Rightfully or not, I’ve been feeling under attack lately. Maybe it’s my own paranoia and too much self involved thinking that makes me believe that people spend more time thinking about and disliking me than they actually do. But….I was attacked last week by a co-worker for an ‘infraction’ that definitely didn’t constitute her insane overreaction. After a very short (and I mean short both in length and tone) conversation with her about borrowing her key to a manager’s office, she came back into my department, towered over me and started yelling at me that I was a child, that I had no ability to communicate, that any discomfort that I might have felt over the initial conversation was my problem. She was vibrating she was so mad and the conversation ended with her repeatedly pointing her finger into my face. Afterwards, I could not stop crying. Seriously…I wanted to….but couldn’t. I’m a strong enough person though, I put it behind me. But over the last few days, different instances have come up where, it has occurred to me that perhaps I really am the bitch that people seem to think that I am. I’m not overly upset about it though.
You see, “bitch” is a word that I actually do accept about myself….because I think that the majority of people that you encounter in your daily life are intimidated, scared of, confused by and not accepting of people who are in charge of their lives. They don’t know what to do with people who take the hard road. They don’t know how to interact with people who refuse to lay down….either to other people or to themselves. And I think that that sort of fear and discomfort doesn’t easily fit in to most people’s emotional matrix and so they have to put you into a spot that they understand; “Bitch!”.
So what about me makes people so uncomfortable that I can’t seem to just have an easy relationship with people I come across? Let’s see;
First, I don’t care to have any relationship with the majority of people. Not the sort that society demands that you have. I don’t do fake and I don’t pretend to care. That tends not to be the social norm though. It makes me appear standoffish and rude. I’m not. I just don’t think a business interaction requires me to know what your neighbor’s best friend’s kid dressed up as for Halloween and then pretend to care.
Second, I believe my time and my money are valuable and I can be very free with them. Because of that, I don’t accept shit. Not in products or service. I’m not averse to politely pointing out where my expectations have not been met when it is my hard earned money or valuable time that is taking the hit and then expecting that the error be corrected. And if that doesn’t work, I am also not averse to notching it up.
Third, I don’t do things I don’t want to do. For the most part. Obviously in my relationship and my life there are things that I do that I don’t super love but that need to be done. But invite me to drive 45 minutes on a weeknight in the dark and rain to go for coffee? No thanks. Go eat at a restaurant that I don’t enjoy just because it’s the polite thing to do? No thanks….see point 2 above regarding money and time.
Fourth, I don’t believe that I should feel any great discomfort for something just so that someone else doesn’t have to. Everyone has sucky days and bad traffic and money troubles, we all do. I take mine in stride and I believe that everyone else should deal with their own shit. In whatever way that they need to but I don’t think that I should have to take on anyone else’s burden unless it’s something that I want to do. By this I mean, why should I suffer so you don’t have to?
And finally, I have assigned importance in my life to things that are hard. I may struggle and groan about it and some days it doesn’t always work out. I think that people who inately take the easy road find the people who take the hard road distasteful.
So, in order to be someone who ‘fits in’ with everyone, I would simply have to be fake in my reactions to people so that they believe that I deeply care what colour they painted their walls before they’ll provide me with a document I need. I would also need to accept mediocre products and services with a smile, go to every event that I’m invited to whether I want to or not, go out of my way to make sure that everyone else that I come into contact with has the easiest journey possible regardless of whether that impacts my enjoyment of my own life. And finally I would have to give up. On everything that is difficult or uncomfortable.
So….super. I think I’d rather be a bitch.