Most of us go through life wanting things. Material things, emotional things, sometimes we just want a lack of things to do or think about. But once in awhile we are presented with something that we really need and that has more value than you can imagine.
For me, I spend a bit of time wanting and wishing for my partner to be someone he’s not. Not in a bad way, I love him dearly….but I wish/want for more spontaneous affection, more gratitude, more understanding. Don’t get me wrong, I get what I need most days but of course we all wish for or want something that we don’t necessarily get.
These past few days have been so difficult for me, if someone would have told me that these events were going to take place I never would have believed it would have such a profound effect on me. The silver lining in these gloomy days? The amazing amount of support that I am getting from my honey. The dinner making, the back rubbing, the how’syourday-asking, the wine at the door when I get home, the offer for long walks just the two of us. The thank yous and the laughs, the quiet discussions about the current situation. At first I thought perhaps he’d been taken over by aliens, all of this behaviour being extremely out of character for him. But I think? I’m being given exactly what I need. It’s nothing that I even overly want right now, I’m so stressed out and panicked at the moment that I can barely reciprocate, a long walk is the last thing on my mind and instead of watching a movie marathon I’d rather be asleep in bed or staring catatonically at a wall. But he’s giving me what I need whether I can vocalize it or not.
Maybe it won’t last, that’s alright. I’m a tough cookie most of the time and even when I think I think I need taking care of, it’s really only what I want. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t get what they want, they should and you should always practice continual improvement. All I’m saying this time is that I am insanely grateful that I now know, when I truly need that helping hand and extra love, that it’s there and I don’t have to ask for it.
Now, all hocus pocus about need vs want aside, it could also be much simpler than that. Maybe it’s just me. One of my Continual Improvement items from the New Year was to be less naggy and more nurturey. Also, since around the middle of December I have been striving to be mellower and not so quick to snap/bite. Maybe it’s a result of it me being less erratic and prickly that means it’s easier for Ray to affectionize me? Whatever it is, I’ll take it!
Even though I had plans to go spinning at 6:30 last night, when I walked in the door, Ray was standing in the entrance (who knows how long he sat on the stairs waiting for me) with a small glass of wine for me. We sat in the entrance and chatted for awhile about the day and then he asked me if I wanted to change my clothes and go for a long walk together. I debated for a moment because no matter how long the walk it would never be equivilant to a spinning class. But……my heart sang when he asked me. The thought of putting on comfortable clothes and toques and mitts and going for a hand in hand evening walk before dinner had so much value to me that I could’ve cried. We walked about 2km up to a Starbucks in our neighborhood, shared a coffee sitting outside in the dusk and then walked home and made dinner together. Maybe it doesn’t seem like much to anyone reading this, maybe other people do this all the time. But yesterday, in the middle of turmoil, in the middle of a two week graveyard run for Ray, in the middle of my TOM and in the middle of the week it was an unexpected gift. I wanted to go to spinning but I needed that evening with my man, just the two of us.
I leave you today with a picture that is what I wish I was looking at, the blue sky while laying in my backyard….we’re still a few months away from that but it’s nice to dream!