It’s Who I Am.

I think sometimes that there is a value in the ability to conform, to not rock the boat, to blend in, to not be ‘that’ person.  I often do conform and try to just get along with whatever situation I’m in.  I’m not a stink-maker, I don’t make people bend to my wishes or cater to me. 
However, more than that I think that it’s important to know and accept who you are at your core.  There are certain things about each of us, some good and some bad, that no matter what we try to do, they are woven into the fabric of who we are and we aren’t likely to get rid of them without ripping out the whole design. 
Last night at 5:30 when we were just starting to make dinner, Ray realized that at 6:15 the last Wednesday Night Group Ride of the season was leaving.  Given that we are busy people and that we’ve had a rather marginal summer, we have not been on many of the Wednesday Night Rides…Ray’s been a couple of times alone and I’ve been… times.  He wanted to go….but only if I would go with him.  And in order to make it simpler/quicker/easier, he offered to let me be his passenger…which he knows I like sometimes as a break from being responsible for myself…especially in a large group.  ANYWAY, he also promised me that because it would be dark early (and cold), that we would be home between 8 and 9 because he knew that if we were home any later, I wouldn’t go.  One of my fabric-woven things is that my bedtime is 9pm.  I’ve had a 9pm bedtime since I was 12.  I have often tried to change it, to gradually make it later, to force myself to stay up later but to no avail.  Work nights I am ready for bed at 9pm and it doesn’t do any of us any good to try to stretch that out.
The whole dumb ride story doesn’t matter….what matters is that I cannot help who I am and when it’s 8:30pm and we haven’t been served our post-ride dessert and we’re still a 45 minute ride from home, it’s time to go.   When I know that upon arriving home I still have to clean up the dinner that we abandoned and make my lunch, I get my panties in a twist.  Ray asked me to go on the ride…..he didn’t just say “Do you want to go?”, he said “Would you please come?” and I can’t say no to that.  But when it’s time to go, it’s time to go.
It may seem like a petty thing, why I can’t just forget about the time for one evening.  To me, to who I am it’s not a petty thing.  It’s something that I’m not willing to change.  I need to be home for bedtime, to have things ready for the next day, my lunch made, clothes ready, to have the kitchen clean, the coffee set, my hair combed and my teeth brushed and then off to bed.  It’s who I am, I’m a planner and a schedule follower and prepare-er. 
I know it probably bugs Ray….that when a particular time rolls around it’s time to go….he would probably really like to stay….however he’s not working and I am.  However there are things about him that I don’t particularly relish but it’s part of his fabric.  This is part of mine.
Rant over.
PS.  Weigh in yesterday was a successful 2.4 pounds down!  Total 4.0 over three weeks.

1 thought on “It’s Who I Am.

  1. It’s funny you should write this… this last few days I’ve been in a course that focused for two days on who we are as individual people… what values motivate us… are we emotionally motivated, action motivated, or details motivated… It’s interesting and I can share my chart thing with you if you want to do it…

    Anyway, I’ve spent the last two days in kind of a funk and on the brink of crying/crying… having discovered for the umpteenth time the ways in which I was not able to be myself the last five years… the ways in which who I am at my core was exploited, manipulated and taken advantage of.

    But when I see you write this and know and stand up for those core bits of your fabric, it makes me even MORE emotional because I know that you will likely not end up in the situation I did… and that brings more joy and peace to me than anything I can think up.

    Never stop standing up for those things that are important to you… they make you who you are… and should be respected!

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