I wrote this letter awhile ago, about a month, and have been reading it now and again on my phone…when my motivation is lagging or I’m convincing myself that life isn’t fair.
I’m happy to report that in the last 3 weeks I’ve lost 10.2 pounds and have found my drive again. I’ve done some early morning runs, one early morning bicycle ride during which I was attacked by a dog so I haven’t done that again. I did a ‘brick’ yesterday (bike and run back to back), I have a 10km Pedals ride planned for tonight (not too intense, Ray is coming with) and a 5km trail run planned for tomorrow after work (weather permitting). The trail run I am excited about!
I have eliminated the hoardes of fruit that I was eating in favour of a banana on cereal in the morning and one fruit as a morning coffee snack. I’ve cut down on starchy carbs, cut WAY down on dairy and the treats are sporadic and more treat like. The only thing I haven’t really cut/changed is the alcohol…because it’s summer and I like it and you can’t cut everything. I’ve only sneak eaten once in three weeks and when I realized I was doing it, I threw the rest out.
Anyway, the letter I wrote to myself after Tara helped to wake me up is below.
Well, we’ve reached a bit of a fork in the road, haven’t we. We came from being fat and unhappy and not living the best, most healthy life we could….and we worked like a demon to turn things around. And, if I cast my mind back, I can remember how miserable that was and how much work it was and how horrible it was trying to pull myself out of that place.
But I did it and I came to a place where I respected myself and did things that were healthy and responsible, for no other reason than because it’s what you do. It’s how you live an adult, responsible life and take care of yourself. It’s how I taught myself to show myself love and respect.
Now I’m at this spot where I really have to decide what I want. I know that it seems like a no-brainer, obviously I want the good life, the health and fitness and great feeling. Obviously. It’s totally obvious. Right? Weeeellll….not if you take a look at the things that I’ve been doing over the last little while. Granted, I had a rather serious health complication that derailed me for awhile…and I was injured…and Ray got hurt…and..and…and…and………I am going to end up ‘anding’ myself right into fatsville again.
I have all the excuses in the book, and some of them are very real and they hurt a little and comforting myself with food has always been a handy fall back. But…I know exactly where that gets me.
I counselled my sister on her blog the other day that she should look ahead and see what she looks like in 6 weeks or 6 months. I took that same look earlier today and it was not pretty. If I keep on exactly like I am, things are about to go very wrong, very quickly. So here we go again. Thankfully I’m not so far away from where I need to be that it’s going to be an epic journey like it was last time….but that doesn’t make it any less hard. So I’m going to list some truths here that I can refer back to when the going gets tough….and then I’m going to get going.
Truth: Just because you don’t hear “I love you” as often as you want to/need to….doesn’t mean you should then say “I hate you” with food. Your sweetheart loves you to the ends of the earth….his not saying it is NOT solved by hating yourself with food.
Truth: Exercise sucks sometimes.
Truth: There are sacrifices to be made. I want things…a smaller body, to run a half marathon…and those things don’t just happen overnight, they take work and dedication.
Truth: Work and dedication are what bring self respect and make you feel proud of yourself.
Truth: If you don’t think you have ‘time to exercise’ now, just wait until you’ve lost everything to depression and fat…then see how much time you have!
So…6 weeks from now…the length of time I told my sister to look ahead, I want things to be different. I want to not regret wasting 6 weeks being miserable and starting to destroy everything that I’ve built.