Of wine. One hour of talking and one bottle of wine and some apparant understanding between Ray and I as it relates to his ex wife. So why, this morning, do I feel completely defeated, like I sold out on my values and morals and am now a doormat. Maybe it’s what my sister said in the comments yesterday, because I don’t want to let anyone else win? My version of winning has her vaporizing in a puff of black smoke, never to darken our door or set my teeth on edge again. Obviously that’s not the sort of winning that I can have. Obviously. So why then, do I feel like I lost? I didn’t lose….I made the best of a bad situation. Right?
Our conversation last night went amazingly well, we were both calm, no one cried, we were honest with each other and both of us discussed how we feel about certain situations. We also discussed that this new understanding applies only to UNAVOIDABLE CIRCUMSTANCES….birthdays, funerals, weddings. It does not give her carte blanche to come over whenever she likes, for Ray to invite her in for coffee without privately consulting me first. I still want her to stop calling our house all the time, I want her to STOP calling our house only when she knows I’m not going to be home (and the same for coming over). Ray figures that she’s just trying to avoid me….I said that everytime she does that, those shards of glass that I have to swallow get sharper and then, so does my mood/attitude. He says I probably make her uncomfortable….I said “Good.” and if she needs to come over/make contact then she has to do it when I’m there, discomfort for her or not.
Ray had to call his daughter last night also….since the way that things were handled when Ray called Judy the night before and asked her not to come did not sit well with Andrea….and she has the potential to cause a lot of problems for us if she decides that’s the way she wants to go. When Ray called her last night her biggest issue was that she didn’t understand why everything seemed perfectly fine at the wedding and that now it’s not. Ray had to explain to her that the ‘perfectly fine’ at the wedding was an enormous amount of work and caused great issue in our relationship and that certain things afterward were not taken care of like they should have been and that’s part of what is going on now. I’m impressed with him because he took it all on himself when he was smoothing things over with her. Ray will also be calling his ex wife this weekend and getting together for coffee with her (at my request) and resetting the new boundaries for going forward. He said that in fairness to her, before me, he always encouraged her to come over, see the dog, see the kids etc. He never refused her if she brought cooking or baking over. And when I showed up, we dated for awhile before I moved in and to her there was no difference. Now there’s a big difference and she hasn’t made the shift. So, in the interest of goodwill and calmness in our universe, I asked him to go for coffee with her and explain that the request for her not to come to dinner the other night may have been handled poorly (it wasn’t, but we have dealt with that in our own relationship) and that yes, we can all be in the same room together for birthdays and funerals and weddings. He’s also going to explain though that while that’s all very nice and well, she shouldn’t be calling the house (especially when she knows I’m not home), she should never be calling the house after 8pm at night, she shouldn’t be dropping by unannounced etc. Yes, we can all be in the same room together but we’re not all best buddies, some of this is new boundaries that are going to have to be respected.
Anyway, after our conversation last night, we made and ate dinner and then Ray offered to take me on my favourite date…Chapters. I love going to Chapters at night and wandering around the store, letting my mind and hands drift and dust jackets, reading snippets and browsing magazines. We separate at the front door and then wind our way back to each other and for whatever reason it’s one of my favorite things to do together. I bought two new books last night. I haven’t been excited about my reading list lately and now I want to tear through the book I’m on to get going on the new ones!
Tomorrow is a day off here in British Columbia, it’s Remembrance Day (the day we remember our veterans and what they did for us…at 11:11am on 11/11/11). We will take a moment of silence at that time and be grateful for all of our freedoms and luxuries and remember how blessed we are. We’re going on a little road trip tomorrow, we’re taking a drive to a town that is about 4 hours away so that we can buy the best, most delicious peach pie and the gooiest most sugary cinnamon bun in the whole world. And then we’re driving 4 hours back home. Saturday I have spinning (which I have to go to, especially since I skipped spinning last night in favour of doing a little relationship housekeeping) and then the AGM for our motorcycle group. Sunday I think we might go for a picnic if the weather is nice.
Tonight I am SUPPOSED to be getting my hair cut….yep, missed last week due to horrific traffic accident. This hair cut is now 3 weeks late and I can almost audition for the role of sheepdog in the next big movie! And then I’m treating myself to sushi for dinner (Ray is dining with his mom tonight).
Love List ~ November 10, 2011
Sushi (I’m anticipating loving this one!)
Understanding among partners
Freedom to do, wear, say and vote however I choose
I’m just catching up on your blog and realizing how long it’s been since I’ve read it (or any blog for that matter)! I am looking forward to your next update, and hearing how this is all panning out for you.