I Vant To Be Alone.

I’m really craving some…..alone time….down time….quiet time….all of the above?  Normally I am refreshed when we have quiet time in our house in the evenings, Ray being on days is perfect for that, we have a drink together when I get home, make dinner together and then spend the evening doing whatever.  I always go to bed an hour before he does so we sort of both get our time to ourselves.  But this week and last, things have been in such turmoil, the emotional upheaval has been crazy.  I just need…….some space.  When I got home last night I came up the stairs and Ray was sitting on the sofa, his whole face soaked with tears………he’d gone and picked up Brandy’s ashes.  Now…I realize that it’s just a dog that’s gone, not a human.  But she was a member of our little family and it’s hurting Ray tremendously that she’s gone, and Ray’s pain is hurting me tremendously….only this is his painful loss, not so much mine and that means that right now I need to be there to support him and whatever he’s going through.  I know what it’s like to suffer a loss to a much greater degree than those around you and have those people diminish your pain with their histrionics.  So we won’t be going there.

I feel like crap today, aside from my overwhelming urge to go and sit somewhere alone for a few hours and just be quiet, my skin is the sahara, my lips are all cracked and my excema is flaming.   I’m freezing and although I had a great sleep last night, I’m exhausted.  Super.
Tonight I have Workout B at the gym after work (this ought to be good, youtube to the rescue!) and as soon as I get home (or possibly before I actually arrive home) Judy (ex wife) is coming over.  As much as it’s become a little easier to all be social with each other and as much as I have no trust issues with Ray, it does not sit well with me when she comes over and I’m not there.  Don’t ask me why…I don’t know, it just bothers me.  So tonight I’ll be at the gym and then come home and Judy will be there (with George, yay!).  Eventually when she leaves, dinner and lunches will need to get made and cleaned up and then the evening is over, it’s bedtime.  Friday we are going for dinner with Ray’s mom.  Saturday during the day Ray wants to go to Mission for an errand and then we’re doing dinner & a movie with our motorcycle club.  And then Sunday is groceries and errands and getting ready for the work week. 
Next Friday I have the day off and am going to go across the line and do some shopping.  Tara and my sister are both unavailable; I was going to invite my mom to go with me for the day but I really think I just need to spend the day alone. 
Yesterday I had my breakfast smoothie at 6am, my snack salad at 9:30 and then I just didn’t feel like eating after that.  I didn’t get hungry or tired or anything but around 2 I thought I should eat so I had an apple, some smoked salmon and some almonds and could barely choke it down.  So strange.  Although!  I was telling Tara the other day that sometimes I feel like my body needs a fast once a week.  Not long, just breakfast in the morning and then nothing until dinner.  This is the third week out of 4 that this has happened where I’ve not eaten during the day just for the one day.  I’m fairly religious about listening to my body so I don’t personally see any issue or harm with doing this once a week.  I know there are lots of people out there who do it regularly, it’s called Intermittent Fasting.  I’m not setting a schedule to it like some people do/recommend because I would fear that if fasting day was on Wednesday but I was really hungry on one Wednesday, forcing myself to do the mini-fast would be going against what my body is asking for and that sort of defeats the whole purpose.  On those days when my body just doesn’t want any intake, I’ll listen.  Seems to be happening about once a week.
So tonight I head to the gym for the first run of Workout B.  My arms are already so sore from Workout A on Monday that I’m curious how this is going to work out but this is how the program is designed so I’ll run with it for now. 

2 thoughts on “I Vant To Be Alone.

  1. Well I have to say I admire you for keeping up the good fight (eating well and working out) during such an turmultuous emotional upheaval. I know how exhausting this is.

    I hope that the workouts give you some release and that things start to come around soon.

    Always here for you… xo

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