Wow, pretty glad that’s over with! Wedding week is complete and we are back home again!
While I went up with the best of intentions regarding Weight Watchers, I am holding my hat in my hands and admitting defeat. I made the best possible choices that I could have made while we were there (alcohol not withstanding) but I’m afraid that any accomplishment that I had before we left may have been done in by the events and circumstances surrounding our time on Quadra Island. Not being someone to readily fail at something I do have to say that I think that I succeeded the best I could have, regardless of what the scale will say this evening.
Further to the scale issue, being Wednesday afternoon, my normally success-driven self would not be eating or drinking anything between now, 1pm, and weigh in at 5pm. However, I am getting a cold and I’m dehydrated from the past 6 days. Since my goal overall, while losing weight of course, is to be healthier and more stable, I’m going to throw caution to the wind and drink my tea because my body is calling for hydration and warm comfort. So…..if the scale is not down but up, that’s alright. I made it through as unscathed as I could…I didn’t emotionally eat through a bunch of snack food, I didn’t drink excessively, we worked our tails off running stairs upon stairs upon more stairs all while carrying loads of wedding supplies, tables, dishes, mix etc. What will be is what will be.
I have several zillion posts running through my head that I would like to get out however as the ‘trauma’ of this past week fades, I’m sure that none of it will seem worth writing about. There is one instance though that I don’t think I’ll be forgetting anytime soon. At the heart of who I am, I will always think that I am the same overweight, unsure, unfashionable, unsocial person that I used to be. Unfortunately this trip brought out all those old feelings and with it shame and insecurity and unloveableness. For a short time that former person who hated herself came back. I can thank the bride’s friends/bridal party for that one. Between the pointing and the whispering and the giggling and the blatant rudeness it was all I could do not to climb into The Goat and go to sleep until it was time to come home. I understand it in a way, there’s a huge age difference between Ray and I, I’m certain that his daughter, over the years, has said awful things about me (made up or perceived to be true, who knows!) and they all finally got to get a good look at me….and stare and point and whisper they did. I say that I understand it and I do but that didn’t make it hurt any less. I have never felt more the fat and unloveable, unworthy person! I was a complete pariah, an outcast. If you think I’m exaggerating it, imagine the worst feelings you think about yourself, the times when you were most embarassed to be in public, the times when you were the most depressed because of your appearance, the most alone you’ve ever felt….and then imagine that 8 good looking young men and women are pointing at you and laughing without even pretending that they aren’t. My imagination blew me up to an enormous ugly monster that they were staring at and it felt awful.
I was completely unprepared for that, never saw that one coming! I think it’s worth telling the story though, if only to remember what other people can do to your perception of yourself. How other people, complete strangers, can ruin the good you’re trying to do for yourself. How important it is to really try to see yourself as you are, not how our imagination can form us in a stressful or upsetting situation.
I’ll leave you with a couple of pictures from the weekend…one of Ray and his daughter and one of Ray and I. The one of Ray and I reminds me, regardless of all the mental gymnastics that went on with my self image this past week, that I am not an enormous ugly monster. Nope. 🙂