to start sharing the failures and successes in order to be more real and possibly more relatable, I have to do it now. So let me give you the embarassing, not-tough low down on what’s been going on.
Admission #1 ~ Ray is away for 6 days, he left on Tuesday. As he drove out of the driveway I had an anxiety attack.
Admission #2 ~ I go to bed in his pajamas for some comfort while he’s gone (they actually recommend that for people with sleep disturbances, sleep in spouse’s jammies/undershirt so that you can smell him in your subconscious. It’s supposed to be comforting).
Admission #3 ~ I haven’t slept through the night without drugs since May 3. I’m frigging exhausted.
Admission #4 ~ I’ve eaten a ridiculous amount of ice cream to try and make myself feel better. It hasn’t worked and yet I keep trying.
Admission #5 ~ In a moment of non-clarity I decided to cut my own hair (bangs). Fortunately I didn’t get very far before I realized the error of my ways and my hairdresser fixed it.
Admission #6 ~ In order to soothe myself I drank a bottle of rather expensive wine. It didn’t work and I ended up down a bottle and up a headache.
There are more. I won’t bore you. I went to my chiropractor (whom I love and owe everything to) and was bawling my eyes out on Wednesday because it’s been two weeks, it was JUST a car accident and yet I’m still feeling like crap, still on edge, not eating properly, losing weight (muscle, not fat = bad!) and not sleeping. He gave me a few facts that explain a lot.
Not So Fun Fact #1 ~ When you get whacked in a car accident, your Vagus Nerve gets injured. This is the nerve that runs from your brain all the way down your spine. It’s the lifeline of your Central Nervous System. It controls the parasympathetic and sympathetic parts of the nervous system. Where that Vagus Nerve gets clobbered is different for everyone.
Not So Fun Fact #2 ~ I’ve felt like I was going to throw up every day since the accident. It made eating anything rather unappealing. On Wednesday I lamented this to Dr Chiropractor (I’d never thought to mention it before) and he immediately laid me on my back and pushed his fingers into my stomach just below my rib cage. While he was “talking to” the nerves that run through there he explained that the upset Vagus Nerve caused other upset nerves (thoracic spinal nerve 10) and that they caused a “blockage” in impulse flow in my digestive system. He does a couple maneuvers to assure the nerves that everything is alright and to go back to normal and 30 seconds later, fixed. (I really love my chiropractor).
Not So Fun Fact #3 ~ I still don’t feel like eating. I’m actually apathetic towards food altogether and that’s Vagus Nerve’s fault also. Apparantly you can get to a point (after a decent amount of stress) where your Vagus Nerve shuts off the desire for food altogether in order to focus on other issues. Apparantly it’s not a good situation and Dr Chiro has warned me about it. As a former fatty, you would think that this is a God-send “condition”, no worries about overeating or gaining weight because you have absolutely no interest in food, YAY, finally some good news! It’s not good news. Your body can’t recover from stress, anxiety or injury if you don’t feed it. Fortunately one of the easiest things to stomach when you’re not feeling great is fat. And also fortunately I am a “fat-burner” from being on a grain free diet for 5 months and my body is accustomed to using fat for fuel. So, I’ve been eating avocados and eggs, smoked salmon and coconut butter, lots of tea with coconut milk in it and random handfuls of cashews.
So there you go, the state of my world. Now on to some better news, since there’s always good with bad, right?
Cheer #1 ~ I’ve been cleared by my chiropractor to return to the gym beginning of next week. No jogging yet and weights at 50% of where I was prior to the accident and build from there as is comfortable. SO HAPPY!
Cheer #2 ~ I’ve been cleared by my doctor to return to work on Tuesday. I’m not sure how that’s going to work with my shoulder injury and sitting at a computer all day since my hand still falls asleep all the time but I’m so glad to go back to some degree of normalcy! He was willing to write me off of work for up to 8 weeks until that nerve heals. That felt like a death sentence and I opted for “go back to work and assess how you feel” instead. Two months of sitting at home doing nothing? Shoot me!
Cheer #3 ~ I am going to pick up George (Ray’s ex wife’s dog) in about 10 minutes. He’s a good boy and I’m looking forward to someone to go for walks with for the next 4 days.
SUPER Cheer #4 ~ The new car that I bought wasn’t supposed to be in until mid June. It’s here today and I’m going to pick it up this afternoon. (I am so happy for that………….and Ray will be so excited, he’s out of cell range and won’t know it came in until he gets home on Monday night….Surprise!)
I have a post it note full of fun things and cool products to tell you guys about. If I can just get some sleep and eat a frigging salad, I’ll feel much better and be back with regularity.